What happened to foreplay??
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What happened to foreplay??
| Mon, 12-06-2004 - 6:19pm |
I have been with my SO for over three years, living together for almost a year. Lately, I'd say the past year, most of the time he expects to get sex whenever he wants it. I have a very high libido, so I do it. But lately, I've been feeling that I'm not getting enough attention to other parts of my body. His idea of foreplay is playing with my nipples for 5 to 10 minutes and then spreading my legs open. Last night he did this, and i would not let him go down there until I felt like I was turned on enough. (Like I said, up to this point, I have been letting him get away without a lot of foreplay.)He got mad and frustrated and said it was taking too long, I told him sometimes I need it to take long and we both went to sleep frustrated. How can I tell him that I need more without making him feel like he's not good enough? Any suggestions?

I'll just recommend a book for both of you to read.
The Wild Guide to Sex and Loving, by Siobhan Kelly.
Start the foreplay wayyyy early on. For dbf and I, foreplay last for hours. It may be a deep kiss when he gets home from work. Or an ass grab while I"m cooking. Or some suggestive words while watching Friends.
Choose your friends by their character and your socks by their color. Choosing your socks by their character makes no sense and choosing your friends by their color is unthinkable.
I don't know if I can be helpful, because when I'm in a relationship, I call it as I see it.
>>How can I tell him that I need more without making him feel like he's not good enough? <<
I'm wondering why you are so worried about him feeling that he's not good enough. Truth be told, he ISN'T good enough on the foreplay front. And not only that, but he doesn't care - so tell it like it is. The more you hedge around the issue, the harder it will be to fix.
Sometimes in relationships, women are so worried about feelings that the problem really never gets fully discussed or solved. Take the bull by the horns and sort it out once and for all.
If I were you, I'd tell frankly that the sex is great, but you need more foreplay. Tell him that you are not unlike most women in that respect. Also, tell him that you've been going along with brief foreplay, but it's really not working for you.
Perhaps you also need to give him an clear indication of what you need (don't leave him guessing). Was there a time in your relationship wehn there was enough foreplay? If so, tell him that you need to go back to that time.
How about sitting him down OUTSIDE the bedroom.....and talking to him about what you're feeling and thinking. Stopping him in the middle of sex to tell him he hasn't "done his job" yet.....doesn't work, it only makes him angry, as you found out.
Also, you make foreplay sound like a means to an end.....when in reality, it should give as much pleasure to BOTH of you as intercourse does. When you go out to a fancy restaurant, and order appetizers....don't you enjoy them JUST as much as the main course?
If you both try to make the foreplay a pleasure for each other....then why would he object to it? Hopefully, during foreplay, he's getting as much attention as you are....and if so, I can't see how he'd object to it.
Communication is what you need......outside the bedroom, and from both of you.
There's no problem with getting him to go down there, he loves doing that, and I go down on him lots also, I love doing it. It's the little things I'm talking about like putting his hands through my hair, kissing my ears and my neck. Not complaining when I ask him to rub my back. I rub his back all the time, I like doing it, but when I ask him to do it for me, which is not a lot, he complains.
It's not all that bad, we have great sex and we love each other, it's just that those little things that he used to do disappeared. Sometimes that's what turns me on the most.