wat do u think

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
wat do u think
78
Thu, 08-19-2004 - 11:46am
can u guys help me out. i dont like oral sex , does that make me not mature enough to be having sex? i think oral and hand jobs r disgusting and i would never do it or let someone give me oral thats for sure.

xxx

kate

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2004
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 3:45pm
well, kate, you will :)!!!

Now how do you know what the right way is? Now that is a difficult question. When my DF asks, are you sexually satisfied, I always confuse her. I give her two answers.

1) You are doing a great job considering my needs and pleasing me. I am very satisfied with your effort

2) I would enjoy more, but I am not going to be dissatified just because I dont get my way now. We will work on it together.

No matter what the mood, if I say #2 she is slightly depressed. She thinks she will never get there. That is why I rarely say #2. When I do, of course she will be confused at first by saying, "then why did you say #1?". Then I tell her that it is because they are both true, and that I want her to know where I stand.

Eventually, I will change #2 to read

3) I am really proud that you have come this far. This is a level and can learn to live with and enjoy. Thanks for climbing that mountain for me. In the beginning that wasnt my original goal, but I think that for our relatioship, it is perfect. Thank you for fighting with me.

By saying that I am saying "All this time I was compromising with you and you with me. Finally we half way". Hopefully people meet half way.

I think because of the way spouses react to hearing news and the inherent weakness of everyone, the person being asked will only say 1). The person asking needs to make the situation safe enough for the person being asked to claim 2). It takes time and patience, but it will come out.

If the other person says "Look. I used to think I wanted oral, but after I met you, I really found out that that wasnt important to me. The movies and magazines say it feels good and I wanted that part of my life, but now I dont". Then you know it is the truth and do what you want with it. You can get married, but your partner may change his/her mind. Not even they know for sure. You need to get a straight answer like that.

You cant just say "is sex important to you?" "Is oral important to you?", and then they say "No, not really" "No, not really". They are answering with #1.

You need to dig a little in a non-threatening way.

I used to think sex wasnt important as I said earlier, but that isnt as true as her statement that sex isnt important. When she says sex isnt important she means "On some years, I can be satisfied with twice a year. As long as we feel connected, I will never think about it except on rare rare occassions when my hormones flare for some reason. I can honestly say that I can imagine us in a beautiful sexless marriage."

When I say it isnt important I mean "If I dont get it all the time, I wont bitch. I dont live and die by sex. If we go through a dry month here and there, I can live. Sex isnt that important to me."

I certainly dont mean I can go without.

You need him to elaborate and you need to find out his old views. If he said "honestly honey, I never thought about it till I asked, and then I was just mildly curios about it" Then you are more in the clear.

Again, if you are super firm on anything, get ready for tug of war. Even though your man didnt think about it then or now, do you honestly expect him to tell you whether or not in the next 40 years he will ever want it? Who can answer such a question. No one. But at least you told him, so that will help.

Also, even if he didnt know. Do you think he would throw away an otherwise wonderful relationship on what he might want 20 years from now? He probably wouldnt! So what happends if he changes his mind...well because you warned him 20 years ago, he is screwed (thanks for playing the game of life, take care, bye bye now). That is why luvlickin and myself mentioned that no one really can be prepared enough. It is just good to minimize the areas that you are SO FIRM on.

Best of luck.

Let me know if you need me to elaborate more!



iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2004
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 3:49pm


oh yeah, and kate,

Dont read into my post or others too much. you dont want to over think and throw away a relationship. If you get ideas to bring up to your man, be gentle. He will be surprised by your new knowledge. Please use my info to think about things a little. Everyone gets cold feet before marriage, but you shouldnt get paranoid just because of what a stranger said. Just make sure you think about things and slowly discuss things with him so you are both more aware of the possible realities of a life long romantic partnership.



iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Sat, 08-21-2004 - 10:23pm
Yes. You're VERY lucky that you're not pregnant.

