What does she really want?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
What does she really want?
20
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 4:24pm
My wife of 15 years is a stay at home mom and I love her dearly. We have three young children and I understand that she needs time to "decompress" after a long day of being a mom. However, I work hard all day too and I still find plenty of time for her after helping clear the dishes and/or getting the children ready for bed.

Since I've known my wife, she has always been insecure about herself. She's sexy and beautiful and men find her very attractive, yet she is simply incapable of graciously accepting a sincere compliment. For example, when I tell her how beautiful or sexy she is, she replys with a nervous laugh and insists that I need to get my eyes checked. She seldom attempts any physical contact outside the bedroom, except for occasionally offering me her cheek to kiss when I return home (I'm not kidding). She rarely lets her guard down in this respect and her apparent "coldness" has always bothered me. I'm a good-looking guy who exercises regularly and takes good care of myself, but she NEVER compliments me unless we're in the heat of passion. I find all these "defense mechanisms" of hers to be quite exasperating.

For the record, my wife and I make love an average of once or twice a week, but getting her to consent to the second time is usually quite a challenge. I want more, but I prefer quality to quantity (she's a fantastic lover once she's in the mood). None the less, I enjoy romancing my wife, from weekend getaways and flowers, to giving her long massages, whispering how much I love her, kissing her neck, breasts, ... and exploring her "nether regions" (I try hard to avoid the same old routine). Despite my efforts, I oftentimes get the standard response about how tired she is, or that it's too late, or too early, or she needs to unwind, or that I'm never satisfied, etc. By the way, I'd enjoy her spontaneously giving me long massages, telling me how sexy I am, and exploring my "nether regions" too!

I definitely spend a lot more time and effort pleasuring her than she does me. It almost seems as though her idea of being a thoughtful lover is squeezing me in after the conclusion of "Alias", or when she's done reading the paper at midnight.

Just to keep me wondering, she sometimes says "no" when she really means "yes", and "yes" when she really means "no". For instance, the other night she told me "please don't do that" as I was kissing her labia through her thong. A few minutes later she had her hands clasped behind my head (pressing her clit against my tongue) while she rocked her hips like a bronco-riding cowgirl. Afterwards she said "remind me never to let you do that to me again...".

Please tell me, how am I supposed to understand what she really wants?

I'm just wondering why "normal" women behave this way towards their adoring husbands?

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 4:40pm
Gosh I have no idea. You sound very attentive to her needs in and out of the bedroom. Sounds like she has low self esteem for not being able to accept a compliment. Maybe she doesn't like her body. I love when my hubby compliments my body. I work hard at keeping in shape and dieting so when he compliments me, I LOVE it and respond with giant kisses all over his face! hee. Sounds like she puts you and your love life last. Kids, daily routine and even TV shows ahead of being with her man. Hmmmm ...

Just talk to her about it all. See what she says. Don't take vague answers. Tell her this has become a real problem for you. You want to feel free to make love to her, not her playing little head games with you.

Not much help, but that is what I would do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2003
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 4:48pm
You know what? Your wife sounds like me, and even I don't know the answer to this one. My husband is much like you. He is a wonderful father or two kids, works full time and comes home to help me with the house or dinner (I work 20 hrs/week so am home most of the time), he always compliments me even though I can't accept them either, he is very nice looking and works out regularly, and he always wants intimacy. He complains that I never initiate it. I also rarely want to do it when he initiates it. And again, I have NO FREAKING CLUE what is wrong with me. I love him to death, I am not attracted to anyone else, and I know this frustrates him. Yet I cannot seem to change myself. I've just recently (today as a matter of fact) started reading these boards to try and get some advice, perspective, education, on sex. I am 32, so you'd think I'd know by now. But I figure if I could at least read erotic posts, maybe I'd get in the mood ;-). At any rate, the only answer I have right now to my "problem", is that I am SO wrapped up in being "mommy" and "wife" that I just don't feel sexual anymore. I remember on our honeymoon, and before we had kids, that we had an awesome sex life. Spontaneous, kinky, emotional, fun. We made love at least 4 times per week. But now, when I think of being kinky with him, or spontaneous, I almost feel dirty! It's so weird. I cannot figure out what is wrong with me. However, I will sometimes fantasize about other men (nobody I know, just faceless men) and I will picture myself getting kinky with them, and it is okay. I only have orgasms in my sleep when I'm dreaming, when I am completely relaxed. I know this probably doesn't help you any, but I guess if anything I hope you know that it isn't because she is finding it elsewhere, or finds you unattractive. That is not what it is with me anyway. Hopefully somebody else can shed some light for both of us.

Steph
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 5:09pm
Not much help, but just a suggestion. Try reading some of the stories on the Fantasy Board. If those don't get you hot and aching for sex - nothing will! lol. They are pretty spicy!

