Virgin Man Pains of Non-Virgin Woman
Find a Conversation
| Thu, 06-09-2005 - 3:12pm |
I just met a lady, she is 27, really like her. After 2 months of dating, she told me she lost her virginity at 21. Well, most men would be OK with it. But you see, i'm different. Well, first of all, i really believe in saving it before marriage. And yes, i'm 32.. and yes.. that is rare... but it just IS. Not because the Bible says so or it is moral.. i just feel it.. inside... as a being.. it is a deep intimacy i want to give to my wife as a wedding present. It is an act I only want to share with the ONE, and I want to her to feel the same way about it. When she told me... honest.. i got sick.. my stomach hurt for 3 days.. i had honestly thought i found her... Now... i'm so confused... i have read the internet back and forth, but still, i cannot get over the fact that she has given herself to another before. Maybe if i were not a virgin male, i would not care.
It has been a month now.. and i still don't have an answer.. that is probably not a good sign. Is it possible to get over this sickening feeling? Or is this a pretty darn good sign for me to bail out and start over?

Pages
She could be THE ONE, and passing her over because she had sex before marriage is silly. Again, her belief system might differ totally from your's.
Sincere, it's very honorable for you to have made that decision to "save" yourself for the "one and only" woman in your life. However, you sound like an intelligent man, and I'm sure you realize that you're in the minority, especially for a man, and even for most women.
You need to understand that the past is the past, and what she did before she met you has NOTHING to do with now. She didn't KNOW that you'd come along. Pre-marital sex is common now, and for you to find a woman in your age bracket that hasn't had at least a little sexual experience would be difficult, if not impossible.....Unless you belong to a "fundamental" religion that places a strict ban on it, and you find a woman that belongs to that religion and subscribes to it's teachings. Look at it this way....her "wild oats" are already sown, and she's ready to settle down....and she will NEVER be curious what it would be like to be with another man.....she's been there and done that. On the other hand, 10 or 15 years down the line, YOU might start wondering.
Regardless, if it affects you so much that you're sick about it, then I would suggest that maybe she's not the woman for you. Maybe you can talk to a counsellor about it. What she did in her past didn't make her a bad woman......just a normal woman. That's over now, and you're in her life. Also, if she hadn't told you, you probably never would have known. Even a doctor doing an examination can't always tell if a woman is a virgin, or not a virgin. It doesn't change a woman physically. She was honest with you, and now she's being punished for her honesty. What if she'd been married before.....would that bother you?
You just need to decide if you can start with today, and love and respect her. If you can't, do HER a favor, and end it.
Yes, you can get over this...IF you want to and IF you care for her enough. The choice is yours. In all likelihood, you'll just be dealing with the same predicament with another woman, if you let her go anyway.
My personal experience was the exactly the same as yours and your GF's. My DH was a virgin when we met and I had been engaged, and intimate, before.
I was truthful about it from the get-go and yes, it bothered him A LOT, at first. But he decided that he loved me more than his pride, disappointment and hurt feelings. And we've been married for almost 30 yrs.
So, you CAN do whatever you set your mind to.
Edited 6/9/2005 5:58 pm ET ET by katmandoo2001
I have no problem with someone's choice as to when they feel it is right for them to loose their virginity.
The reality is that you're not exactly THAT young anymore.... if you were in your late teens and early 20s... you might still have had a chance... but now...
You need to reconsider your beliefs.. you can still be true to YOURSELF... but do not burden others with something like this, especially this woman.
That's what i was hoping to hear. That gives me hope that I can overcome. Another thing i have learned, just last night, is a large portion of my hurting is the need to be appreciated for staying a virgin (let's be honest, it is not easy folks). Especially since it was going to be a “gift.”
I guess it is something like the feeling you get when you go to a party with a gift that you worked hard at and were “proud” of (yeh, there is some pride in this, isn’t there) and then come to realize the person you are presenting it to already has several of them (I know this may anger some people, but keep in mind, analogies are never perfect). So you may naturally feel a little bad, like your gift is not appreciated. Especially if the person somehow insinuates or infers your gift is of little value or out of date. Like “Where have you been man, living in a rock? No one gives one of these now a days!” But, if the person receiving the gift tells you how happy they are to receive it and how much they appreciate it, then you feel happy again, and even more, you may come to respect your friend even more as a result.
As the old saying goes, “it is the thought that counts.” Yeh, trite, I know. But I do believe it applies in the case of premarital sex.
She and I have talked about it more, and just last night, she told me she wants me to stay just the way i am. AND She likes me just the way i am :-) For some reason, that really helped. And it was right then that I realized how much I yearned for her appreciation. Of course, this also goes both ways. I should also let her know how much I appreciate her. And making her feel dirty for losing her virginity is a not the right approach.
It appears then, this is more about feelings than sex. When we accomplish anything we value in a relationship, we yearn for support and acknowledgement from our partner, especially if we are doing it for “us”. If we somehow feel apathy from our loved one, we get hurt. Sure, two people will never value everything the same. But, the key is, they need to learn to appreciate one another’s intentions. I hope the more we talk about it this way, the faster I can get over this for real.
Thanks to all who responded. I APPRECIATE IT ;-)
I have to disagree that he will not find a normal woman who is a virgin is his age range. There are many, many women, myself included, who are virgins and yet completely normal. We don't have issues with sex, we simply believe in waiting until marriage or until we are with someone we love. It's pretty offensive to judge all "older" virgins and assume they cannot me normal.
I also disagree that he is burdening this woman. Both of them need to be happy in the relationship. It's something that is important to him. If he ignored the fact that he was upset about her not being a virgin, and dated her anyway, it would not end well. This is something that the two of them need to work out.
Pages