We brokeup b/c of sex or other issues?
Find a Conversation
| Thu, 08-18-2005 - 10:07am |
This was my first partner! We have been in a realtionship for over 5 months. Lately I have noticed that we are different concerning hobbies, activites, etc. He has a job that does not allow him to be at home often. However, last night we went out for dinner we came home and began having sex, we even attempted anal for the first time. I love for him to mess with me in that area, he went inside me once and it wasn't the most pleasant, I could not tell if I was getting aroused or if I was about to have a very embarrassing moment, I would have continued to let him thrust, but I was afraid what might come out. Therefore, we gave up on that! Is there any way to guarantee for that not to happen? Enemma?
Well then we continued sex, I have problems with orgasm. Which I have learned from this site that 85% of women do not orgasm during intercourse. While we continued to have sex and I knew he wasn't going to last much longer before he got off, I told him that I hated sex and I was over it and for him to just get off and get it over with. I said this out of frustration! I hate not being able to orgasm. I can only have clitoral and that is rare! As he started to orgasm, I started to cry, b/c I was so upset. So once I knew he got off, I told him to get off (from being on top) of me. Then he realized I was crying and he kept asking me what was wrong. I asked him to leave me alone. He went to the living room, once I gathered myself I went to sit with him, I knew he was upset, so I got up to hug and kiss him and to tell him that it wasn't him, it's me and I have a problem. He told me he just wanted to go to bed.
We went to bed and I tried to talk to him about it, he told me to see a doctor and wasn't very comforting and that he wanted to go to sleep. I commented that it didn't suprise me he didn't want to talk about it, b/c he doesn't ever want to talk about our relationship. Then I began asking how we can fix our problem and what kind of activities he used to do with his other GF's. He said hangout. I said well friends hangout and continued to try to resolve something. Still crying, I just told him that I was sleeping on the couch and to wake me in the morning. He said he would just go home. I pleaded with him to stay and that I needed him. He insisted I needed to be alone. As he gathered his clothes, I told him to get all of his stuff before he left. He did so and left.
If he cared at all, would he have not tried to reconcile or to comfort me? This man loves me more than anyone, but I just wasn't at that point, things moved to fast. Was this break up necessary or could this realtionship work. Or are we too different?
Sorry this is so long! To get great advice, you need to know the entire story!

Pages
Wow, I think the two of you need to learn communication skills.
Okay, reading this only confirms that calm, mature communication, not assumptions, hyperemotionalism and tantrums, are the only way to solve problems. ANY kind of problem.
No wonder guys get so frustrated with all the mixed messages! It sounds as if you weren't too happy with him in the first place and were blaming him for your inability to orgasm. That's not fair.
IF he wasn't interested enough in pleasing you and this was discussed at length, then he really didn't care enough. BUT if you expected him to read your mind and held him responsible for your orgasm, then there's nothing he, or any other man, can do for you. This was a very new relationship and they rarely are perfect from the start so I personally think you jumped the gun. He may have gotten tired of all the drama and figured it just wasn't worth it.
I do understand your frustration, but it's best to figure out what you need to orgasm BEFORE you get involved with another partner. Only then will you be able to ask for what you want and have any hope of a mature and satisfying relationship.
Edited 8/18/2005 12:11 pm ET ET by katmandoo2001
I don't know where to begin other than at the top...
>>
I love for him to mess with me in that area, he went inside me once and it wasn't the most pleasant, I could not tell if I was getting aroused or if I was about to have a very embarrassing moment, I would have continued to let him thrust, but I was afraid what might come out. Therefore, we gave up on that! Is there any way to guarantee for that not to happen? Enemma?
<<
*Yeah an enema would do the trick. Just search this board or the Taboo board. I think both have about a ton of posts about anal and what to do.
>>
While we continued to have sex and I knew he wasn't going to last much longer before he got off, I told him that I hated sex and I was over it and for him to just get off and get it over with.
<<
*I understand you were frustrated but.... you waited till he was about to ejaculate and said you hated sex and for him to hurry and get off?!?!?!?!? Had a woman said that to me I would have gotten up and left. Why did you wait till he almost climaxed??
