Venting: Maybe it *is* a bad idea.....?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Venting: Maybe it *is* a bad idea.....?
14
Sun, 11-20-2005 - 3:54pm

.......................

Just venting today. Some of you know that my partner has had long running back problems and that the almost constant pain and limited mobility that she has has been throwing a big spanner into our sex life and relationship in general.

Lately we've had good and bad. She's been sent to another specialist who rolled his eyes when he heard about the specialist two years ago that said that nothing was physically wrong. This guy seems to think that it's her sacral-iliac joint that's causing the problems and has booked her in to have a pain-killing injection into it that both temporarily relieves the pain, increases mobility, and confirms the diagnoses (if the pain goes, it is that joint). So that's all good, you'd think wouldn't you?

She got pushed over by a horse a couple of weeks ago and it's pretty bad at the moment. She's in pain most days and by the end of the day when I see her she's usually seized up and loaded up with several different types of painkillers that don't seem to make a big difference. Needless to say we haven't had sex in, oh, I don't actually remember. I know that she feels guilty about that. She feels guilty because we can't do anything or go anywhere without her being in pain and being uncomfortable. I'm always checking on her and we're always cutting social outings short because she can't stand for more than a hour or two or she can't sit for the same amount of time. She tries very hard to lead a normal life, but it's not working and for a formerly very very active girl, she's very upset and distressed about it. As far as the sex and intimacy goes, well, she can't sit or lie properly and I can rarely touch her without aggrivating something. She's time and time again said at the start of a day "Let's have sex tonight, I'm keen." and then by the time tonight comes around she's too sore to do anything. Sometimes she pretends she's OK in an effort to have sex but her pain is difficult to hide so she doesn't fool anyone. I've got used to that and I pretty much just ignore the "I'll be good for sex tonight" comments and I masturbate to take care of myself because we never end up actually having sex.

Well, last night it all turned to custard. She'd been saying she wanted sex (but she's had a bad couple of says before this). She'd been helping a friend with a horseshow all that day since 5.00am so I naturally expected her to be sore. I got home after work and she's not sore and she's being all seductive. We hit the hay early and had some foreplay. I even tentatively went down on her. I come back up, she changes position slightly awkwardly and I ask her if she's OK as she askes me to have intercourse. Well, to be honest, I didn't beleive her when she said that she was OK and hesistated, she starts demanding that I have sex with her, that she's OK. Well, that finished it off for me. I just completely lost the mood and told her. She then gets mad at me, blows her top telling me that she's OK and has been TELLING me that all day! Don't you get it? I am OK to have sex! I'd tell you if I WASN'T OK! Well, if we can't ever have sex then I'm sick of this relationship. Maybe we shouldn't be together because I'm never going to get any better than this - it's always going to be a problem!

I tried talking to her, telling her that I was sorry but it affected me too and that she shouldn't get mad just because I, once, couldn't have sex because I was too nervous and worried about it. She wouldn't even talk to me about it. We ended up going to sleep, her mad and upset, me just stunned and pissed off.

This morning it's no different. She's not even talking to me. I know that she'll get home and it'll be awkward. While we've had arguments before (unrelated subjects) and she does tend to declare that the sky is falling and it's all over at the drop of a hat. She can be difficult, even her family has thanked me for getting involved with her and taking her off their hands. I'm for the first time beginning to wonder if maybe she's right. Maybe we aren't that compatible? She does tend to blow up over things that are just "things" that everyone has to deal with and cope with. I know that I'm getting tired of being the one holding things together all the time and being the one that starts getting things talked through. I'm pissed off that I'm trying to be so supportive and on ONE occasion we haven't had sex when SHE wants it that things turn to custard. What about all the times *I* wanted sex but didn't push for it or even bother asking because it was clear that she was in pain and not interested?