Enjoy, good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2003
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 5:43pm
Hi, Ive read your post and one or two of the replies. Tina suggested the fantasy post good idea, it's hot and certainly can't hurt, encourage your wife to read it. Your wife sounds a lot like my wife except when the kids were small she had at least apart time job some of the time and full time job most of the time. This meant less time for us. Just the other day she looked at some old photos and commented how good she looked, this was a first for her as she has never thought off herself as being attractive, she still is and I still tell her that but she doesn't get it for some reason. I want to let everyone know one thing... it seems that for whatever reason the thinking that when the kids get older we'll return to more frequency and more fulfilling sex. It's bunk. I think if you don't use it you lose it. It is very hard to get back to where you were or even halfway there. You sound like many of the frustrated HL or ML's here who can't understand why if someone (your wife here) enjoys something so much they don't want to do it more often, and why if you are doing something they obviously enjoy, do they tell you to stop but later on admit they liked it. The last part I have no experience with as my DW is sure to tell me keep doing that and if I change positions or technique will direct me back to where we were. What I found works the most is communicating how you feel outside the bedroom. I have started this lately with good results. It only took me 15 years to figure this out, I guess I am a quick study. Keep reading here and let us know how this works out. One last thing I have to ask, was her family fairly cold to public displays of affection?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 6:27pm
Even though there is NO such thing as "normal" among human beings, especially when it comes to feelings, emotions and sexuality, I don't think your wife is really a "normal" or "typical" wife.

It's sad to day, but the only person who can tell you what the problem is, is your wife. We can't tell you that! We don't live in your house, and we have NO idea why she behaves this way. Maybe she was brought up to think that women who like sex are cheap and slutty. Maybe, as someone else suggested.....she wasn't taught how to be affectionate. Just from the fact that she can't accept a compliment, she must have low self-esteem. Maybe she was "put down" all her life by her family.

Have her read your post, and ask HER why this is happening! She probably has NO idea how frustrated you feel! Talk to her! Tell her how you feel! Ask her what you can do to help her be more open with her feelings. This has got to come from her, not from strangers.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 7:33pm
>>Just from the fact that she can't accept a compliment, she must have low self-esteem. Maybe she was "put down" all her life by her family.<<

My parents were like that, and it took me a long time to be able to accept a compliment.

Leticia

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2003
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 8:21pm
You mentioned that you have three children. Children can be exhausting. Not only physically, but mentally. Many people overlook this small fact. It's MENTALLY exhausting to have to not only take care of a child, but to have to constantly be aware of them. I'm not excusing her behavior, but twice a week seems normal to me if she's tired and stressed.

I, very much like her, would often NOT be the initiator when my children were young. After going for sometimes eighteeen hours(my kids usually awoke at 5am), sex was not exactly on the forefront of my brain. Many times if my husband approached me, I'd tell him upfront that I'm too exhausted to 'perform' but I had no problem if he wanted to help himself. I never refused him. After some foreplay, my body would respond and I'd get a second wind...perhaps this is what's happening with her. Not always though. Sometimes I'd literally lay there and let him give me orgasm after orgasm and then finish without lifting a hand(which I would give back when I was less tired). Other times, he'd just go for a quickie. In any event, exhaustion can kill libido and children can be physically and mentally exhausting. Our sex life changed slightly during those early years, but we adjusted accordingly.

In any event, you're feeling neglected. Your needs are not being met. It could all be related somehow, even down to the non-complimentary behavior. She could just be afraid that any attention she gives you will become sexual and then you'll want to have sex. Maybe sex is too drawn out for her right now. Maybe she WANTS more quickies(as evidenced from her bronco-bucking) both for her and for you. Unless she's always been this way, it may just be a temporary state. (And to whomever said that when the kids are grown it doesn't get better, is wrong! ;-) My girls are 19 and 15 and sex is the best its ever been. It has little to do with the fact that they are grown and are physically capable of taking care of themselves, it's more of a mental-release on my part.)

As the others have stated, it could be a self-esteem issue, particularly if she's exhausted and does not put her needs before everyone else's.

The best advice is to talk to her outside the bedroom, and tell her EXACTLY how you feel; and don't beat around the bush. Ask HER what she wants you to do to get your needs met, don't assume you're doing everything she wants. You could buy her a country, if it's not something she wants, it would be for naught. Good luck.




Edited 6/24/2004 10:22 pm ET ET by free_to_choose

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2004
Fri, 06-25-2004 - 10:29am
From the way I see it you have three options. Talk to her about it, seek professional help, or back off. I don't mean to sound harsh when I say back off. I have been in your wifes position. And like her I have self esteem issues. I don't know what the problem is, but when my normally affectionate and attentive fiance withdraws, I go after him. Call it need for approval or fear of losing him, but when he seems distant, I feel the need to show my love more than at any other time.
Avatar for luvmylittleones
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 06-25-2004 - 2:00pm
In all honesty I think you should tell her what you wrote here. Pick a good time like when the kids are sleeping or schedule a date night and go somewhere you can both just talk. I have four kids five and under and I still have a high sex drive. Yes having kids is a bit exhausting especially when you are outnumbered but it sounds like there are underlying issues that need to be addressed by your wife. She needs to hear this is a problem and she needs to find out what is going on in her own head. I think something is causing your wife to act like this, whether it is something that has happened in the past to her or simply a low self esteem it is something that she needs to figure out and work through.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Fri, 06-25-2004 - 2:35pm
Women get stressed out too, just as men do. If you were a woman, the advice would probably be that he's stressed from working so hard, so be compassionate. Each of us are individuals, and what one person can endure, another one can't. What one is physically(hormonally) capable of, another isn't. Don't assume that she WANTS to feel this way, or she's doing it for of some spiteful, selfish, reason. If a man was working endless hours at his away from home job(and couldn't cut down), we'd be telling his wife to be more understanding and to count her lucky stars that she's getting it twice a week, even if she has to convince him the second time around.

Pages