What constitutes “low libido”?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2007
What constitutes “low libido”?
5
Wed, 07-04-2007 - 4:51am

What constitutes “low libido”?

From my understanding, I believe it to be a condition catalyzed by medical, psychological, physiological and or stress related factors that lower ones sexual energy and drive.
From my lurking on the mismatched libidos board, it seems a few people have discussed being with SEVERAL low libido partners in the past….
Is that coincidental or is “low libido” possibly a wrong judgment on their part?
Could it be that, they, themselves are high libido or just people who characteristically show an abundance/imbalance of energy, emotion, passion and desire….that is not reciprocated?
Could the “low libido” title be a mask for other problems in a relationship? For example, unfaithfulness or unrequited love or affection.

What are your thoughts/experiences?

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Wed, 07-04-2007 - 7:45am

Interesting questions.

I think there are medical conditions and medications that cause low libido or no libido circumstances. In such a case, having been there, the person doesn't think about sex, or desire sex very often, if at all.

Since hormones that are released in your body also guide your libido, and considering that each person has differing hormone levels, they can play into a libido level. For example, what is considered high libido to some may be considered low libido to others based solely on their physical craving for sex.

Then there is the brain. Years of conditioning can affect this, as can self-esteem, age, experience, etc. Obviously, those that derive more pleasure from sex are going to think about sex more often. Unfortunately, those that have been taught that sex is bad in some way, or haven't had enjoyable sexual experiences (even perhaps have had abusive experiences), are going to have a lower libido because of how they think about sex. This can also spill over into personal aspects of any one relationship. If the attraction is over, or you have been hurt by your partner, or perhaps you have simply fallen out of love, then your libido may lower because you struggling with other issues.

In a nutshell, a low libido is a very individualized term, in general. Some people might be viewed as having a low libido for only wanting to have sex twice a week, others might be for only wanting to have sex twice a month. Moving anywhere past that, I would say the person definitely has a low libido that is probably the result of a medical problem. The lower libido only becomes a problem if there is a partner with a higher libido.



Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Connect With Me




Making a Second Marriage Work


my partner in the siggy exchange





iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2007
Wed, 07-04-2007 - 7:51pm
It just surprised me that someone stated they had several low libido partners in the past, and I thought, hmmm….how unlucky can one be. It brought me to question that perhaps this is a convenient label that people easily use to excuse and or mask other unrelated factors. Is it shifting the blame?
Could it be more to do with their own high sexual drive or unrequited love, mismatched affection, infidelity/unfaithfulness…..
I don’t question that is a valid condition, but I do think that sometimes it is wrongly assessed.
Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2006
Wed, 07-04-2007 - 7:59pm
I think the repeat LL partner thing might have more to do with what attracts someone to a potential partner in the first place, versus how they are to live with in a long term relationship. A woman is impressed by a guy who's a "gentleman", by the fact that he doesn't pressure her to have sex.... because it turns out that he's not all that interested in sex in the first place. A man is impressed by a woman who's a "nice girl"... and only later discovers that she really has no idea how to leave the lady outside the bedroom door and channel her inner slut.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Thu, 07-05-2007 - 9:31am

I don't think our high sex drive will lead us to having multiple lower libido partners. I think in most relationships, there is a higher and lower libido partner, it's just to what extremes are tolerable. One partner may desire sex 5 times a week, while the other is happy with 1 time a week. Most often in a healthy relationship, the couple comes to a compromise that works for them. For instance, currently I am the HL partner in my relationship. While my DH could be considered as having a LL in comparison, he would by no means be termed as having a LL by a doctor.

I think Steve hit on something important when saying in part, it could be the type of person one is attracted to. Think about in terms of women who are in abusive relationships. Statistically, they have repeated abusive relationships. The warning signs that the relationship will become abusive are often very visible, but overlooked. Perhaps she wants to "save" him, or it feels good to be his "crutch". Whatever the reason, something about that behavior initially feeds her and eventually overpowers her.

A selfish lover may also find him/herself in repeated relationships where it appears the other partner has a lower libido. As in any relationship, sex usually slows down after the initial newness wears off. If you're sharing your bed with a selfish lover, and you aren't being satisfied, then your libido is likely to lower more quickly and perhaps much lower. The selfish lover may be a male that doesn't take her needs into consideration, or it may be the female that wants to lay there and have him do all the work.

In my life, anytime the same bad thing happens repeatedly, I start looking for the cause. It's rarely happenstance.



Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Connect With Me




Making a Second Marriage Work


my partner in the siggy exchange





iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Thu, 07-05-2007 - 11:03am

"I don’t question that is a valid condition, but I do think that sometimes it is wrongly assessed."

Low libido as generally used over at the Mismatch Libido boards is a relative term. Basically it just means one partner wants sex a good bit less often than the other partner. One may want it every day of the week where the partner wants it twice a week or the one partner wants it twice a week and other wants it once a month or less.

The libibos can reverse back and forth between partners over a long term relationship. A man might become low due to illness or a woman higher after menopause. Hopefully over the lifetime of a relationship, the couple can find ways to work with differences so both are generally overall happy in the relationship.

"It just surprised me that someone stated they had several low libido partners in the past, and I thought, hmmm….how unlucky can one be. It brought me to question that perhaps this is a convenient label that people easily use to excuse and or mask other unrelated factors. Is it shifting the blame?"

The label has nothing to do with blame per say. There can be a factors or combination of factors as to why each partner has a lower libido. The averages say couples have sex twice a week. Maybe this person has a higher than average libido and all the partners they're with have average libidos. Maybe in that case, they might need to reevaluate what they are looking for in a relationship. Or as Steve pointed out, it might be the type of person they continually look to date. The person might only have an average sex drive of twice a week but the type of person he/she seeks for specific qualities might also included factors where the partner doesn't see sex as important in a relationship or looks at it in a negative light.

Also, both parties always have some part of the blame in this issue. Read the Sex Starved Marriage book and you can see there are things that the HL partner can need to change. It's not just all LLs having to make changes for a relationship to work.

One thing I notice the most is that lots of people ignore what they see in their partners because they are in love. They see their partner desire is defintely a good bit lower than theirs but they expect changes to take place because their partner loves them or that they themselves can make a change and live with a lot less sex. In the end, they tend to find out that their partner can't change because that is who they are and that they can't change because that is who they are. Sex is the number two reason right between money for divorce but so many folks ignore the upfront sex issues because it's just sex.