Waited this long...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2004
Waited this long...
5
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 12:24am
I am a 21 year old Virgin. Up until now I have been very proud of my abstinence. I feel proud when I tell my younger sister that I am still a virgin. Older women find out (because I am very open) and think that it's a wonderful thing. I watch trashy tv shows and see 14 year old skanks and feel so proud of myself. However, it has come to the point where I dont think it's such a wonderful thing to be a virgin anymore. I've had boyfriends and opportunites dont get me wrong...I just never felt that it was the right time.

I have been in a relationship for about 3 months now and my boyfriend is not a virgin. He hasn't pressured me or anything, I am the one pressuring myself. Part of me wants to wait until I am in love (and this current boyfriend is someone whom I could love)...the other part of me wants to just "get it over with". The "get it over with" side is winning seeing as how I will be graduating in less than a year and after college I dont know how the "real world" will respond to a 23+ year old virgin. I dont know how the real world works, I dont know if you meet a nice guy and have a steady relationship. It seems to me that you date and have sex and date and have sex...what's going to happen to me? It's not that i'm not a sexual person, I just never felt as if it were the right "time".

At first I wanted to wait until marriage...now as I have gotten older i realize that although it's a nice thought, that's probably not how it's going to turn out. But I have this pressure from myself knowing that I should probably do it before I graduate and while I'm in my youth but also pressure NOT to do it because my younger sister looks up to me and it makes me feel "different". I just don't know what to do...I dont expect answers, just advice.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 3:44am
Good God. 21 and feeling rushed to lose your virginity while you are still in your 'youth'!

You've got years and years up your sleeve before you are no longer in your youth. The real world does'nt work any different than the one that you are in now. You date and you have sex when you are ready.

Difference is that the older you get, the more guys you will find that have been having sex for several years and just assume that all the women they meet have been sexually active too. You will a surprised reaction from older guys. Not necessarily bad. They just don't tend to come across too many virgins the older you get.

Do it when you feel ready. It doesn't sound like you are ready yet. There is no rush.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 10:00am
I agree with Westridge......you're not getting OLDER....you're still growing up. You're ambivalent about your virginity......on one hand you're "proud" of yourself...and on the other hand, you just want to "get it over with". How about finding a middle ground?

Being proud of yourself is good, but it's not neccessarily something you need to be bragging about to anyone you know. It's good to share with your sister, so that she can see that it's not necessary to be sexually active to be happy and popular. You say you're "quite open" about it, and you don't know how the " REAL world will respond" to a 23 year old virgin. Guess what? The "world" doesn't care about your virginity. You're the one who cares about it. That's because you place value on it, and you have self respect. Maybe one of the things you need to work on is to not BE "quite open" about it. It's NOT something you wear like a badge of courage. It's something that of no concern to anyone except you, and any guy you might be dating. And even then, it requires nothing more than one statement, if and when the subject comes up. "sorry, I'm a virgin, and I intend to stay that way until I see fit to change it." End of discussion.

Something else I have to wonder about. I've seen it here before...girls saying they're virgins, but then saying that they're indulging in any and every form of sexual activity EXCEPT intercourse. We all know that the definition of virginity is "never had a penis in the vagina".....but the more accepted definition is "innocence". In many people's minds.....if you're sharing your body with a partner, giving and receiving oral and manual stimulation, you might as well go on to intercourse because that's all that's left, and when the truth is known, it's not really that big a deal.

You say you "might" be able to love this latest boyfriend. Well, at this point, you don't love him, and don't know if you ever will. So, bide your time, and see what happens. The world will survive a 21 year old virgin, or even a 31 year old virgin, as well as a 41 or 51 year old virgin. As I said, the "world" really doesn't care. The only person who cares is yourself, and you're the person you have to live with.

As for your sister.....she's got a mind of her own, and just because you've chosen to remain a virgin doesn't mean that she will. Yes, you're setting a good example for her, but that doesn't mean she'll follow in your footsteps. By the same token, if and when you decide to lose your virginity, that doesn't mean you have to go running to your sister to report the news. You need to work on keeping personal things to yourself, and sharing them only on a "need to know" basis. (this includes guys you date!) If you decide that it's time for it to happen......you don't have to tell your sister that!

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 10:37am
Sounds to me like you've used your head so far, why stop now? Stop worrying about what the "world" thinks, your age, your sister and continue to do what's right for YOU. You can only give your virginity once, so what's wrong with waiting for a man who's worthy of that gift...and for the right time. I'm sure you'll recognize him/it when you see it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2004
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 11:00am
Please wait until you are ready. It doesn't sound like that you are. I don't think that it is bad to wait until you are married or until you are in love. I waited until my mid 20's to have sex. I lost my virginity to a guy that I thought that really liked me. Well he dumped me 2 weeks later, and I was very hurt. I can never get that back. I too wanted to get it over with cause I didn't want to have to tell any more guys that I was a virgin.Even though all the guys respected it, I was the one with the issues. Now I know how important it is to be with someone that I really care about. So PLEASE wait until you feel that it is right. There are more 20 something virgins out there than you think. Good Luck and be careful.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 11:03am

I agree with all the other posters.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd