Value system, how important is it in..
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Value system, how important is it in..
| Thu, 10-28-2004 - 12:01pm |
choosing a mate?..... Lots of discussion lately on different boards about the number of partners one has had, weather or not a couple may be into swinging,or even 'open" marriages. Do birds of a feather really flock together? Seems that the best relationships would come from people who have the same value system and ethtics..What do you think?

But that doesn't mean that we can't LEARN to live with our differences either, even major ones. People do it all the time if they care enough about the relationship.
I think it comes down to what you're looking for in a partner. Some people are attracted to opposites to add something different to their lives and some want a very comfortable, not too-exciting or out of the comfort zone partnership. My DH and I are total opposites in personalities but we share the same personal values and goals and it makes a difference. We rarely fight over big issues at all, we just have different ways of reaching the same conclusion. LOL!
Kat if the differences are someting like ..Im an athlete she isnt ..I like to got out and she is a little of a home body...those are cases that can be worked on and easily overcome... But if my mate has always wanted to try a 3 some or has done them and loves them, am I to give up my standards to accomidate her wishes? Or am I to become a swinger because she really wants too?..What if she decides she wants an open marriage???...I think it is really important to know the value system and their ethics well before one says "I do." Recent behavior ,I think, is more relevant to how a person has or has not changed their behavior.
Values in this instance are deeply ingrained behavioural patterns and responses to certain moral situations. While you can modify them, it's going to be much more difficult to change them completely.
It's going to be much easier to find a partner that shares your values than it is to change either your or your partner's values if and when conflict over these values arises.
Of course there are many situations where you may not have formed strong values and opinions about until you are faced with that situation. Take swinging for example. We all have an opinions but have we been faced with trying to fit it into our established value system?
There are after-all many variations on swinging - a couple having sex together with one other person, a couple with several anonymous people, a couple with one well-known other couple. There is room to manouevre with some things - you may be able to rationalise swinging with one other person but find swinging with several people outside your comfort zone.
But there's no way that a person could expect their partner to accept a swinging lifestyle if that's never been a mutual interest or desire from the start.
However, I do think people can learn to adapt to one another's sexual choices IF (and that's a big IF), their feelings about it aren't set in stone.
And you still seem to be ignoring that fact that people typically change with time. A very traditional person CAN become more open to sexual experimentation or even other lifestyle choices. So, basically, his or her partner could still find themselves faced with the same dilemma at some point, even though they may have chosen very carefully. But selecting carefully doesn't guarentee anything. It's still a risk, however calculated and wise.
I agree. I don't think not-so-good choices or some experimentation mean that a person is morally corrupt or beyond any kind of decent relationship. My DH made some bad choices in his younger days. I know he visited prostitutes in Europe in his Army days. He got his ex pregnant the very first time they had sex and while he tried to make the marriage work (all 3 months of it, lol) he married only because there was a baby on the way. He didn't love her, didn't really care about her at all (and the same was true for her), and didn't even really know her that well. He was involved in *some* low-level drug usage before I met him (before he became a father).
Yup, he made some poor choices - haven't we all at one time or another? If he were still doing those things, I wouldn't be with him now. But he isn't. He changed, he grew up. And I don't hold any of those things against him, think less of him as a person. Some people I know who did some great things were those whose past was not held against them - in other words, assuming that they'll never be any better than they are because of the past. A sure way to keep *those* kind of people in their place. I don't ascribe to that. Yes, some people will bounce from relationship to relationship, never finding stability, living for the drama and chaos they create. But I simply cannot hold some choices against people, or think less of them, especially if we're talking about choices made in youth or inexperience.
Short term bad behavior isnt what Im talking about here, its beliefs and life style. Yes people can change after you marry them, but I think at least if you start out with someone you agree with, chances are greater that your relationship will be more of a success.
But many people simply aren't lucky enough to fall in love with someone so compatible, are they? So, sometimes, they are willing to accept their partner's differing past and present sexual attitudes because THEY feel it's a worthy tradeoff. Who are we to say that it's not? Yes, their lives may be more complicated and volatile as a result but if they can learn something in the process, then more power to them.
A relationship is a risk and it IS wise to reduce the risk of failure as much as possible by finding as much common ground as possible with your partner. I just don't think it's always as neat and easy as you say.
Ive seen where ,when people meet like this, two months will go by before the couple will have anything close to a serious conversation, because the sex is so intense they dont want to spoil it with info. Although long term is possible, these relationships tend to be short lived because after the newness wears off they realize the differences they have are too profound, or they find some other reason to determind that they are incompatable outside the bedroom.
Entering into a relationship is always a risk, I do agree with that. I just think some people tend to wing it instead of going in with your eyes wide open.