>>
As he started to orgasm, I started to cry, b/c I was so upset. So once I knew he got off, I told him to get off (from being on top) of me. Then he realized I was crying and he kept asking me what was wrong. I asked him to leave me alone.
<<
*How in the world he mananged to orgasm after what you said is amazing. When he realized you were upset and asked what was wrong you pushed him away. Why?
>>
He went to the living room, once I gathered myself I went to sit with him, I knew he was upset, so I got up to hug and kiss him and to tell him that it wasn't him, it's me and I have a problem.
<<
*I think it was the mixed signals you are sending him that might be causing some of the problems.
>>He told me he just wanted to go to bed.
We went to bed and I tried to talk to him about it, he told me to see a doctor and wasn't very comforting and that he wanted to go to sleep. I commented that it didn't suprise me he didn't want to talk about it, b/c he doesn't ever want to talk about our relationship.
<<
*He said he wanted to go to bed and you tried to talk to him?? It doesn't suprise me either that he doen't want to talk about the relationship since both of you are having a difficult time talking and listening.
>>
Still crying, I just told him that I was sleeping on the couch and to wake me in the morning. He said he would just go home. I pleaded with him to stay and that I needed him. He insisted I needed to be alone. As he gathered his clothes, I told him to get all of his stuff before he left. He did so and left.
<<
*So when he finally had enough and wanted to leave you told him to go and take his stuff too? Can't he just want to leave and try to collect his thoughts?
>>
If he cared at all, would he have not tried to reconcile or to comfort me?
<<
*Last time he tried you told him to leave you alone. He might have thought you would say or do something else to upset or confuse him even more.
Please try not to take this reply as a personal attack. You said we need the whole story. Well I feel like I am missing a few pages here. I really hope you left some stuff out. I am trying to upset you, but I am totally confused as to how y'all made it past the sex part. I don't even understand what happened when you tried anal. Actually I don't understand most of what I highlighted above. I am willing to bet your BF is confused too. Yo asked if the break up was necessary, I say yes. I also say there are some other issues besides the sex ( although your behavior and timing during sex is probably a whole other chapter itself).
If you two wish to make it work you might wish to get some help. His comment about a doctor sounds like a good idea to at least get started.
Good luck
mb
Wow! I can't blame him for just leaving, because you were on an emotional rollercoaster, and he knew it was useless to try to talk at that point.
I think a BIG part of the problem is your "expectations", and your reactions when those expectations aren't met! You have just been sexually active for FIVE months...and you seem to think that without orgasms, it's just not worth it. That is SO wrong! Sex, with or without orgasms can be pure pleasure......but as long as you're all wound up about the missing orgasms, you'll never be able to experience that pleasure.
Focusing on orgasms is one sure way to NEVER have them. You already know that a LARGE majority of women don't have them from intercourse. You are probably in that majority...so why get so frustrated when you know it's probably not going to happen. What do you two do for foreplay? THAT is when most women have orgasms.....and then sometimes, if you're "started" you might even have them during intercourse. Clitoral stimulation is what will give you orgasms, and he needs to give you that BEFORE intercourse.....but even then, if you don't relax, and ALLOW them to happen, they won't!
Saying that you HATE sex, just because you don't have orgasms.....is sure not a way to make your b/f happy! You want too much too soon. As far as Anal sex is concerned.....again, if you're all worried about what will happen, you'll never enjoy that either. He knows, and everyone knows what's in there. If you feel it's too embarassing, then don't DO it! In a good relationship, NOTHING should be embarassing!
There is more going on here than just sexual problems though. In the middle of all the hysteria about orgasms, all of a sudden, you want to know about hobbies, and what he did for recreation with his other girlfriends? That's not something you should be talking about during sex! You do that OUT of the bedroom....and that goes for sexual frustrations, too. OUT of the bedroom, when you're both calm and relaxed. If you're unhappy with your social life, or what you two do together, that's something you need to talk about. Whatever he did with other g/f's....who cares? What he did in past relationships has NOTHING to do with your relationship. What do YOU like to do.....and have you suggested things to him.....or asked him what HE likes to do?
