What to do....

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2008
What to do....
8
Mon, 07-14-2008 - 2:33pm

I am happily married for 8+ years and we have a beautiful daughter. We had a great sex life when we started dating, 11 years ago. We got caught by her dad one day, right before we were engaged, and ever since then, our sex life has been almost null & void. The frequency was acceptable (2-4 times a mon) but over the past 4-5 years, it has slowed to once every 3-6 months.


I don't have any issues (medical) that are in the way. Her self esteem is not that great (few extra pounds) but it doesn't bother me (never has). Hell, I could lose a few extra myself. But I can't get her to believe that. when we do have sex, it is routine. Missionary, maybe WOT. Throw in a little oral from me to start and there is our sexlife. She seems to really enjoy it but never seems to be "in the mood".


I bought a toy for her birthday a few months ago. It has passed in conversation before, but never really agreed to bring one aboard. So I just went out and bought one. We were childless the night of her birthday. That night was AWESOME!!! one of the best we've ever had. It wasn't our norm, positioning or result.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2006
In reply to: budd08
Mon, 07-14-2008 - 2:43pm

How old are you both? Does she have any medical conditions? Is she on birth control pills? It also sounds like something psychologically happened to her



28999825.jpg picture by nhgal2006

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2008
In reply to: budd08
Mon, 07-14-2008 - 2:52pm

I'm 32, she is 29. She used to be on BC pills, but not anymore. We practice abstinence now :( We've talked about the night we got caught. But it is a running joke now. Doesn't seem to be "the reason". I think it has more to do with how she feels about herself. She thinks she's fat, ugly, etc... I tell her that I like the way she looks, but "I am just saying that". Don't get me wrong. I would love for her to lose some weight. But more for her self esteem, then for my benefit. If she looses weight and increases her libido from it, I WIN.


I'm going to see if I can work the babysitter one night. Wither of our parents will can can babysit. Yeah, I need to try this road.


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
In reply to: budd08
Mon, 07-14-2008 - 2:54pm

You need to sit her down and have a TALK with her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2008
In reply to: budd08
Mon, 07-14-2008 - 3:14pm

Sakura: Thanks for the kinds words... but I'll be the first to say, I'm no saint. We've had our issues, mostly $$ and I wasn't always 100% honest about our $$ situation with her, so that didn't help matters. but we have recovered and have moved on. But I also do things that most men probably never think of, just to make her feel special. And I am always thinking of things to do for her/us to get things moving. They either never work, or never happen.


Those with young kids know that sometimes you have to go at it when you get the chance. For us, it seems like the planets have to be in alignment, during a full moon, only on a weekend night, on the second tuesday of the week.


I know she is tired from being at home with our daughter all day, but I work all day to and I try not to let my day get in the way.


Right now, its like we are roommates, not husband / wife.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2006
In reply to: budd08
Mon, 07-14-2008 - 3:23pm
How about walking nightly after dinner, put the baby in the stroller and off you three go? Do some sort of exercising together, eat better. She doesn't feel good about herself, so try to help her. You said you could stand to lose a little too. So it's a win-win situation. Who does the cooking, and grocery shopping? Suggest more fruits/veggies instead of junk foods. Just a few ideas.

thirstythursdaygirlblaciq3-1.gif picture by nhgal2006




28999825.jpg picture by nhgal2006

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2008
In reply to: budd08
Mon, 07-14-2008 - 3:32pm

We grocery shop together. But I do ALL of the cooking. We don't eat bad, but it could be better. We just got back from vacation and said we are starting a diet. Hasn't happened yet.


I've told her numerous times before that I will do whatever she needs me to to help her. She doesn't have the motivation. If she doesn't want to lose weight, then it won't happen. She has to be motivated to do it. But I understand what you are saying.


I would love to get into a evening walking routine. with a 2 1/2 year old, its easier said then done. We'll do it for 2 nights, then something happens where we can't, then we never get back into it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2006
In reply to: budd08
Mon, 07-14-2008 - 3:39pm
You need to go check out the Mismatched Libidos board. You're far from alone in your situation. I'm also in a ML marriage, although over time (and I'm talking years here, not a quick fix) and with communication, patience and understanding, DW and I have been able to work on our mismatch to the point where we're now both relatively happy with the frequency and much happier with the quality of our sex lives.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
In reply to: budd08
Tue, 07-15-2008 - 6:31am

Welcome to the board, budd08.

You've gotten a lot of great suggestions here, and I would definitely suggest you check out the Mismatched Libidos board. You're definitely not alone in your struggles.

I know when my kids were younger and we had more stresses in our life with finances, I became depressed. I didn't realize there was anything wrong for the longest time, and certainly didn't realize my libido was suffering (although it was). The first anti-depressant I was put on killed my libido even more. Once my medication was changed, my libido did start to come back .... and with big changes to our living conditions, it came back full force. I wasn't as stressed out, didn't have the same financial concerns, and my kids were becoming more independent, so it all fed together. It wasn't until that time that I really realized how lost my libido had been.

If she is on any types of medication or hormonal BC, then her libido could definitely be affected by that. Whether she is or isn't, you might also want to suggest that she mention to her doctor that her libido has disappeared.

Another thing that has made a big difference in things for us had to do with me talking bad about myself. Doing things like putting myself down, or not taking DHs compliments seriously. During a conversation one day, DH explained that doing those sorts of things made him feel that I didn't take him seriously. That he didn't say those things "just to say them". I agreed that I would stop being negative about "me" when I was around him, and if he offered a compliment, the worst I could say was "thank you". It's made a big difference! I'm not thinking nearly as negatively about myself, and he gets to feel giddy and good about my reaction to what he says. While you're saying/doing the right things (from what I read in your posts), she's not hearing you or noticing because of her own opinion of herself. See if you can find a way to break that cycle, and see if it helps.