what does this mean??

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2004
what does this mean??
37
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 9:00am
Hi, I'm in a fairly new relationship and have a question. We've only been dating for about 2 months, and kinda taking things slow which I think is good. Last week, on our last date, I stayed over and we did everything (oral) but didn't have sex. So I'm wondering why it stopped there, cause he didn't initiate anything after that. We cuddled up and fell asleep. The date itself was great and we spent the next day together as well. So I guess I'm just confused. Do men feel intercourse is much more intimate than oral and perhaps he still wants to wait for that final step? I guess I thought that oral usually led to sex, but maybe it's different for everyone.

thanks in advance!

nikki
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2004
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 12:21pm
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-My personal view on the issue of barrier methods and oral sex: I don't use them. I don't switch partners that often so it is not like I'm playing roulette a lot. I just don't get any pleasure at all out of recieving oral sex when wearing a condom, it just doesn't feel like anything really. I'd rather not get it. I have never given oral with a dental dam before, but I can't imagine that would be any fun fo me either. If oral seems like a chore to me I wouldn't do it. I engage in it because I like to. I think that the risk of aquiring an STD, especially a dangerous one, during oral is small enough that I'm prepared to accept it. Just because it is POSSIBLE to transmit an infection that way does not mean that the risk is significant. I suppose people that have a lot of partners or whose partners have been around the block a few dozen times might evaluate the risk differently. How do other people feel about this?

I want to tell the OP that I sympathize with her predicament. I'm a bit shy sometimes myself and everyone treads lightly during the early stages of a relationship. This guy is probably thinking about BC and STDs and maybe he wants to slow the pace down a bit. You should bring it up, don't wait for him, I'm sure he won't be offended and will probably be relieved to open up communication a bit more. It is easy for older posters in LTRs to scold endlessly about having perfect communication all the time, but you should relax and be pragmatic and feel the situation out for yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2004
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 12:52pm
Oh, I agree, that communication isn't always easy or even necessary. Obviously, they discussed some things because they both haven't been with anyone in a year. However, only she mentioned about being tested. With STD's and BC aside, many people are shy about sex in the beginning, and that's very normal. Which is why I wondered why she didn't just attempt to reciprocate(because he may not have felt comfortable asking). If the next time he still doesn't want intercourse(even with a condom), then she can approach it too in a delicate manner. "Is there a specific reason why you're avoiding intercourse? Is it fear of pregnancy? If so, I understand." It would be less awkward to approach it that way, then if she attempts to mount him, and he subsequently pushes her off.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2004
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 12:55pm
phatgenes,

Thank you for your post.....

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I agree with you on this. So early into a relationship, it's hard to feel comfortable about talking about eachother's sexual past, although I know you do need to if you plan to be with that person. And I also think if you're going to be intimate with someone, you both have a right to know or ask that you're the only one they're being with. Maybe for my situation, and the fact that neither of us has been in a relationship in quite a while, that we're both unsure of how to start this whole conversation. Any suggestions for opening up the communication lines??

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2004
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 2:38pm
Question for ya Phat, do you think that the chances of transmitting an STD during oral is less than that of intercourse? Aren't you putting your partner and/or yourself at risk, whether giving or receiving oral sex, no more or less than if you were having intercourse? Even kissing is a risk today. Maybe it's even as risky as intercourse or oral sex.

You may know how many partners you've been with(possibly lowering your risk), but you would have to know how many partners your previous partners were with, and not only your current partner's history, and the history of those they had sex with. It's too difficult a process. It seems the only real safe way to have sex basically free of STD's is to each get tested with a minimum of six months between the last partner. Just because someone hadn't had sex with a partner for one year prior, doesn't mean they did not contract an STD. Many STD's lay dormant and symptom free. However, even if one doesn't, it seems extremely RISKY to not use any protection at all. I'm surprised that you would take that risk. That's beyond Russian Roulette if you ask me. Maybe more like four bullets in the chamber.

http://www.epigee.org/guide/stds.html

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 3:14pm

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bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 3:59pm
"Older posters in LTRS scold endlessly about having perfect communication...?"

No, I think you have the wrong perspective there, Phat. YOU may perceive it as scolding but I just offer the benefits of my own past mistakes and experience. It's still up to the respondant to accept the advice or not.

I just WISH that someone had emphasized to me how important communication is, right from the beginning of a relationship!

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 4:09pm
Double posting, sorry.


Edited 10/4/2004 4:11 pm ET ET by katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2004
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 4:59pm
are you against the pleasure of oral sex? or have you had a bad experience or do you not play at all? you're responses seem kind of harsh to me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2004
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 5:09pm
No, not at all. lol I was surprised by his response that's all, and following up with some added info.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 8:27pm
Not scolding about having perfect communication all the time -who has that even in a LTR???? I don't know that ANYONE here has ever made that claim - everything is perfect 100% of the time. If they do, they're not being very truthful, lol. **BUT** advice from someone who has weathered the beginnings and hard times in a relationshiop is valuable. They know of which they speak.

Plus, I don't know that anyone here says perfect communication all the time is even achievable. But we do encourage *comfort* in communicating. I just wish I'd been more at ease with communication years ago. It's a h*ll of a lot more important than the way to give a perfect BJ, how to do anal, or what position is best.