Who knows whether or not he will come back, or you can fix things....but you need to know, with him, or any other relationship, you need to learn to TALK.......communicate! Pushing him off you because you're frustrated will NOT fix anything. You need to start by learning about your own body.....and what it takes to have orgasms. Check out www.the-clitoris.com Practice on yourself. Then when you know, you can teach him, or the next partner. But understand that your orgasms are up to YOU, not your partner. As long as they're doing what they can to help you, then you can't ask for anything more. Learn to relax, and enjoy sex, and not even THINK about orgasms. When you can do that, they might happen. Some women NEVER have them, but they can still enjoy all the other pleasures of sex. Orgasms do not make sex good.......but good sex can make orgasms happen.
Try not to have expectations....just enjoy what IS going on. IF he gives you another chance, then learn to talk to him OUT of the bedroom about what is bothering you.....and don't blame him because you're frustrated, unless of course he's doing nothing to help you. In that case, tell him what you need. Also understand that you're just a beginner, and it takes some women years to reach their full sexual potential.....and they also enjoy getting there! It also helps to have a knowledgeable lover......and experienced doesn't always mean they know what they're doing, either. Relax and learn to enjoy your relationship(s), and if you're not enjoying them, then start communicating..
He called me and ask if he could meet me. I told him only if we could talk. We did this afternoon! He said you know that I hate to talk and I said it is necessary and that things could not continue like this. When we were together, we both just let it all out. I understand that it bothers him that he can not please me, I assured him that it is not his fault. I have only orgasmed with him twice, and that is with me on top! He told me that he was very set in his ways, but he is willing to change. I assured him that I was not tryin to put all of this on him and I wanted to know what things I need to work on. He mentioned one thing that bothers him and I will fix that. He said that he would start trying to participate in more activites that interest me. We are going to work on it! I am going to stay with him tonight and try to make sex as great and pleasurable as I can.
Just a note in response to the other responses.... I did not try to talk to him about everything during sex. It was after and then he inquired, I told him and he wasn't responsive and I told him that we don't communicate in our relationship, that is what led to everything else.
I am very new to the sex. I want to experience things that I haven't. I have been I assume somewhat negative from the beginning, b/c he has a Very small penis. Thanks to you all, I have gotten past that and moved on to another brick wall. This to shall pass!
Thanks!
>>I have been I assume somewhat negative from the beginning, b/c he has a Very small penis. <<
You're still blaming him for problems that you are having.
How do you know that a larger penis will halp you have better sex? How do you know that it is small? You might be interested to know that my partner had an enormous orgasm during foreplay last night from nothing but my little finger - Yes, a bigger one might feel nicer but I fail to see how a small penis would prevent you having orgasms.
I think that you still don't realise that you don't know everything about sex and are jumping to conclusions.
Edited 8/18/2005 6:33 pm ET ET by westridge2001
Ok, so you talked everything through, and now you're going to rush straight back into the bedroom and TRY to make everything as pleasurable as possible?
And now you mention that you have been negative about his small penis from the very beginning? How do you think you will find sex pleasurable if you have that in the back of your mind?
IMO I think you should be working through your own issues before jumping back into having sex with him again. Because if you don't, he will start to learn soon enough when you aren't enjoying yourself, even if you don't say anything. The frustration and disappointment will show on your face. And the thing is, if he feels more pressure to perform, it will probably just make matters worse on his part!
I do wish you the best of luck on this though, and I hope you get things sorted out for good :).
Janet
You have to stop blaming him for you not having orgasms or enjoying sex.
The size of his penis has nothing to do with whether or not you have orgasms, because you're probably not going to have them from intercourse anyway! If he's your first, how can you judge whether he's big enough or not big enough?
You are assuming many things, mostly erroneously. You really need to start learning about how your body works, and stop blaming him for your lack of knowledge ABOUT your body. He is not responsible for your orgasms, YOU are. He can "help" you with the right kind of oral and manual stimulation of your clitoris....but he can't help you if you don't know how to have orgasms, or how to allow them to happen. Some women take years to learn how, some never learn....but most women DO learn how to get pleasure from sex, even without orgasms.
>>
I have been I assume somewhat negative from the beginning, b/c he has a Very small penis.
<<
I knew I wasn't getting all the details. One thing to add about size. How do you know he is small for you? Since he was your first what do you compare his penis too?
Edited 8/19/2005 1:57 am ET ET by markb72
Pages