Virgin sex - disappointed? Confused!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2007
Virgin sex - disappointed? Confused!
10
Sat, 06-09-2007 - 9:21am

I dated a guy for 5 years and never had sex with him, and I started dating another guy for about 2 months and finally did the deed with him. I'm really a bit innocent and I don't really know how things should be like, but I thought that having sex would draw me more emotionally towards him or something. I was just a bit shell-shocked after the very first time (mainly me looking wide-eyed thinking "what the hell happened?!") and I didn't really feel any differently towards him at all. Should I? It just wasn't the amazing thing that I hear people talk about. I don't think he's a bad lover and I think he's really hot, but it seems that emotionally it didn't do much for me, but then again I do have problems opening up emotionally.

There are also some things that bother me a bit... one is that I can't seem to orgasm during sex without handling it myself. And he just says "damn you girls, you're too hard". He also doesn't like to go down on girls cuz he says he doesn't like the taste (but he certainly likes to receive it). And the last thing is I know he likes anal sex and he sticks his finger up there even when I don't want him to... I can't comprehend anal, but how do I say no? I'd like to satisfy him but I can't bring myself to let anything near "there"!

Does all this make him sound selfish in bed? Aside from these things he gives it his all, so I'm not sure if I can accuse him of being selfish. I guess I'm a little confused cuz he's the only guy I've had sex with. What do you guys think of this? Is he a typical guy?

Thanks so much! It's hard talking about this stuff normally :)...

katie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Sat, 06-09-2007 - 9:42am

Having sex doesn't mean you'll get all emotional for the guy.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Sat, 06-09-2007 - 12:09pm

If there wasn't an "emotional" connection in the first place, sex isn't going to provide that. Since you're inexperienced at it, you really don't know if he was "giving his all"...and from what you said, he wasn't. He wants you to give him oral, but he won't give it to you because he doesn't like the taste? Fine, you don't like it either!

As for saying no.....as Tish said, you simply say NO...and if he doesn't listen, that tells you a lot about him.

I get the feeling that you just did it to "get it over with".....which rarely turns out that great.......Sorry you were disappointed, but maybe the next time (or the next man) will be better.

PS: It sounds like you might have been a "virgin" but you were experienced with all the other parts of sex. You were with another guy for five years, and probably did all kinds of things but stopped at intercourse. And, in your mind, intercourse was going to be the most wonderful thing in the world....and you found out that it's just another part of sex, and not all that thrilling. For most women, it's just another part of sex....and the "foreplay" which is everything else is sometimes MORE exciting than intercourse.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2007
Sun, 06-10-2007 - 9:50am

Thanks for the responses, it makes me feel better!

I've had sex with him a few more times since then and it's getting less weird and more good, so I guess that's good, although I'm not sure if it's making me any more emotionally connected to him. I guess I really did put the "having sex" part up on a pedestal, but it wasn't as bad as it could've been.

He's a bit on the dominating side when it comes to what he wants which is a turn on for now, but if he insists on the anal thing I might have to ditch him.

Are there any ways to entice a guy to go down on a girl? I've never actually experienced that either, but I've heard that's a great way to give a girl the big "O". On the other hand, just from my own sniffing of my fingers I think he tastes a lot better than I do so i can't really fault him for not liking the taste. Do guys generally dislike it?

Cheers again
katie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Sun, 06-10-2007 - 10:26am

If you're clean, there's no more "taste" than you taste on him. It's more of a psychologial "distaste" for those that won't do it.

You can't "generalize" about men, or women, or likes and dislikes about anything. As far as cunnilingus is concerned, there are guys (like this one) who just won't do it, there are other guys who do it because they know they won't get the favor returned if they don't, there are guys who do it because they want to give their partner pleasure, and there are guys who LOVE doing it.

