wanting change..is it a bad thing?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2003
wanting change..is it a bad thing?
9
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 4:08am
well tonight when my boyfriend was driving me home he informed me he wanted to try anal sex for the second *and if it hurt again* the last time.

we tried it about 2 weeks ago but it hurt WAY too much that it only last for about 2 seconds? if that.

we used lots of lubricant and he fingered me a bit before too, but it still hurt.

*not the fingering part, just the anal sex itself*

now to me, it doesnt turn me on the slightest bit, but he told me it feels really good and he loves it..i on the other hand find it quite disgusting.

then he informed me it would be a "good/nice change" and what we were doing now, *which is just your regular old sex position* is good, but he wants "ice tea" and what he has now is "water" .. i took this as he was already bored, am i right? isnt that what change is? your bored of what you have so you need something new? now i asked him if this was it and he said "no no, i love you, dont ever think that, i could never get bored of you" but then whats with all these new sex positions lately? kinda freaking me out, i am starting to wonder "how the hell does he know about all of these?"

anyone have any ideas for spicing up things up a bit in the bedroom?

whether it be sex talk, foreplay, role playing, sex positions ect.

also, he has a really big fascination with cumming on my stomach or on my breats.

is this normal, and if it is, why is it such a turn on?

one more thing actually..we have never used anything to protect ourselves from becoming parents! whether it be birth control, the shot, or even condoms.

i have been on the pill and i constantly forget to take it on time, so that just doesnt work for me. as for the shot, it freaks me out a bit and i read the side effects and they are terrible. condoms seems like the only thing left right? well i tried to talk him into using them but he just wont go get them. he tells me i should if i want to use them, but thats not just my responsiblity. i believe he should, just like when i was on the pill i was getting that myself. now he knows i have stopped using it and he is always saying how he doesnt need kids right now, but then why not just go get condoms? do guys not like them or what? we havent used anything in 4-5 months but now i am starting to want to because of a recent pregnancy scare with him.

condoms just seem so unromantic to me, "can you wait a second, i need to get the condom" as you search for half hour and then your just not in the mood anymore.

what to do?

thnx! i know its long!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2004
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 7:10am
Hi,

"The more that things change, the more they stay the same." ( I wish I could write that properly in French. it sounds so much better)

That is....constantly changing.....and, good or bad change, is one's oppinion.

But the reality is that life and every aspect of it is constantly changing.

You say you're worried that he's bored, and then you ask for ways to spice things up.

That's good, you must be redy to change too.

As far as where he get's these ideas and positions from???

Don't worry, I learned everything I know from books and friends and message boards like this one. The most important thing I learned is the need for change and new experiences in sex (as well as everything else).

You should be looking at it that, he is trying to find ways to keep you from getting bored with him, so he's thinking and researching, and what may sound like a good idea may or may not work for you two, then just chalk it up to experience and move on to the next idea.

Enjoy it all and have fun.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 7:39am

As for anal sex, that is something both partners have to want to try in order to enjoy.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2004
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 9:43am
WOW, I guess you said it all Tish

Great answers!! :)

I agree with Tish 100%
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 11:11am
LOL.......can you tell I'm a mom???

bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2004
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 11:36am
LOL...Yes, my son had the collic(sp?) for the first 9 months of his life from about 1 to 11 pm daily and it was all my ex and I could do not to kill each other, much less make love. Still don't know how we servived that.

Needles to say...we only had ONE child!!! WHEW!!! LOL
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2004
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 10:26pm
You still have time to get on the patch, the shot, or buy a big box of condoms before you accidently get pregnant and have to raise a child together for 20 years. Please use BC responsibly. And I am with you, I cannot even remember to take vitaman pills every day. I would not be good at using the pill. So I have a tubal ligation which takes all the worry away for me.

Which do you want, pregnancy, birth, abortion, or raising a baby for 20 years or using birth control?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Sun, 08-22-2004 - 7:37pm
Tish has answered it all really, but I'll add my spin on things anyway:

Are condoms unromantic? You bet that they are. Guys usually dislike condoms because the sensation isn't nearly as good. It's good, but not as good. Of course, if you keep them in a bedside drawer or on the dresser then you don't have to search for them, and it can actually be fun if you put the condom on his penis yourself; so it's not all bad. I think that your b/f is being a pig-headed idiot about it because he should be taking some responsibilty himself. He's trying to force you to take responsibilty and to organise the BC by not doing anything himself.

