What does she really want?
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| Thu, 06-24-2004 - 4:24pm |
Since I've known my wife, she has always been insecure about herself. She's sexy and beautiful and men find her very attractive, yet she is simply incapable of graciously accepting a sincere compliment. For example, when I tell her how beautiful or sexy she is, she replys with a nervous laugh and insists that I need to get my eyes checked. She seldom attempts any physical contact outside the bedroom, except for occasionally offering me her cheek to kiss when I return home (I'm not kidding). She rarely lets her guard down in this respect and her apparent "coldness" has always bothered me. I'm a good-looking guy who exercises regularly and takes good care of myself, but she NEVER compliments me unless we're in the heat of passion. I find all these "defense mechanisms" of hers to be quite exasperating.
For the record, my wife and I make love an average of once or twice a week, but getting her to consent to the second time is usually quite a challenge. I want more, but I prefer quality to quantity (she's a fantastic lover once she's in the mood). None the less, I enjoy romancing my wife, from weekend getaways and flowers, to giving her long massages, whispering how much I love her, kissing her neck, breasts, ... and exploring her "nether regions" (I try hard to avoid the same old routine). Despite my efforts, I oftentimes get the standard response about how tired she is, or that it's too late, or too early, or she needs to unwind, or that I'm never satisfied, etc. By the way, I'd enjoy her spontaneously giving me long massages, telling me how sexy I am, and exploring my "nether regions" too!
I definitely spend a lot more time and effort pleasuring her than she does me. It almost seems as though her idea of being a thoughtful lover is squeezing me in after the conclusion of "Alias", or when she's done reading the paper at midnight.
Just to keep me wondering, she sometimes says "no" when she really means "yes", and "yes" when she really means "no". For instance, the other night she told me "please don't do that" as I was kissing her labia through her thong. A few minutes later she had her hands clasped behind my head (pressing her clit against my tongue) while she rocked her hips like a bronco-riding cowgirl. Afterwards she said "remind me never to let you do that to me again...".
Please tell me, how am I supposed to understand what she really wants?
I'm just wondering why "normal" women behave this way towards their adoring husbands?

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Robin
Edited 6/26/2004 3:55 pm ET ET by no_way_p
I never said that I LET HIM DO ALL THE WORK OF SEX "all of the time." What I said was that MY LIBIDO was not normal, and SOMETIMES, I was just too tired and stressed to initiate, and yes, to move an inch. I guess I could have told him "no" or to go and masturbate, but I didn't. We were together for seven years before we had our first child... and he knew me well enough by that time to understand that THIS WAS NOT MY NORM. He knew that I WASN'T FAKING being tired or stressed out. Luckily for me, I had a DH who adjusted as well and who was understanding and compassionate for that short period in our lives. Our sex life has always been important, but it certainly isn't THE MOST important thing.
AND yes, he's been repaid plenty when he has some of his own stressful/tired bouts, and reaps the benefits of me doing all of the work(including full-body massages). But, afterall, that's what marriage is about, give and take, and accepting that sometimes the balance may tip more to one side. I don't keep score--we just adjust when one of us needs more. Even if there isn't any stress/tiredness present, we STILL and always WILL love just adorning the other with an "I'll-do-you-tonight-without-any-reciprocation-just-because-I-know-you-love-it" night. In fact, we both look forward to them. Some of my best orgasms are when I just lay there being serviced...and I apologize to no one for loving them. They're a part of our sexual repertoire.
Leticia
I showed my wife the post (and responses) and we've been talking it over for the past few days. She concurred with most of what I described, except she thought I made it sound like she rejected me after I "romanced" her... which has never happened (she either falls asleep downstairs or thwarts my advances). As I said, she's a fantastic lover once she's in the mood.
Although I had already mentioned everything to her separately, she really didn't understand how much it all bothered me until she read my post. She's not sure what the cause of her "apparent coldness" is, but thinks it may be a combination of things including physical exhaustion, the way she perceives her body after 3 children and her inherent insecurity. She feels her lack of energy and inhibitions are effecting her mood, her ability to accept a compliment and her sex drive.
She also mentioned that I don't help matters when I'm "dogmatic" or when I drive too fast with the family in the car (I think she was reaching a bit on these points, but it does seem to bother her).
It was helpful for us to get these issues out in the open, and we agreed to work them out together. We often go for days without talking about much more than kids, work, bills, household chores, etc. My wife suggested once a week "dates" (dinner, movie, etc. without the kids) to talk, reconnect and rediscover our relationship. I think that's a great idea and I appreciate her effort.
Neither of us is expecting a quick fix, but we're both willing to look for the middle ground in our relationship (now that we both have a better idea where the middle ground is).
Thanks again for all the helpful advice.
Good luck!
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