Sorry it was so long.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Sun, 11-20-2005 - 6:31pm
Westie, don't either of you jump to conclusions about your relationship.

bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Sun, 11-20-2005 - 7:10pm

Thanks, Tish. You're right. Sometimes all these little speedbumps add up, don't they? I'm feeling better just having somewhere to vent. :-)

I guess that its getting to her. She was trying so hard to do the right thing and for us to have a normal, special evening together and it still didn't work for her. I know that she normally feels a bit guilty about spending too little time with me because she's very independant and busy. But now, with the pain, by the time she does see me at the end of the day she's too sore to have quality time with me.

I have no idea what to say to her when she gets home. Lately it's like she's trying to break us up - I suspect that she is because she's feeling insecure about our long term prospects with this more or less "non-treatable" injury. I'm sticking like glue but she doesn't seem to get it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Sun, 11-20-2005 - 11:27pm

Blah! I feel like I'm talking to myself, but it's theraputic anyway.

She stomped in the door tonight; I could see the black clouds over her head from about 20 metres away. I'm all tentative, like, "Hi. How did the day go?" She's like "Harump!". Grabs her guitar and says "I'm going out for an hour." and is gone.

>>Edited to remove rude language spoken in heat of moment.




Edited 11/21/2005 2:50 pm ET by westridge2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Mon, 11-21-2005 - 7:21am

I haven't followed your story at all, however reading this post my first reaction is that there is a lot more going on here than just a bad back.

I have had low-back problems for nearly 20 years but have learned how to minimize the difficulty by being careful about how I move, lift objects, etc. I screw up on occasion and then have to deal with painful discomfort for a day or two. Sometimes (once every year or so) I screw up big time and than pay a much higher price. But, in the end, the pain is always manageable and I make great effort to push it aside and not let it control my life.

My belief is that most all cases of back pain can be dealt with as I have mine; and the remaining ones are probably good candidates for surgery or "TENS" type units - Google if you don't know about TENS.

At any rate, as I said above, I think there is more going on with your relationship then back pain...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Mon, 11-21-2005 - 9:21am
Sorry to hear that Westie.

bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2004
Mon, 11-21-2005 - 9:36am
west, pain makes all of us a little crazy...I had a similar problem, thought it would never get better..Then my sports med doc who is a back specialist (orthopedic) tried prednzone(sp) a powerful steriod. I took 6 the first day, 5 the second day, 4 the third day etc. for 6 days (decreasing dosage) It worked and I now have no problems. It turned out that it wasnt my sac after all (other docs thought so) It was a nerve irritation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2004
Mon, 11-21-2005 - 10:22am

There's probably some here and there that will actually say they've never ever had any of those "...so why are we even together?..." conversations from time to time...

...but Mrs. Para & I aren't one of those couples. We've had those times too...during finances talk, during 'having a baby' talk, especially during work schedules talk, and so on. We know each other too well enough to permanently mean any of it...its just venting.

In your case, it sounded like she was actually upset with you losing the mood from her reaction and not just the back issue alone. For me and my health, lol, it was always better to remain direct with Mrs. Para--the southpaw--than to ask her how her day was as if nothing happened, cause thats how she'd take it if I did. Anyway...

Post back brother, let us know whats up, and good luck!

 

C  H  A  R  A  C  T  E  R

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Mon, 11-21-2005 - 3:22pm

Thanks everyone for posting. I'll lump my answers in this post.

I got the silent treatment when she got home. I'd cooked dinner and left it sitting on the bench. She spent the evening doing music stuff in another room. I think that she mumbled half a dozen words all night (and fewer this morning). I'm trying to stay calm and to say a few approachable, cheerful words here that there when appropriate. Other than that we're not talking.

I think that she was trying really hard to have an intimate night for both of us on a night that her back wasn't causing problems. She's aware that the lack of intimacy is a problem at the best of times even when there is no pain. She's very independant and very busy. She's always doing something and often she'll get home and be too tired for any intimacy anyway - it's something that we'd talked about in the past. Now that the back pain is more serious and considerably more disabling the intimacy has gone out the window. I can barely touch her without irritating something and she can't sit or lie very well. Her mobility is severely affected and she has about 20% of normal flexibilty in her legs and hips. Consequently it is not often over the last six months or so that we've had sex or even been able to sit on the couch cuddling.

