Was I wrong to be upset?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Was I wrong to be upset?
26
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 12:09pm
My fiancee and I normally have sex 3 times a week. I was getting the feeling that last night we might, and I got that feeling even more when he asked me to give him oral. Naturally, I teased him some by rubbing on him and kissing on his ears and neck, sucking his tongue....just seeing how antsy he'd get, then I went for it. He orgasmed, so I figured unless we wait a while, we might not actually have sex, but he could just return the favor. But he never did. He just got up off the couch and took a shower and went to sit in his chair.

Now I don't mind pleasuring him (I actually love it), but I wish he'd take the initiative to do it for me without being asked. I do that for him a lot. He could be almost asleep and I'll just lean over and surprise him.

I guess he just likes hearing me ask for it. I don't know. I know he loves pleasuring me orally, he always has and has told me how great it is. We got into a conversation last night about how he gets surprised with it and I never do and how it bothers me to no even get the offer after I've given it to him. I'm just as horny as he is...maybe more so sometimes and I love sex. So yeah, I was frustrated when he just got up and left me sitting there like I had done nothing special.

So yes we got into it. He claims that I'm keeping score now. It's not true. I just want him to sometimes walk over and yank down my pants and take me. He once told me the secret to keeping him happy sexually was unsolicited BJ's. Well, he can come over and give me some unsolicited action too. I've never turned him down unless I was having my period. And he isn't about sex during that anyway.

Was I wrong to be upset? Is it so bad to want the same thing in return?

Melissa

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2003
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 1:25pm
People do what they want to do most times. I can certainly understand why you are upset. You've clearly communicated what you want, as did he, and....nothing. His remark about keeping score was a defensive remark to a sensible complaint. Instead of just acknowledging that one has nothing to do with the other, that unsolicited means just that, he instead turned it on you to make you believe that you're asking for payback. This is where men and women miss each other in relationships. Why wouldn't you want exactly what he wants? Unsolicited has a very different connotation than solicited, IMO. It shows DESIRE, not obligation. What happens now is if he doesn't change, you'll stew over this. Resentment will build and this is how relationships begin to crash. You'll stop giving him what he wants out of spite. Then when he realizes you mean it,then and then and only then he'll change. Only now you'll feel that he's only doing it out of obligation or to get his. It's good that you told him how you feel, but unfortnately it may not solve your problem. YOU then have an option. You can continue to resent him or you can let it go and accept this about him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2003
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 1:39pm
Dear Melissa,

Right or wrong does not apply to emotions. You felt as you felt and there is no need for you to seek approval for others for your feelings. Even if you thought it was "wrong", that won't change the emotion next time around. However, if your question is rather: Is it fair to want unsolicited oral sex? The answer would be 'no'. We desire what we desire and it has nothing to do with right or wrong. But if your question is: "I want unsolicited sex, but I don't want to tell him that I want...I want him to just know what I want." You will be waiting a long time and prepare to be dissappointed. Most men are not Karnak the Mindreader...in fact, most men are a little dense when it comes to intuiting what their partners needs and wants are.

However, it is extremely important that you communicate your true desires to your fiance'. For example: "I'd love to give you a BJ, but...me next." Or, "You know what I would love? I would love if in the middle of the night, I woke up with you gently licking me..." etc. etc. WHatever you want...make it fun.

If you give a gift and expect that you get something in return, it's not a gift, it's a trade; there's absolutely nothing wrong with trading. However, if you tell your partner it's a gift, but you really want a trade, you will be unhappy, and in the future he will have to pay for it in some way that is not fun for him nor for you. That's just human nature. So be clear, but do it in a fun way.

There is nothing more exciting to most men than a woman who wants to be "taken". Lot's of women do not want that. So make it really clear to him that that is what you desire.

Good luck.

Scott.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 1:41pm
No, you're not wrong to be upset, but you're wrong to just stew about it, and let it go.

As the other poster said, there's a difference between desire and obligation. And obviously, when you've talked about it, you've listened, but he hasn't. Then he has the gall to turn it around and tell you that you're keeping score. Of COURSE you're keeping score, if he gets everything, and you get nothing in return.

I think you need to talk to him AGAIN, and tell him AGAIN how you feel. Explain the desire and obligation thing to him. If it doesn't sink in this time, then maybe it's time for you to stop giving him what HE wants. Maybe THAT will get his attention. It seems like talking doesn't!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 2:12pm
"There is nothing more exciting to most men than a woman who wants to be "taken". Lot's of women do not want that. So make it really clear to him that that is what you desire."

I'm so happy to be so different. I love that I am sexually free and love to be touched and to experiment with different things. And I know he is happy about that too. His first wife was not this way. She rarely allowed his affections and he had to turn to masturbation as his primary source of pleasure. And she had the nerve to accuse him of cheating because she found some porn. I can't help but laugh at how ridiculous that is. He has such a different partner in me and he's even admitted that no one he's ever been with has wanted him like I do.