Sex (intercourse) doesn't automatically make you become emotionally attached. You can have NO feelings at all and still have sex with someone. If you don't like them or care about them, the sex won't be that great for most women. If you find someone with whom you have an emotional attachment, the sex becomes much better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Sun, 06-10-2007 - 11:06am

There are no general rules as to whether guys like or dislike giving oral.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Sun, 06-10-2007 - 12:06pm

Welcome to the board pink_cherub.

I think there is a difference between making love and having sex. Sleeping with someone can be either, but in general, the foundation of the relationship happens outside of the bedroom. If you are emotionally connected to the person you sleep with, or have sex with, then you could be making love -- a very emotional event, IMO. Some people term all intercourse with "making love", and I think that might bring on a confusion for some.

It is true that girls often have difficulty having an orgasm, and usually need to learn "how" to have an orgasm. If your head isn't in the right place, your heart might not be in the right place, and you might have difficulty having an orgasm. If you have to finish yourself, and he's not taking note of your actions, then it sounds more likely that he is a selfish lover. Ideally, he would want to participate and learn how to satisfy you. Telling you "damn you girls, you're too hard" is not a very encouraging statement.

On the anal issue, saying no is easy ... you say "no". It's your body, and you do have rights! You may want to talk to him about it outside of the bedroom. Just let him know you tried and it's not working -- and that you're not interesting in having him continue to try.

Also, on the oral sex problem. Each girl will taste somewhat different, so making a blanket statement that he doesn't like the taste isn't really fair to you. At the very least, he could give it a try.

I think you need to make your wants and needs known to him. It might be that he doesn't realize how important those are, or he is just selfish, but it's better for you to learn that now. Also, you might want to be sure that you are satisfied (have your orgasm first) prior to having intercourse or seeing to his satisfaction. He will quickly learn that you are not going to participate with a selfish lover.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2007
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 8:08am

Thanks for the comments and advice, you've been really helpful!

You've given me a bit to think about. I guess I shouldn't let myself get too caught up with this guy, even though he's my first. I think he is getting better though, but we'll see :).

I think I've said it before, but I've never had oral sex, so I don't know what I'm missing, which is probably good in this case!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2007
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 8:30am

The safest way to have oral sex (man to woman) is using a dental dam. They are the flat pieces of latex that dentists use to put in your mouth when you have work done. Or just get condoms that are unlubricated and cut them up the side. Be sure to put a little lubricant on the side that goes against you though! Using these are not only considered safe sex, they also block the taste (if he truly doesn't like it).

I agree with the rest of the posters though, it seems like this fellow is a bit selfish. I hope things get lots better for you!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-1999
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 9:55am

Obviously, I can't speak for all guys, but I'll tell you this. I like the scent, it says "female". I like the intimacy. I like her willingness to open her body up to me in this manner. I like the wetness, the feel of her skin, the look on her face, the way her genitals respond to my tongue, the way she is preparing for my penetration.

I love performing oral sex on a woman.

Greg

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2007
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 10:09pm
I definitely think that there is a vast difference between the emotions you feel when making love and those of having sex. Love and lust based.
Perhaps you did build it up to the extent where you thought you were going to feel emotionally connected with him but do not have the closeness and comfort to ignite to a greater level of intimacy. Hence, your disappointment.
I find the more uninhibited you are with a person, encompassing attraction, adoration, connection and communication, the more you are willing to explore avenues that may not necessarily be within your pre conceived “comfort” zone.
I think in a healthy relationship communication is key; in and out of the bedroom. The more comfortable you become the more you can express and negotiate your interests and dislikes. When you have emotional connection or “love” someone, then the focus is pleasing without hesitation, and that usually involves engaging in unhibited acts that you may have not necessarily invisioned doing in the past….like swallowing/tasting.
I personally wouldn’t say he is selfish in not wanting to perform oral sex on you, its no different to your not wanting to engage in anal sex. It’s a matter of personal preference and comfort. You may find once communication, emotions and passion build, you may both be more compromising in reciprocating acts that please you; like anal for him and oral for you.
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