I must admit that I kinda agree with the view that the others have about the oral and manual sex. I couldn't imagine eliminating those things from our sex life entirely. I'm curious, how do you feel about other things that involve sex - like vibrators or masturbation? Do you masturbate? How do you feel about him masturbating?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2004
Sat, 08-21-2004 - 11:08pm
I have to put my two cents in this one. I do understand that you don't want to do this and it is ok. That is your body and your feelings and you have every right to feel this way. How ever, if a guy ask you to go down on them or wants to go down on you, you better be sure that he has never done it to someone else. I know that you might feel that you know the guys that your are with, but do you know what he was into before you? If he is wanting you to try this and acting like he has never done it before chances are that he has and you may never really know. So before you give the next kiss, think about who he might have went down on. As far as hand jobs, that is why there is soap and water. You have to remember that it is about what you want and about you being happy. You have to hold the happiness in your hand. Never let anyone hold your happiness in their hands. By the why I'm not a guy, just a mature woman that is happy with who she is sexually. I hope that I have helped you out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 08-21-2004 - 11:30pm
Seems like you and I think alike - I can't imagine anything more gross that putting one's mouth on another's excretory organ, however, from what I have read and heard, men do seem to like receiving oral quite a bit. But I did find a shred of hope for those like us when I was watching TV one night - a sex educator explained that they now make flavored condoms (odd that few ever suggest this option). It would be sort of like wearing gloves when you clean the toilet - a necessary job but far more pleasant with the gloves on! Therefore you could satisfy and keep your man and not get disgusted (unless your reason for digust goes beyond germs and whatnot - then I really don't know what you could do about it). As far as you receiving oral, there are ways females can protect themselves (and the man) as well. Hand jobs? I guess you could do like the toilet example and wear gloves! I personally would not have a problem touching a penis, but putting it in my mouth is a whole 'nother ball game.

Just a suggestion (the condom thing) - I thought it might help.


Schrecken
"Never fear, Underdog is here!"
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Sun, 08-22-2004 - 9:50am

Probably the reason no one mentioned the flavor condoms is because we are talking about a LTR.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
Sun, 08-22-2004 - 10:05am
I read through some of the post and I think sex itself for you just may not be of interest. You say he doesn't care about these, could be that strangly enough maybe you did find someone that it would not bother, but I can assure you a sex life of intercourse only, and the way it sounds probably missionary will get very very boring.

You say he never had these given to him in past relationships, if he has had other sexual relationships I find that hard to believe, because your veiws although I am sure held by others would definitely not be considered the norm.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Sun, 08-22-2004 - 11:19am
Dunno if you're from the US -- something in your post made me think maybe not -- but this is a free country -- if you don't fancy oral it's not illegal to not do it!

As I have posted before, one of my two best friends, who's truly lovely and sexy, simply can't do it, I think for pretty much the same reason you can't. However, she has a wonderful bf who adores her -- so she must be doing something right.

That being said, of course you want to be a fun lover for this guy. I really think the handjob aversion is going too far. The last thing you would want him to feel is that his natural, healthy urges are gross, and I think the glove thing would just be most uncool. Just my $.02.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Sun, 08-22-2004 - 11:49am

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bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2004
Sun, 08-22-2004 - 4:54pm
Hi Kate! Hope you've found some helpful replies so far.

Just so you know, I myself am a survivor of violent child abuse. My wife will testify that I actually turned juuuuust fine. LOL!!

When wifey and I first started out sexually, I had MAJOR issues needlesstosay, but over time, I've actually learned to hold back on almost nothing and we enjoy so much. I truly feel that THAT is what a relationship does: It heals and it allows even victims like myself to actually enjoy the partner in unlimited fashion. I could have chosen to miss out and cause her to miss out as well, but I chose to at least try it with someone I obviously trust and love so much. Now I have no regrets and no need to think of it as gross.

If you're posting this for the purpose of your feelings on a certain issue, then I really can't help you. You choice is your choice and there isn't any right or wrong to it.

Your issue with oral does not mean you are less mature for sex. It simply means you view it differently than others do. What you choose to enjoy and choose to miss out on is your choice. However, keep this in mind, it ALSO does not mean its disgusting either. Different couples enjoy each other's bodies differently than you do. Your "disgust" is not and simply cannot be based upon anything that ANY medical professional can describe as unhealthy when it comes to "safe" oral sex (meaning perfectly clean and free of disease) and can only be described as you making that particular choice on your own based upon how you personally feel, and for whatever reason.

If you're NOT in a trusting loving relationship like many of us , then oral sex isn't even a blip on your radar to discover how to actually enjoy the direct contact your body parts has with the body parts of your partner. If you choose to NOT know what your missing in this very pleasurable part of an actual loving relationship, then its your choice, just as much as others choose to view oral as an extra expression of love. My wife & I give each other body rubs and kiss and do oral as well. We have NO problem touching each other and in NO way will we view our body parts as disgusting. So we have different views than you do, but ours are based upon the relationship we have which is an addiction of simply not being able to touch each other enough, LOL!!

If there's something you choose not to enjoy that others DO enjoy as part of their sexual relationship, then don't. Not less mature for it, but you ARE less knowledgeable of how wonderful it can really be.

C h a r a c t e r


above all else


Mr. Para

 

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