What does she really want?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
What does she really want?
20
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 4:24pm
My wife of 15 years is a stay at home mom and I love her dearly. We have three young children and I understand that she needs time to "decompress" after a long day of being a mom. However, I work hard all day too and I still find plenty of time for her after helping clear the dishes and/or getting the children ready for bed.

Since I've known my wife, she has always been insecure about herself. She's sexy and beautiful and men find her very attractive, yet she is simply incapable of graciously accepting a sincere compliment. For example, when I tell her how beautiful or sexy she is, she replys with a nervous laugh and insists that I need to get my eyes checked. She seldom attempts any physical contact outside the bedroom, except for occasionally offering me her cheek to kiss when I return home (I'm not kidding). She rarely lets her guard down in this respect and her apparent "coldness" has always bothered me. I'm a good-looking guy who exercises regularly and takes good care of myself, but she NEVER compliments me unless we're in the heat of passion. I find all these "defense mechanisms" of hers to be quite exasperating.

For the record, my wife and I make love an average of once or twice a week, but getting her to consent to the second time is usually quite a challenge. I want more, but I prefer quality to quantity (she's a fantastic lover once she's in the mood). None the less, I enjoy romancing my wife, from weekend getaways and flowers, to giving her long massages, whispering how much I love her, kissing her neck, breasts, ... and exploring her "nether regions" (I try hard to avoid the same old routine). Despite my efforts, I oftentimes get the standard response about how tired she is, or that it's too late, or too early, or she needs to unwind, or that I'm never satisfied, etc. By the way, I'd enjoy her spontaneously giving me long massages, telling me how sexy I am, and exploring my "nether regions" too!

I definitely spend a lot more time and effort pleasuring her than she does me. It almost seems as though her idea of being a thoughtful lover is squeezing me in after the conclusion of "Alias", or when she's done reading the paper at midnight.

Just to keep me wondering, she sometimes says "no" when she really means "yes", and "yes" when she really means "no". For instance, the other night she told me "please don't do that" as I was kissing her labia through her thong. A few minutes later she had her hands clasped behind my head (pressing her clit against my tongue) while she rocked her hips like a bronco-riding cowgirl. Afterwards she said "remind me never to let you do that to me again...".

Please tell me, how am I supposed to understand what she really wants?

I'm just wondering why "normal" women behave this way towards their adoring husbands?

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Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-25-2004 - 5:58pm
So agree.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2003
Sat, 06-26-2004 - 3:16pm
What is she so stressed out about? She isn't working extra hours. She stays at home with her children while her husband works. Then he comes home and gives her a break. He is the one doing the extra work. But he isn't too tired to pay attention to her after the kids are asleep. So why is she? Someone else on the board said that she remembers how mentally tiring raising her kids were and she would let her husband do all the work of sex. Was he not mentally tired from raising his kids? Did she do it all by herself? Time and time again we hear women complain that they are too tired and too stressed for sex. Why are they so much more fatigued and stressed than their husbands? Most of the men who post here report that they do help out after they get home from work. Seems to me that they would be the ones too tired for sex. So why is it they have all this sexual energy but their women do not? I think it has much more to do with hormones, priorities and attitude than fatigue or stress. They will not find a solution to their problem until they are willing to examine what is actually causing the problem.

Robin

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Sat, 06-26-2004 - 3:51pm
The POINT is that NO two individuals are the same. The variables are too vast to have a one-size-fits-all solution. For instance, I know a woman who has three children all under seven and she also has a little boy who is three that is twenty-times more work than another boy the same age. Her stress level WHILE WE'RE TOGETHER is very apparent. He's mentally exhausting. He's also a BIG BOY and she's a petite woman. I don't honestly know how she picks him up, but she does ALL DAY LONG! Put that same woman in an office job, and it's a breeze for her, even if she works overtime. Each person and situation is different. You can't just sit there and compare one person to the next. His feeling neglected is as valid as her feeling tired. Some people have NO CONCEPT of how taxing raising children is, as well as taking care of things in the home. It's not as easy as you think. In fact, some people find working out of the home, less work.




