what does this mean?? if anything....

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2006
what does this mean?? if anything....
6
Fri, 08-11-2006 - 3:37pm
Sorry this is a bit lengthy. Although I am 42, I don't have a lot of experience with men. (been stuck in a sexless marriage for way too long.) Anyway, I have just started a friends w/benefits relationship with someone. We've only met up twice and haven't taken it all the way yet. My question is, we've done some pretty heavy petting & touching, where I have been very aroused and I thought he felt the same, except both times I've touched him, he is completely soft. I had thought that if a man is aroused, there should be somewhat of an erection. And since, he is the one who started or pursued this arrangement he should be getting enjoyment from it too. So I'm left thinking, is it me? or is this normal for some? He is only 35 so I wouldn't think it was a medical condition.
Any answers would be helpful...THanks
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Fri, 08-11-2006 - 4:03pm

Are you STILL in that marriage? If so, he's probably nervous about having an affair with a married woman! Or he's just plain nervous.....as many men are the first few times with a new woman.

Or maybe he's got a problem.....and hasn't told you!

And if you're still in that marriage.....why? If you're unhappy enough about it to have an affair.....then why not just end it? Or try to fix it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2006
Fri, 08-11-2006 - 4:16pm
Actually, I've been separated for 3 years and he has been separated from his wife for 6 mos. I don't understand what that has to do with the erection question though.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Fri, 08-11-2006 - 4:49pm
It could be he's nervous (it's not unusual for this to happen), it could be he needs more emotional attachment when being sexual, it could be a medical condition, it could be psychological.

bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2004
Fri, 08-11-2006 - 5:35pm
I`m guessing here, but it is probably a combination of nerves, (guilt) or maybe he is a guy who needs DIRECT stimulation to get an erection.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2005
Sat, 08-12-2006 - 2:45am

In all honesty I do not think it is a medical condition. The first question that I have for you to think about, how well do you really know him? Is he married or in a serious relationship with someone else? If you probe a bit deeper that may be the reason.

Another question to think about, the two times that you have been together what happened right before the two of you started to get imtimate? Also where were you?

With very little information it is difficult to give ideas that help. I would try to find out more about his life outside of the relationship. Also look at the things like where you are at (e.g. outside, your place, his place etc), what happens right before, and for other clues. If you can start to modify some things like location and maybe creating more of a mood then it might solve your dilemma. Anyhow the more you know the better you will be able to help him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2006
Sat, 08-12-2006 - 11:53am
Thanks for everyone's insight. Now I am thinking it may be a combination of nerves and guilt. He has only been separated for 6 mos. (I have known him for 6 years) I of course had immediately internalized the problem and thought it was me or my lack of experience. I will want to talk to him and make sure this arrangement is something he really wants or can be comfortable with before we go any further.