What to do....
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| Mon, 07-14-2008 - 2:33pm |
I am happily married for 8+ years and we have a beautiful daughter. We had a great sex life when we started dating, 11 years ago. We got caught by her dad one day, right before we were engaged, and ever since then, our sex life has been almost null & void. The frequency was acceptable (2-4 times a mon) but over the past 4-5 years, it has slowed to once every 3-6 months.
I don't have any issues (medical) that are in the way. Her self esteem is not that great (few extra pounds) but it doesn't bother me (never has). Hell, I could lose a few extra myself. But I can't get her to believe that. when we do have sex, it is routine. Missionary, maybe WOT. Throw in a little oral from me to start and there is our sexlife. She seems to really enjoy it but never seems to be "in the mood".
I bought a toy for her birthday a few months ago. It has passed in conversation before, but never really agreed to bring one aboard. So I just went out and bought one. We were childless the night of her birthday. That night was AWESOME!!! one of the best we've ever had. It wasn't our norm, positioning or result.

How old are you both? Does she have any medical conditions? Is she on birth control pills? It also sounds like something psychologically happened to her
I'm 32, she is 29. She used to be on BC pills, but not anymore. We practice abstinence now :( We've talked about the night we got caught. But it is a running joke now. Doesn't seem to be "the reason". I think it has more to do with how she feels about herself. She thinks she's fat, ugly, etc... I tell her that I like the way she looks, but "I am just saying that". Don't get me wrong. I would love for her to lose some weight. But more for her self esteem, then for my benefit. If she looses weight and increases her libido from it, I WIN.
I'm going to see if I can work the babysitter one night. Wither of our parents will can can babysit. Yeah, I need to try this road.
You need to sit her down and have a TALK with her.
Sakura: Thanks for the kinds words... but I'll be the first to say, I'm no saint. We've had our issues, mostly $$ and I wasn't always 100% honest about our $$ situation with her, so that didn't help matters. but we have recovered and have moved on. But I also do things that most men probably never think of, just to make her feel special. And I am always thinking of things to do for her/us to get things moving. They either never work, or never happen.
Those with young kids know that sometimes you have to go at it when you get the chance. For us, it seems like the planets have to be in alignment, during a full moon, only on a weekend night, on the second tuesday of the week.
I know she is tired from being at home with our daughter all day, but I work all day to and I try not to let my day get in the way.
Right now, its like we are roommates, not husband / wife.
We grocery shop together. But I do ALL of the cooking. We don't eat bad, but it could be better. We just got back from vacation and said we are starting a diet. Hasn't happened yet.
I've told her numerous times before that I will do whatever she needs me to to help her. She doesn't have the motivation. If she doesn't want to lose weight, then it won't happen. She has to be motivated to do it. But I understand what you are saying.
I would love to get into a evening walking routine. with a 2 1/2 year old, its easier said then done. We'll do it for 2 nights, then something happens where we can't, then we never get back into it.
Welcome to the board, budd08.
You've gotten a lot of great suggestions here, and I would definitely suggest you check out the Mismatched Libidos board. You're definitely not alone in your struggles.
I know when my kids were younger and we had more stresses in our life with finances, I became depressed. I didn't realize there was anything wrong for the longest time, and certainly didn't realize my libido was suffering (although it was). The first anti-depressant I was put on killed my libido even more. Once my medication was changed, my libido did start to come back .... and with big changes to our living conditions, it came back full force. I wasn't as stressed out, didn't have the same financial concerns, and my kids were becoming more independent, so it all fed together. It wasn't until that time that I really realized how lost my libido had been.
If she is on any types of medication or hormonal BC, then her libido could definitely be affected by that. Whether she is or isn't, you might also want to suggest that she mention to her doctor that her libido has disappeared.
Another thing that has made a big difference in things for us had to do with me talking bad about myself. Doing things like putting myself down, or not taking DHs compliments seriously. During a conversation one day, DH explained that doing those sorts of things made him feel that I didn't take him seriously. That he didn't say those things "just to say them". I agreed that I would stop being negative about "me" when I was around him, and if he offered a compliment, the worst I could say was "thank you". It's made a big difference! I'm not thinking nearly as negatively about myself, and he gets to feel giddy and good about my reaction to what he says. While you're saying/doing the right things (from what I read in your posts), she's not hearing you or noticing because of her own opinion of herself. See if you can find a way to break that cycle, and see if it helps.