I think I mentioned once or twice that he's had corrective surgery on his penis from when he was born. His urethra was at the base and they had to fix it. It's totally normal now, no visual hints of anything, no performance issues. But he has a small piece of scar tissue that is very painful and he can't have sex every day or several times in a day like someone who has never had this surgery. I'm fine with that. What I get is amazing and I still get it 3 times a week at least.

Reason why I brought it up is because when I'm having my period, I give him oral because I like to and because I hate to make him wait several days for that to be over. But when he's sore he doesn't think to just come over and give me a little help and it kind of hurts my feelings that he wouldn't think of me just a little.

Maybe I'm too sensitive. I mean he's such a good man and he adores me and would never go anywhere. He's devoted and he loves my son as his own. So many people don't get sex as often or as good as I get it, yet, I seem to want more.

I have even told him that he should be flattered that I get frustrated because if it were horrible, I'd never worry about if I got sex or not. But it's so good, that I crave it 24/7. He understands, but still doesn't get the point. But like you said, men are dense sometimes and we need to draw a picture. LOL! I guess I'll be getting my scetch pad out tonight!

Melissa

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2003
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 2:22pm
Scott, are you suggesting that men are dumb? The men that I ended up in bed with were extremely considerate, which was a "trait" that I personally sought. Although the poster did make reference to that one incident, she later elaborated that he hasn't complied to her general request as she has seemed to have done for him. IMO, that translates to "He doesn't want to do it." I'm not insinuating that he should HAVE to after getting his(at which time refractory may dampen his desire), but he hasn't at ANY time. How many times does she have to tell him? He needs specific instructions each time, and yet FOR HIM he understands what unsolicited means and made that a clear OVERALL desire to which she complied and he's accepted? You, however, need two considerate lovers to make two happy people. And it doesn't have to be tit for tat....could be tit, tit, tit, tat, tit, tat, tat, tat, tit, tit...but at least show desire and not make someone grovel for the exact same thing you request.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 4:08pm
I do have to disagree with the statement "He doesn't want to", because he more than wants to. There are times when I'm giving him oral and he grabs a hold of one of my legs so he can go for the 69 and get to me too. And since I can't normally orgasm while doing that because I'm concentrating on him too much to get the full enjoyment, I will stop his oral pleasure and TELL him what I want next or he makes the move instead.

He is very giving in bed and wants me to be happy, but I wish that he'd just let one night be about me instead of it either being just about him or both of us getting it. Either way, he gets his, but sometimes I don't and I find it frustrating.

I don't think that's selfish. I think that it's natural to want what you give others. But I don't expect it, I want him to think of it. I guess that goes under the whole "men can't read women's minds" bit.

I certainly didn't want to come off as an unhappy lover, because I'm not. I just have this wish that hasn't been fulfilled even though I've expressed it once or twice. And I don't want to make it sound like he never does anything....I'm not deprived. But I also will not make excuses for him. He SHOULD listen to me, he SHOULD think about how I deserve a night of my own sometimes like he gets. I will communicate this to him again so he is clear that he can make me happy by the same means. And he hopefully will hear me and not take offense. I know I can come off abrasive when I'm upset, so I have to be careful. I'll keep my cool and just sit and express my thoughts to him. He's a sweetie and will be more than willing to listen as long as I'm calm.

Melissa

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Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 5:26pm
I can tell you this....my DH ALWAYS expects reciprocation for oral. He has NEVER offered me oral pleasure without a motive. But I often will provide pleasure with no strings or expecations as MY choice.

I don't know if this is just the way the male mind functions, as in not being as nurturing and naturally giving as women, or that it never dawns on him to do it just because I enjoy it. You are not alone in your experience though.

I think it's good to establish a rule about reciprocation....so that there's NO question or ambiguity about it.


Edited 4/23/2004 5:08 pm ET ET by katmandoo2001

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 5:36pm
I don't think being considerate and thoughtful about others, even your partner, comes naturally to men though. I think it's a deliberate act for most men. It's just part of female nature to want to care for your partner in that way. Women are born nurturers, for the most part and men have to LEARN to be.

I tried to raise my sons to be thoughtful and considerate, and they ARE to an extent, but it's still NOT a part of their nature. They tend to have to THINK about it, whereas it seems to be part of who we are as women.


Edited 4/22/2004 6:10 pm ET ET by katmandoo2001

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2003
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 5:45pm
NO! You weren't wrong to be upset. Sorry, to everyone else that reads this but guys just "EXPECT IT". Ask for yours first. Ask for "it" first. Tell him to turn you on and you will turn him on. It's easier that way....trust me. Hope that helps Melissa.

Cindy

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2003
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 7:55pm
No FTC,

I didn't mean to imply that men are dumb, just sometimes we speak a different language. We don't always pick up on certain clues. I believe that if a couple communicates clearly, and have their partners repeat what they said in their own words, most of the time we get our needs met. And that is true of both sexes. Also, as a previous poster mentioned, you don't want a gift from your partner that comes from a sense of obligation, or fear that they won't meet your needs. To me that taints the gift that sex and love is and ultimately destroys the joy of giving. I don't believe that most men or women would leave a partner unfullfilled in any way if they were fully aware of what was going on.

Peace,

Scott.

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