waiting for sex and how to do it
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| Sat, 04-30-2005 - 10:20am |
I've always adhered to the rule that you wait to have sex with a guy until you're ready or in love. However, the last two guys I've dated, we had sex too soon in my opinion (after a month for both) and I think that's a large part of the reason why the relationships didn't work out. Either I thought that the guy was just after sex or it was because I gave in too soon and no matter how he treated me, the fact that he pushed for it in the beginning made me uncertain whether he would have waited had I stood my ground more firmly and said no. These last couple of guys came on really strong unlike previous boyfriends and when I said for them to stop one thing then they would do another thing to turn me on until they eventually got me into bed. They would also remove my clothes without even asking me even when we had not even had sex yet which I must admit was new to me. I guess I was intrigued by their strong sex drive at first but in the end, I felt confused and like sex was important to them than getting to really know me.
I want to go back to the way things were before when I waited several months to sleep with the guy but now I don't remember how I ever managed to do that. I guess part of the reason is that I'm more confident sexually and as a person nowadays and I think guys see that whereas in the past, I was hesitant to make love in bright light, I would need for him to tell me he cares for me or I would remove my own clothes when I was ready instead of the guy removing it for me, etc. I wouldn't allow things to get too hot and heavy and would be able to stop in the middle whereas now, I get more carried away. Like they say, you should wait at least two months before having sex with a new guy. I'm trying to remember what I ever did for the months in the beginning of the relationship when sex was not going on and it was a lot of kissing all over(mostly the guy), necking, hugging, fondling, etc. but never fully nude because that only leads to sex. What can you do to satisfy a guy without having sex with him that's not run-of-the-mill? Something unique that will make him feel special and still turn him on but not to the point where he'll want to tear your clothes off and fornicate. Any help would be appreciated.

If you don't want to be sexual with a guy, then don't put yourself in a position where that's possible. If a guy is really "into" you, he'll wait forever to have ANY kind of physical contact with you. If he gets mad, then that's a clue that he wanted sex, and nothing more. And if that happens, you just don't see him again.
I'm not sure how any guy can take your clothes off without your consent, or you cooperating with him. That's a cop-out on your part. Be honest with yourself. Don't blame the guys when all it takes is a FIRM "NO" from you. Unless the guy is a rapist, he will stop when you tell him to. Also, be honest with yourself when it's you that just wants sex...and there's nothing wrong with that. Just don't blame the guy....without your cooperation, it won't happen.
A good relationship isn't going to break up because you had sex too soon. Some people have sex the first time they meet (not even a date) and go on to get married and live happily ever after. But if you have any doubt whether a guy is into you, or looking for sex, then just don't have sex with him. Don't get involved in "make out" sessions that you know WILL lead to sex. Don't go to his apartment, don't sit in a car with him for two hours. Kiss him goodnight, and leave. If he's really interested in getting to know you, and possibly having a relationship with you, he will wait.
There are also people who actually wait till they get married to have sex, and when I say sex, I mean ALL sex, not just intercourse. I always have to laugh when women say "I'm waiting for marriage" when they've done every sexual thing possible except intercourse, including oral and anal. They're just fooling themselves, and chances are, when they finally DO have intercourse, they will just think "is that it?".
The bottom line here is that YOU are in charge when you're with a guy, and if you really don't want to "do it", then DON'T.
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I never blamed by exes for anything. But there's a big difference between a guy asking if he could do certain things (like my first few boyfriends did) and guys doing them without asking. My last boyfriend, for example, liked to take my pants of out of the blue and I had to tell him to stop but he'd just laugh at me as if I was being silly and said I was playing hard to get, continuing to take off my pants. He'd stop when I was insistent enough but would resume later on or almost every time I'd see him after that only a few minutes after I walked through the door. He was convinced no meant yes and when I asked him why he continued to do that after I told him no, his excuse was that he's a horny bastard. After a while you get used to it and it becomes "normal" to you even though you don't like it. Needless to say, I left because of his lack of a romantic approach though there were other reasons as well. So no, I am not blaming him for doing that because I should have left him right then and there instead of waiting a few more months but the fact that he called me a lot, bought me flowers, saw me every weekend, was reliable, etc. made me think that he cared for me and I overlooked the other things.
From my personal experience, waiting for sex has only brought about positive things for me and sex experts do say to wait at least two months to have sex to get to know someone and let your feelings catch up with your hormones. My last serious boyfriend (three boyfriends ago) I could make out with for hours and he would not take my clothes off. He never asked me to have sex with him and he waited for me to tell him that I wanted to. So going from that to a guy practically tearing your clothes off is something I'm not sure how to handle. I just think I've made some poor choices in men lately and prefer a more timid man. Nonetheless, I came on here to ask for advice on what alternative things I could do with my next boyfriend and not to get criticized for playing a victim. If anyone could offer some real advice, that would be nice.