Waiting until I'm married to have sex again- Please tell me someone can relate

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2004
Waiting until I'm married to have sex again- Please tell me someone can relate
7
Sat, 11-16-2013 - 9:26pm

I was engaged to a man 10 years ago who I gave my virginity to. I was so overwhelmed and surprised that he found me attractive(I have body image issues). Well that relationship did not work out and after a couple more dissapointing relationships, I made the decision to wait until I'm married to have sex again. One guy recently told me that I was basically useless to him becuase I would not sleep with him. I know this may be very unpopular but I'm not backing down! I'm standing firm on what I believe as a Christian  and I just hope there are others out there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010

I am an observant Jewish man, age 50, now married 6 1/2 years. My policy was when I was single, I'd be willing to wait until marriage with a virgin. A non-virgin could take time to get to know me first, but sleeping with me would be a prerequisite for marriage.  I wouldn't be rude or nasty with a woman like you, but we'd just be friends, with no chance of more!!!

The only good news I have is that other guys don't think as I do here. Of course, plenty won't wait for either a virgin or non-virgin. Some other guys very much want to wait for marriage themselves, irregardless of their past or the woman's past. They tend to have strong religious beliefs themselves. A devout guy like this would probably be your best bet. I know a far number like this in my own religion.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

Your views are in the minority but there are other people who share them.  I Have a devout Christian friend who is a middle aged widow and she would not have sex unless she was married.  And she does hope to get married again.  I think it's harder to find men who share your views but there are definitely some Christian men who must.  Good luck.  By the way, I think what the man said was very rude.  I think there's a polite way to say that you disagree without being rude to the other person.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010

Someone who would tell you that you were useless to him if you wouldn't have sex doesn't sound like a very nice person anyway so no loss there.

I assume by "no sex" you mean no penetration, but you are willing to fool around in other ways? When you find someone that you think might be marriage material, I'd advise you to do some sexual exploration with him. I know someone (a devout Christian, already a divorcee so sexually experienced) who also decided to refrain from sex before marriage, only to find out too late that she and her new husband were sexually imcompatible to the point that she ended up divorcing him (there were some other problems too but the sex issue was the deal breaker). Afterwards she said she realized why he didn't make sexual advances while they were dating. She thought that he was being respectful of her beliefs, but in reality he had some hang-ups about sex. If she had been willing to engage in some foreplay she would have found out before it was too late.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2004
I appreciate your candor about this issue. I think kissing and a little touching is OK! I just wish more people had a high respect for sex.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

It sounds like you think the fact you had sex with these men with whom you had relationships somehow caused them to end.  In fact, if you hadn't had sex with them, they might have ended sooner.  Most men in this day and age expect sex to be a part of a relationship, but that doesn't mean on the first date, or the first month or two or three.......but eventually.  And that rude jerk that said you were useless......well, there hare jerks everywhere, and you wouldn't have stayed with him, either.  I'm wondering if you just announced out of the blue on the first date:....."by the way, no sex until marriage".  If so, that would turn off most men.  And then there is the "christian" angle.  Being christian doesn't necessarily dictate specific rules.   There's also a "Christian" dating site, so maybe you should look there!  And I'll bet that most of the men you meet there will probably expect sex before marriage too. 

I was a true virgin until I got married, and as another poster mentioned.....you might end up with someone who's a dud sexually unless you "try before you buy"........that's what happened to me.  Twenty years of boring sex!  Whatever you decide is your business, but I can assure you that the failed relationships had nothing to do with sex before marriage.  They were meant to fail. 

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010

 There are two important things to realize.  First it is very important to find a person whose sex drive is like yours (you can ask).  2nd is to know your expectations on married sex.  3rd the boundaries and expectations on affection closeness,handling stress,money and other things that bother you.  Some things that cause friction are to others minor but to some deal busters.   And work on that body image!

  i would take Fissy's experience to heart.  She has a good head on life.

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2014

First off, that guy sounds like he doesn't deserve to get off with you.

Second, I very much respect your decision to wait, but don't think it's the healthiest route.  After years of being very confused and feeling guilty with sex I am still learning how to navigate single-hood (I don't like random hookups but I'm also not a relationship hunter, this leads to little sex even tho I have the opportunity often).  What I have learned thru years of courses, watching several divorces, relationship counseling, etc, is that sex is a very important part of a relationship and that this isn't a bad thing.  A healthy sexual relationship is satisfying and brings people closer together.  It adds to relationships and couples can have great sex into old age, even if the sex changes.  Sex is so important, that if the sexual chemistry is off, the entire relationship can be doomed even if everything else seems to fit.  Also, I've learned that a man's habits in the bedroom can be very big predictors of how he treats a woman (foreplay, positions, amount of effort put in to get the woman off, the nature of the dirty talk he might use, etc.).  So again, I respect your Christian values to the fullest!  I just believe that we have found out a lot more about the health/relationship benefits of a good sexlife!  It's a beautiful thing to participate in.  Of course, this definitely doesn't mean I'm saying one should give it up and out quickly or easily!  =)