What does she really want?
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| Thu, 06-24-2004 - 4:24pm |
Since I've known my wife, she has always been insecure about herself. She's sexy and beautiful and men find her very attractive, yet she is simply incapable of graciously accepting a sincere compliment. For example, when I tell her how beautiful or sexy she is, she replys with a nervous laugh and insists that I need to get my eyes checked. She seldom attempts any physical contact outside the bedroom, except for occasionally offering me her cheek to kiss when I return home (I'm not kidding). She rarely lets her guard down in this respect and her apparent "coldness" has always bothered me. I'm a good-looking guy who exercises regularly and takes good care of myself, but she NEVER compliments me unless we're in the heat of passion. I find all these "defense mechanisms" of hers to be quite exasperating.
For the record, my wife and I make love an average of once or twice a week, but getting her to consent to the second time is usually quite a challenge. I want more, but I prefer quality to quantity (she's a fantastic lover once she's in the mood). None the less, I enjoy romancing my wife, from weekend getaways and flowers, to giving her long massages, whispering how much I love her, kissing her neck, breasts, ... and exploring her "nether regions" (I try hard to avoid the same old routine). Despite my efforts, I oftentimes get the standard response about how tired she is, or that it's too late, or too early, or she needs to unwind, or that I'm never satisfied, etc. By the way, I'd enjoy her spontaneously giving me long massages, telling me how sexy I am, and exploring my "nether regions" too!
I definitely spend a lot more time and effort pleasuring her than she does me. It almost seems as though her idea of being a thoughtful lover is squeezing me in after the conclusion of "Alias", or when she's done reading the paper at midnight.
Just to keep me wondering, she sometimes says "no" when she really means "yes", and "yes" when she really means "no". For instance, the other night she told me "please don't do that" as I was kissing her labia through her thong. A few minutes later she had her hands clasped behind my head (pressing her clit against my tongue) while she rocked her hips like a bronco-riding cowgirl. Afterwards she said "remind me never to let you do that to me again...".
Please tell me, how am I supposed to understand what she really wants?
I'm just wondering why "normal" women behave this way towards their adoring husbands?

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Just talk to her about it all. See what she says. Don't take vague answers. Tell her this has become a real problem for you. You want to feel free to make love to her, not her playing little head games with you.
Not much help, but that is what I would do.
Steph
Enjoy, good luck.
It's sad to day, but the only person who can tell you what the problem is, is your wife. We can't tell you that! We don't live in your house, and we have NO idea why she behaves this way. Maybe she was brought up to think that women who like sex are cheap and slutty. Maybe, as someone else suggested.....she wasn't taught how to be affectionate. Just from the fact that she can't accept a compliment, she must have low self-esteem. Maybe she was "put down" all her life by her family.
Have her read your post, and ask HER why this is happening! She probably has NO idea how frustrated you feel! Talk to her! Tell her how you feel! Ask her what you can do to help her be more open with her feelings. This has got to come from her, not from strangers.
My parents were like that, and it took me a long time to be able to accept a compliment.
Leticia
I, very much like her, would often NOT be the initiator when my children were young. After going for sometimes eighteeen hours(my kids usually awoke at 5am), sex was not exactly on the forefront of my brain. Many times if my husband approached me, I'd tell him upfront that I'm too exhausted to 'perform' but I had no problem if he wanted to help himself. I never refused him. After some foreplay, my body would respond and I'd get a second wind...perhaps this is what's happening with her. Not always though. Sometimes I'd literally lay there and let him give me orgasm after orgasm and then finish without lifting a hand(which I would give back when I was less tired). Other times, he'd just go for a quickie. In any event, exhaustion can kill libido and children can be physically and mentally exhausting. Our sex life changed slightly during those early years, but we adjusted accordingly.
In any event, you're feeling neglected. Your needs are not being met. It could all be related somehow, even down to the non-complimentary behavior. She could just be afraid that any attention she gives you will become sexual and then you'll want to have sex. Maybe sex is too drawn out for her right now. Maybe she WANTS more quickies(as evidenced from her bronco-bucking) both for her and for you. Unless she's always been this way, it may just be a temporary state. (And to whomever said that when the kids are grown it doesn't get better, is wrong! ;-) My girls are 19 and 15 and sex is the best its ever been. It has little to do with the fact that they are grown and are physically capable of taking care of themselves, it's more of a mental-release on my part.)
As the others have stated, it could be a self-esteem issue, particularly if she's exhausted and does not put her needs before everyone else's.
The best advice is to talk to her outside the bedroom, and tell her EXACTLY how you feel; and don't beat around the bush. Ask HER what she wants you to do to get your needs met, don't assume you're doing everything she wants. You could buy her a country, if it's not something she wants, it would be for naught. Good luck.
Edited 6/24/2004 10:22 pm ET ET by free_to_choose
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