What do you think of this?

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
What do you think of this?
24
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 10:25am
I just got off the phone with a friend of mine who was pretty upset. Heres why----Lastnight her and her DH were fooling around on their sofa one thing led to another and they ended up in the bedroom and she gave him oral sex. He had an orgasm and when she got up to use the bathroom he stayed in bed. She went back to the bedroom and he told her it was great thanks so much then he kissed her and said goodnight and that he loves her. He then rolled over and went to sleep.

She was shocked that he didnt "do her" back and that what he said to her kind of made her feel cheap and sort of used. She ended up watching tv for a while and went to sleep. She said that she was really upset because he has never done anything like this in the past and she doesnt know why he was being so inconsiderate of her feelings and needs. She hasnt yet spoken to him about it as he leaves for work very early(before she gets up).

I really didnt know what to say to her, I mean I do think he should have done the same for her (as she said he usually does). I guess if I were in her situation I would be hurt that his needs were satisfied and mine were completely overlooked and not cared about.

What do you think of this? What should I say to her? We have a lunch date today and I know she will bring this up. We talk about everything, we are very close and I dont want to make it worse for her by saying the wrong things.

Thanks in advance, Toots

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 11:56am
I think you are all right about letting it go as far as the sex was concerned and as for him hurting her feelings about how he spoke to her afterward they should talk about it. Jeephead what you said in your last post about by him giving and her having to give back everytime that she would get tired of it real quick, I dont feel that way. DH gives to me, I give back or vice-versa not because either of us feel we have to, but because we want to. Sometimes its everyday sometimes twice a day, once a week or whatever. Ive never felt that either of us should have to do anything simply because it was done for us, in fact it makes me want to give even more when Dh gives to me so that he knows how much I care about making him happy too.

I think thats another reason why my friend is so upset not because he didnt give back to her but because maybe he didnt want to. I think id be upset too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 12:02pm
OK, as soon as my DH rolled over I would have rolled him back LOL. If he wanted it to be just about him, I would have accepted it and would know that my turn would come soon. I think she is making a mountain out of a mole hill. She should have said something as soon as he rolled over. The squeaky wheel gets the grease. If she wanted an orgasm as well, she shouldn't have decided to silently pout about it. That was her choice. I see nothing wrong with her husband's behavior.

Leticia

Avatar for luvmylittleones
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 12:09pm
But maybe there is more to it than him just not wanting to give back to her...she is making an assumption. My dh goes to work early I feel bad for him because he gets up before 5 am and commute downtown. I chose to work out at night at least four days a week so by the time we can have any time alone it is late (at least 11 pm, not that late to me but I can sleep in till 7 or 8) and sometimes he just needs to sleep. Yes occasionally I am upset or disapointed (which is perhaps irrational ?, I don't say anything and I try not to act that way) that he couldn't stay up but I know it is not because he doesn't want to be with me, it is because he is tired and he has to get up before 5am.

I am not saying she doesn't have a right to be upset because people can feel however they want to what I am saying is I don't think it is worth bringing up because one, it is more than likely not that he didn't want to please her it could just be because he was tired or something else completely not related to her, two, it sounds like she did not clearly communicate she wanted it to be her turn, three, there is another issue that could be clouding her judgement (the thank you) and causing her to feel angry therefore she could just be displacing her anger to his non reciprocation, and four, this is not a regularly occuring issue.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 12:10pm
>>She went back to the bedroom and he told her it was great thanks so much then he kissed her and said goodnight and that he loves her.<<

>>as for him hurting her feelings about how he spoke to her afterward they should talk about it.<<

What? He THANKED her, KISSED her, and told her HE LOVED HER. What more does she want? How about she apologize to him for being so immature? Geez, he showed alot of appreciation for what she did, and she's getting bent because SHE ddin't speak up.

Leticia

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 12:24pm
Well its like I said in a previous post-- She says-- Its not what he said,but how he said it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 12:28pm
>>Well its like I said in a previous post-- She says-- Its not what he said,but how he said it.<<

No, I don't think so. it sounds like it's not what he said, but how *she* took it. I'm trying to imagine how what he said could possibly be said in a negative way.

Leticia

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 12:35pm
I dont know how she could have taken it the wrong way or if it came out wrong on his part. Initially she put it to me as though they were getting pretty hot on the sofa and both wanted sex. They both went into the bedroom and well you know the rest. Perhaps he was sarcastic. I really dont know. I have to meet her for lunch in about half an hour so im sure ill find out the whole story then. Ill post back later.

Toots

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 12:59pm
Because you don't expect it. If he were to not return the favor one day, you wouldn't go crying to your best friend over it, you would accept that he didn't feel like doing it at that time, and carry on. I am the same way. I do whole heartedly agreew ith you, and you seem to have all the right things to say to her. Mostly, just get over it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 1:01pm
I completely agree with you and jeep. It's not about tit for tat (hee!). Sometimes my hubby might be in the mood and I'm not so I will give him a nice BJ and we cuddle up and go to sleep. It would only be a problem if it kept happening over and over again. I would tell the friend to lighten up. It's nice to just give to someone you love, isn't it?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 1:04pm
Ever heard the saying it is better to give than to recieve? I like to think that if the world worked more this way, we would all be a lot happier. Reality doesn't allow for that attitude all the time, but when we are with our partners, IT SHOULD ALWAYS HOLD TRUE. They are the ones we love bfore all others, right? Well then, it should be a priority.