Edited 6/26/2004 3:55 pm ET ET by no_way_p

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2003
Sat, 06-26-2004 - 8:54pm
I do not totally disagree with your post Robin, but I will say that my husband has stayed hoem with my kids numerous times while I've been out of town. And he always says that staying home with them all day is MUCH more tiring and stressful than any job he's ever had. In fact, I've heard many men say they could never do it, and would much rather be in the workforce. I do think sometimes it is used as an excuse, and men may be just as tired yet they still want sex, but I also don't think that is ALWAYS the case. I work part time (2 days per week) in an extremely stressful job in the legal profession and yet I still am way more mentally drained when I stay home with my kids.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2003
Sat, 06-26-2004 - 9:14pm
"Someone else on the board said that she remembers how mentally tiring raising her kids were and she would let her husband do all the work of sex. Was he not mentally tired from raising his kids? Did she do it all by herself?"

I never said that I LET HIM DO ALL THE WORK OF SEX "all of the time." What I said was that MY LIBIDO was not normal, and SOMETIMES, I was just too tired and stressed to initiate, and yes, to move an inch. I guess I could have told him "no" or to go and masturbate, but I didn't. We were together for seven years before we had our first child... and he knew me well enough by that time to understand that THIS WAS NOT MY NORM. He knew that I WASN'T FAKING being tired or stressed out. Luckily for me, I had a DH who adjusted as well and who was understanding and compassionate for that short period in our lives. Our sex life has always been important, but it certainly isn't THE MOST important thing.

AND yes, he's been repaid plenty when he has some of his own stressful/tired bouts, and reaps the benefits of me doing all of the work(including full-body massages). But, afterall, that's what marriage is about, give and take, and accepting that sometimes the balance may tip more to one side. I don't keep score--we just adjust when one of us needs more. Even if there isn't any stress/tiredness present, we STILL and always WILL love just adorning the other with an "I'll-do-you-tonight-without-any-reciprocation-just-because-I-know-you-love-it" night. In fact, we both look forward to them. Some of my best orgasms are when I just lay there being serviced...and I apologize to no one for loving them. They're a part of our sexual repertoire.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Sat, 06-26-2004 - 9:56pm
Great post Free.

Leticia

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-28-2004 - 11:18am
Absolutely agree, once again. I've done both....work outside the home and stayed home with two children and outside is easier by a longshot! My DH completely agrees. Besides, you get off work, at some point and come home, being a mother is 24/7!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2004
Mon, 06-28-2004 - 3:03pm
I want to add my two cents here even though I don't have kids - KIDS CAN BE EXHAUSTING!! At one point I was in between jobs and homes (just moved out of my parents and was staying with my sister until I got a good enough job to be able to support myself) and was her "live in" babysitter, practically. She went to work at 5am and got home around 9pm so I took care of her 6 kids, all under the age of 8 at the time, all day long. I did everything a mother would do and since I was there, they started coming to me in the middle of the night if they needed something instead of her and let me tell you, I would rather work at my current, extremely high level stress job than do THAT again. I love kids, but oh...my...gosh!! Natural birth control!! I don't plan on having that many kids but I totally see where other mothers are coming from when they are just totally wiped out at the end of the day and sometimes can't move for sex. Plus, sometimes it is better just being serviced and if bith parties know what is going on with the other, what's the harm in it!?!? ;)
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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 5:20pm
Thank you for the advice.

I showed my wife the post (and responses) and we've been talking it over for the past few days. She concurred with most of what I described, except she thought I made it sound like she rejected me after I "romanced" her... which has never happened (she either falls asleep downstairs or thwarts my advances). As I said, she's a fantastic lover once she's in the mood.

Although I had already mentioned everything to her separately, she really didn't understand how much it all bothered me until she read my post. She's not sure what the cause of her "apparent coldness" is, but thinks it may be a combination of things including physical exhaustion, the way she perceives her body after 3 children and her inherent insecurity. She feels her lack of energy and inhibitions are effecting her mood, her ability to accept a compliment and her sex drive.

She also mentioned that I don't help matters when I'm "dogmatic" or when I drive too fast with the family in the car (I think she was reaching a bit on these points, but it does seem to bother her).

It was helpful for us to get these issues out in the open, and we agreed to work them out together. We often go for days without talking about much more than kids, work, bills, household chores, etc. My wife suggested once a week "dates" (dinner, movie, etc. without the kids) to talk, reconnect and rediscover our relationship. I think that's a great idea and I appreciate her effort.

Neither of us is expecting a quick fix, but we're both willing to look for the middle ground in our relationship (now that we both have a better idea where the middle ground is).

Thanks again for all the helpful advice.

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 5:28pm
I agree with your wife. We tend to lose our identities after becoming parents and forget that we were lovers FIRST! Date and making time for romance will definitely help to remind her of that fact.

Good luck!

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