Anyway, if neither of you are prepared to to organise some other form of birth control then condoms are the only option, aren't they? As Tish said there ARE other forms of BC available besides the shot, so you need to go to the Doctor and talk about something that suits you. In the meantime, use condoms or don't have sex. You don't want kids and you can't simply keep having sex with the attitude that "Oh well, I haven't gotten pregnant yet, once more won't hurt!". It's probably minor miracle that you haven't gotten pregnant yet and honestly, your attitude towards having unprotected sex very naive, if not verging on downright stupid. You're a grown-up that doesn't want kids - you should know better.

>>he has a really big fascination with cumming on my stomach or on my breats.

is this normal?<<

Yep. Pretty normal. Beats me why. There is just something very erotic about it. Maybe it's because when we masturbate our penis is obviously in our hand and not in a vagina so the next sexiest thing we can think of is having our semen squirt from our hand onto a sexy body?

>>"how the hell does he know about all of these?"<<

The mid-late evening TV (eg. Sex in the City), the internet, the stories in Penthouse magazine, other magazines, the radio (eg. Howard Stern), blue movies, his friends,.... everywhere. His little brain takes it all in and figures out what he'd like to try.

>>then he informed me it would be a "good/nice change"<<

It's good that he's talking to you about this. Some couples never talk about these things and live frustrating lives not ever knowing or trying new things. New things are good. You don't have to go along with everything if you don't like it, and you don't ever have to try anything more than once if you decide to try it, but talking about it is good.

"Bored" is a strong word. He probably isn't bored in a bad way. I love roast chicken for dinner and never get bored eating it, but I would get bored with it if I had roast chicken every night, seven days a week, 52 weeks a year. Variety and new things are fun and interesting, and even if they aren't fun at least you've tried them and know that you really do appreciate the roast chicken main course.

>>*not the fingering part, just the anal sex itself*

now to me, it doesnt turn me on the slightest bit<<

Anal sex has to be taken VERY slowly, literally millimetre by millimetre, with lots of lube. You have to trust your partner and you should control the penetration, he shouldn't push even the tiniest little bit. Finally, it is essential that you can relax.

If you know that it hurts and think that it's disgusting then it's likely that your muscles will be unconciously tensed and tight. It will take a long time for you to be able to relax enough to enjoy it and to allow enjoyable penetration - if at all.

Perhaps the best option is to not try it again and to file the idea away in the back of your head so that one day, you might feel like trying it again in the future. Just forget about it for now. Anal sex is not for everyone and you shouldn't feel obliged to do it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2003
Sun, 08-22-2004 - 9:41pm
I would have to agree with you - he probably is bored.... BUT he doesn't seem to be bored with YOU! Don't take it personally... he just wants to add a bit more variation...

Now if he finds anal VERY attractive and you have tried and still find it disgusting then don't force yourself to do it... All that will do is turn you off from sex as a whole (well, it CAN even if doesn't actually)....

You can still add some variations that make BOTH of you comfortable.... Try new positions that still include *regular old* vaginal sex.... Think you've tried them all??? Most likely not! Get a book of positions or kama sutra or something along those lines... You can also try to change your format a bit... couples tend to get in a 'rut' and always do sex the same way... If you always undress yourselves, then you go down, then him and then he penetrates try and 'spice it up' a bit... you undress him... then have him go down.. then let him start to penetrate but stop so you can go down.. then him a again... then go back to penetration... you get the point..just changing the order can add some 'life' to your sex life...

You can also try to change the location... If you always have sex in the bedroom try to living room couch... A few years ago I was living with a roommate and was dating a guy that (ugh!) lived with his parents... obviously we couldn't really have sex much place OTHER than the bedroom! So I suprised him and got a local hotel for a night,... Nothign too great local AmeriSuites and a few drinks... It was great just to feel a bit more 'free'....

Another idea is to bring stuff to your sex life... You can watch porn together (before or during sex....) go buy a toy or two together... try a lubricant that gets warm once applied (this is a GREAT feeling for both of you) or a flavored lube to make foreplay more fun.. I've even experimented with edible body paints!

Just try to have fun - but always find things that BOTH of you are comfortable with... If he still tries to pressure you about trying anal then talk to him... Tell him to put himself in your shoes... What if you wanted to try something (you can even use anal on him as an example) that he wasn't comfortable with? Perhaps there IS something you want to try - if so then talk to him about it... Maybe you can try anal again (many people do enjoy it once they have had a 'successful' - nonpainful - experience with it) and he will try what you want.... BUT, remember, if you REALLY do NOT want to even attempt it again - don't! You should never feel pressured to do something you don't want to and he shoudl respect your boundaries...

Hope This Helps! :)

J.No

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-23-2004 - 1:59pm

I'm confused.


Sharon

A friend is the person who kn