very confused..
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| Mon, 04-28-2008 - 4:42pm |
Well, First I should probably say Hi. I've lurked around the boards for quite a while now but never spoke up before now. You all have such a fun community, I can't wait to be a real active part of it.
But now onto my problem. Okay, first I will give you guys a little backup info. I have been dating my boyfriend for two years now and I think our relationship is going fantastically. He's my first true love and means a great deal to me and all that sappy stuff. teehee. But another thing I discussed with him from the beginning of our relationship was that I have a partial fear/unwillingness to get married. It's not that I really have a problem with marriage in general, it's just the idea that has been pushed on me for my whole life of the idea that marriage equals the woman becoming the mans slave and her being lower than him. Just beliefs that my family practices that I don't agree with and I guess you could say it put me in this fear of going into something like that with my boyfriend.
Around three weeks ago we were sitting in our living room, preparing for final exams (we are both in college) and he just started asking me all these things about marriage and how I would want to be proposed to and honestly it freaked me out but I got advice from my friend and she helped me to have an open conversation with him about marriage and the fact that I told him I never wanted to marry him made him pretty upset and wouldn't speak to me. It even got so bad to where he didn't even come home a couple nights, he stayed with a friend cause he was so confused and upset at me. So while we were going through this disagreement I took some time to really really think it out and I came to a realization that not every married couple is like my parents or my grandparents, there are equal, loving and romantic marriages that aren't like that. When I really thought about it, I came to understand that my boyfriend would never be that sort of guy, he's never acted like that in our relationship, a ceremony and a romantic vacation wouldn't change things. So then we sat down one night and had another serious talk and I told him my realization and told him that I was wrong to have thought he would treat me like crap.
I kind of thought this would make him happy, and he seemed a little happier, he gave me a kiss on the forehead and a hug and said he was excited now. But here's where the problem comes in....its been around 2 weeks now and we still haven't had sex since the argument. Now maybe some of you guys don't find that unusual but for us it is...we have sex at least once a day, sometimes more than that and we ALWAYS have romantic saturdays. It's really strange, almost hard to explain. We act normal during the day, every morning he drives me to class, says I love you, texts me during the day, we meet up every night at home and eat together, play around together, study together, and usually we watch a movie or just talk and have some relaxing time from all the busy days schedule. But, then when we would usually start foreplaying or even just some heavy duty kissing. We both usually just go to bed. I guess it could be both of our faults, maybe he thinks I don't want it as much as I am thinking he doesn't want it. But its like we lay down and he gives me a kiss and then goes off to sleep. Nothing. No fingering, no oral, no nothing! We haven't been through a dry spell like this ever since we got sexual with each other.
Now here's the even harder part. I asked him one night if something was wrong but he told me no. no explanation, or curiosity towards my question just a no and the same thing happening at night. I dont want to just leap on him to see what will happen cause I am worried that I am going to make him mad. I really hope he's not mad about that engagement thing. We actually had a discussion and he seemed to completely understand where I came from and to be excited and to understand that I really did want to marry him. He said that he's waiting for a special moment to surprise me with the ring and the official proposal, could that tie into this? I just am so confused and really I am starting to get sexually frustrated. Any idea on what this could mean or how to fix it?
btw. sorry that this is so extremely long =S

Welcome to the board, boleyndoll.
I think you need to take a more direct approach in your questions to him when talking about what's going on. If I were you, I'd sit down with him to have a talk, and tell him that you're concerned that the two of you haven't had sex in such an amount of time. That way you're not accusing him of anything, and you're giving him a chance to respond.
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I'm sorry you have such a bad opinion of marriage.......and that it took upsetting him for you to realize that the examples you've grown up with aren't necessarily the "norm".
Thank you both for your advice, suggestions, help. I really appreciate it.
Sakura, It's a lot harder to explain than that. We've discussed my family before but they arent exactly a topic I enjoy talking about in depth even though he does know most of my issues with them. I don't think I technically fear my ability to be an equal partner either. It is more that I fear that it will begin equal and he will grow to become someone different, someone who is sexist and demands of me things that aren't fair and I won't know what to do besides agree because I will still be in love with him for him. But you are exactly correct about my sexual issue, that is putting myself in that slave role, and I thank you for bringing that to my attention, its something I wouldn't have noticed. I doubt I will look into counseling because I believe that after the discussion I had with my boyfriend about marriage that I am comfortable with him, it was something really helpful for us to work it out together and I really am not afraid anymore. He has eased my mind on that topic. But thank you very much for your help, you had a lot of really good points.
I really approached him and talked to him last night and he told me that he thought I was acting weird too and that the whole situation just threw him off. We had another long discussion and we will definitely continue to have these discussions for a while, I think these open talks are really good for us. We haven't had deep talks like these for like 2 months. Plus, we had amazing, mindblowing sex last night that definitely made up for our dry streak!
Thank you Misty and Sakura again! I wish I would have thought of the more direct approach on my own. For some reason I was just so confused and unsure that I wasn't thinking of any options.