Venting: Maybe it *is* a bad idea.....?
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| Sun, 11-20-2005 - 3:54pm |
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Just venting today. Some of you know that my partner has had long running back problems and that the almost constant pain and limited mobility that she has has been throwing a big spanner into our sex life and relationship in general.
Lately we've had good and bad. She's been sent to another specialist who rolled his eyes when he heard about the specialist two years ago that said that nothing was physically wrong. This guy seems to think that it's her sacral-iliac joint that's causing the problems and has booked her in to have a pain-killing injection into it that both temporarily relieves the pain, increases mobility, and confirms the diagnoses (if the pain goes, it is that joint). So that's all good, you'd think wouldn't you?
She got pushed over by a horse a couple of weeks ago and it's pretty bad at the moment. She's in pain most days and by the end of the day when I see her she's usually seized up and loaded up with several different types of painkillers that don't seem to make a big difference. Needless to say we haven't had sex in, oh, I don't actually remember. I know that she feels guilty about that. She feels guilty because we can't do anything or go anywhere without her being in pain and being uncomfortable. I'm always checking on her and we're always cutting social outings short because she can't stand for more than a hour or two or she can't sit for the same amount of time. She tries very hard to lead a normal life, but it's not working and for a formerly very very active girl, she's very upset and distressed about it. As far as the sex and intimacy goes, well, she can't sit or lie properly and I can rarely touch her without aggrivating something. She's time and time again said at the start of a day "Let's have sex tonight, I'm keen." and then by the time tonight comes around she's too sore to do anything. Sometimes she pretends she's OK in an effort to have sex but her pain is difficult to hide so she doesn't fool anyone. I've got used to that and I pretty much just ignore the "I'll be good for sex tonight" comments and I masturbate to take care of myself because we never end up actually having sex.
Well, last night it all turned to custard. She'd been saying she wanted sex (but she's had a bad couple of says before this). She'd been helping a friend with a horseshow all that day since 5.00am so I naturally expected her to be sore. I got home after work and she's not sore and she's being all seductive. We hit the hay early and had some foreplay. I even tentatively went down on her. I come back up, she changes position slightly awkwardly and I ask her if she's OK as she askes me to have intercourse. Well, to be honest, I didn't beleive her when she said that she was OK and hesistated, she starts demanding that I have sex with her, that she's OK. Well, that finished it off for me. I just completely lost the mood and told her. She then gets mad at me, blows her top telling me that she's OK and has been TELLING me that all day! Don't you get it? I am OK to have sex! I'd tell you if I WASN'T OK! Well, if we can't ever have sex then I'm sick of this relationship. Maybe we shouldn't be together because I'm never going to get any better than this - it's always going to be a problem!
I tried talking to her, telling her that I was sorry but it affected me too and that she shouldn't get mad just because I, once, couldn't have sex because I was too nervous and worried about it. She wouldn't even talk to me about it. We ended up going to sleep, her mad and upset, me just stunned and pissed off.
This morning it's no different. She's not even talking to me. I know that she'll get home and it'll be awkward. While we've had arguments before (unrelated subjects) and she does tend to declare that the sky is falling and it's all over at the drop of a hat. She can be difficult, even her family has thanked me for getting involved with her and taking her off their hands. I'm for the first time beginning to wonder if maybe she's right. Maybe we aren't that compatible? She does tend to blow up over things that are just "things" that everyone has to deal with and cope with. I know that I'm getting tired of being the one holding things together all the time and being the one that starts getting things talked through. I'm pissed off that I'm trying to be so supportive and on ONE occasion we haven't had sex when SHE wants it that things turn to custard. What about all the times *I* wanted sex but didn't push for it or even bother asking because it was clear that she was in pain and not interested?
Sorry it was so long.

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West, I read your post yesterday and it made me cry.
Thanks for the kind thoughts everyone.
We had a break through last night. She got home and I'd made it home before her. I got her a drink and sat her on the couch and I said (to paraphrase it a liitle) "OK,... look. I'm trying my best here. We're both trying our best. But it's difficult. This is not going to go away and it's been a big strain on both of us. I'm sorry that I rejected you the other night but I spend so much of my time trying to help you and look after you that when there was a moment that I thought you looked uncomfortable and in pain, well, I lost the mood. It's not because I don't find you sexy..."
With that she burst into tears.
Turns out that Yes, she had felt terribly rejected. It had been the first night in a long time that she had felt sexy and wanted sex - and I rejected her. We both hugged (and cried a bit more) and found ourselves on the road to recovery and talking about it all.
I hate the strain of these things when they happen and it's amazing how the problems can seem to melt away when you start sorting it out. We're talking more about what's happened and have some more work to do but we're well on the road to recovery now and talking about some things that we haven't touched on in depth, or perhaps at all before.
Best of all, she walked into the bathroom with a funny glint in her eye this morning and I ended up being late for work by only ten minutes ;-) Can't complain about that, can you? :-)
Once again, thanks for all the support, guys. It's theraputic being able to vent and talk about it "anonymously".
Glad things are working out there West, that you were both able to get things out in the open and start talking.
Well done, West.
You tackled the issue head on rather than pretending everything is all roses. I always go with that approach too. Glad the results were so positive!
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