I believe that she IS more upset about my "loosing the mood" than the back pain issue - although it's all tied up in there together. She was having a painfree night and I didn't believe her. I "rejected" her (in her mind anyway) despite her protests. I don't think that she understands that her problem can affect both of us. I think that she sees it that I don't find her sexy. That isn't the problem for me, I think she's sexy, I was just very nervous about causing her pain or discomfort and it made me loose the mood. I'm very used to avoiding sex or perhaps I should say used to it not happening. As I said before, she'll talk about sex in the morning but by evening she's too much in pain. I've since learnt to take care of myself because I just know that we never actually have sex after she's been talking about it.

She has also been hinting that the relationship is not going to last the distance because of this. It is a permanent injury and will always cause problems. Amongst other things; by the sounds of it there is a very strong possibilty that we won;t be able to have children because of it. Not that it will worry her too much, she's never really wanted kids anyway but we have been trying for one until the Doctor told us to stop and the before the pain got bad.

I think that she's just going through that stage where you realise that you will have this problem forever and that there is no cure for it. Is she depressed? Hmmmm. She's not happy. She is making life very difficult for us. But at the same time she was a couple of days ago telling me how much she loved me repeatedly. Another sign I guess. The biggest indicator of what this is all about is past epidsodes where we've fought. She does tend to claim the sky is falling and that it's all over at the drop of a hat. She tends to see things in black and white - absolutes. It's either good or terrible, working or completely not working. The last time was about two months ago. I can't remember what started it (it was something about the backpain) but she tells me that she needs a few days to think about the relationship. Being somewhat used to this I listened to her for 20 minutes, said "Fine", and left for three days. Came back and said "OK, if you want to break up then YOU have to do it and you have to leave 'cause I'm not doing it. What's your decision?" If I hadn't talked to her and got her talking, it would have been over several times before too. I 'm just having problems this time. I'm getting sick of being the one that holds it together and dealing with the drama all the time. But at the same time I don't want to lose her either. :-)

I dunno. This will probably all just sort itself out in a few days and we'll be fine. Sometimes I just don't know where it's all going though. You think that you know what to expect from a person and then they try something different....




Edited 11/21/2005 3:25 pm ET by westridge2001
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-21-2005 - 4:55pm

So sorry to hear you're going through a difficult spell, Westie. I know what pain can do to a person's mood and spirit and it's wearing on everyone involved.

You really need to do some soul searching and decide if you can live with this type of emotional turmoil in your life. If you can't, then it's not horrible to move on.

As much as you care for your partner, this kind of issue on top of the normal relational ones can take a toll on even the best relationships.

But let's face it, if you are only sporadically getting your needs met, then you will begin to resent her for that which will cause the relationship to deteriorate over time.

You either love her, as is, and can make this type of sacrifice and deal with this forever, or you can't. Sounds to me like she is testing your resolve. Maybe she feels guilty about not being the partner she wants to be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2005
Mon, 11-21-2005 - 9:22pm

You know what, this is a really difficult situation for both of you. I've had a similar experience where because I have endometriosis, sex used to sometimes become very painful. And it would be like, I was fine before we started doing anything and then I'd move or something or he'd enter me and the pain would be incredible. And he asked all the time if I was okay and I always said I was okay (unless I really really wasn't) because once I got into the mood no matter what pain was there, I didn't want it to ruin the pleasure that I could've got or that he could've got. It's difficult to understand unless you're in the position. Coming from her point of view, I'd say she's probably under so much stress, emotional confliction as well, you're doing the best you can, and so is she. Sit down with her, bring her her favourite drink (tea, coffee what have you) and say "Hey, I'm doing my best, I know you are too and I appreciate it.But just know that I'll continue to do my best with this. I want you to feel better and I'm here to help." Don't get angry, don't go to her at a stressful moment, take it easy. You guys will get through this. Patience is important here for both of you. In the meantime, talking will really help you establish what your thoughts are on the situation, so don't bottle any of it up.
Good luck.
Let us know how's a goin.

Keep smilin!

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