What happened to the kissing?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2005
What happened to the kissing?
13
Thu, 07-21-2005 - 2:43pm

My BF gives only butterfly kisses. Light and short and on a rare occasion there might be a flutter of the tip of his tongue against my lips. When we first started dating he would kiss me deeply and passionately and it always excited me. In the past months it has seemed like there is less intention with his kisses - his lips barely touch mine. Our relationship is going great but when I asked him about the change in the way he kissed me he just told me that this was how he liked to kiss. That's fine but every once and a while I'd like to be kissed like he meant it, you know? I've tried kissing him the way I'd like him to kiss me and it's almost as if he doesn't even kiss me back anymore. I'm not looking for tonsil-hockey, I just want to know what happened to my marvelous kisser and how can I get him back?

Nothing else has changed. The frequency of our sex life hasn't changed and there haven't been any other big changes in our life. I just don't understand. We used to lay together and make out and now I'm lucky if I get a single kiss on the mouth before, during, or after sex. I know that make-out sessions are usually part of a young relationship and that it tapers off with time, but is it normal to disappear complete? I've never had this in a pervious relationship and am finding it a little disappointing, if not alarming.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2002
Thu, 07-21-2005 - 3:33pm

I don't know about your BF (perhaps he has gotten comfortable) but I still give my DW (of almost 14 years) deep long kisses, especially when we are making love, but also sometimes when I just want to show her that I want her. I also use light kisses when I am teasing her and for "hello," "goodbye," and other quick kisses.

CH

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-21-2005 - 6:20pm

I find it telling that he seemed unconcerned, at least from your post, about your asking the question in the first place. Perhaps he was defensive because he is becoming lazy, since his explanation was simply...."that's how I like to kiss."

Well, I HOPE you told him that since there are two of you in the bed, and one enjoys deep, passionate kisses, that hopefully you could expect some equal time and concern.

Did you? IF you didn't, then next time, initiate the type of kissing you like and hopefully, it will rekindle his desire to do things YOUR way, at least once in a while.




Edited 7/21/2005 6:28 pm ET ET by katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Thu, 07-21-2005 - 6:21pm

We're married 25 yrs and still have long, deep passionate kisses a lot.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2005
Thu, 07-21-2005 - 11:09pm
I would talk to him about how you're feeling about not getting those more intimate kisses that you are longing for. Tell him that you need that from him and you miss it. Just tell him exactly what you posted, and let him know that it's very important to you. I think he might change his attitude once he understands how serious you are.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2005
Fri, 07-22-2005 - 8:16am

Well I did try talking to him about this last night. Before he had implied that he didn't enjoy kissing me anymore because I smoked (I had always smoked, but I understood what he meant). He had asked me to quit before so I did. I haven't had a cigarette in about a month. Still I'd get no kissing.

Last night when I brought it up he told me that he didn't want to kiss me like that because it seemed to him that I always assumed it would lead to sex. Before I could point out that he doesn't even kiss me a lot of time when we do have sex he went on and now I'm more upset than ever.

He had always told me that he had a relatively low libido and while I'm not a fiend, I do usually want sex more often than he does. We had sex more often earlier in our relationship but I had just assumed that we'd fallen into a routine and it was just easier to stay with what his wants (sexually) were than to try to push him into anything more. Well he told me last night that he doesn't really have any reason to get aroused anymore than he does. He complained that I never try to get dressed up for him or turn him on. He pointed to what I was wearing at the time and asked if I would wear that to a club if I was trying to pick up a guy.

I have to dress up for work so when I get home I usually put on lounge clothes to relax. But so does he. A lot of the time when I would try to initiate sex in the past he would just shoot me down with one excuse or another so I had just pretty much given up on trying. I can't understand why he didn't say anything to me before this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2001
Fri, 07-22-2005 - 8:38am

Hi...i'm a lurker here, but i wanted to respond to your post. From past experience, i know exactly how you feel. I was married for 11 years the first time, and at the beginning everything was great...it almost always is. After we had been married just two months, he started kissing me differently. No more passionate kisses. And it hurt like he**. A kiss is very personal to me, almost more personal than sex (think 'Pretty Woman'.) I viewed it as 'rejection', and no matter how many times i talked about it, it did not change, not for 11 years. He never offered a real explanation, other than 'we're married now'. No passionate kissing during sex, much less for the heck of it. It's like...the way i view it, you can't kiss someone you don't think is attractive to you--it is very personal. It's the beginning of *everything*. Depending on the kiss, it shows your playfulness, it shows your concern, it shows your love, it shows your desire. KWIM? It helps keep you connected in a way.

I have no real help for you, other than to keep talking. And if he continues to put your feelings aside, that may be a clue. You may have to decide what *you* can live without in a relationship--or else move on. If he's unwilling to bend on this, then there may be another reason for his actions--one that he's even unaware of at this time. If this is a relationship that you really feel comfortable in then suggest counseling with him. Explain to him *why* this is important to you and hopefully he will understand. If not...then that's very telling of the future. Trust me on that.

((((Oh man, i really know how you feel))))

Linda

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-22-2005 - 10:43am

It sounds as if he's reacting to what he perceives as your laziness about your appearance. OR he's making excuses to avoid sex for some other reason. Are there any other unresolved problems outside the bedroom?

The question you should ask yourselves is if you knew that he had a lower libido and he knew you smoked, from the beginning, then why are these becoming major problems in the relationship now?

Something else is going on, IMO.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Fri, 07-22-2005 - 10:59am

When you say he would shoot you down with one excuse after another when you initiate sex, it sounds to me like there might be more going on here.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2005
Fri, 07-22-2005 - 11:39am

I'm afraid that you all might be right that this is an indication of bigger problems. I honestly don't know what it could possibly be, though. It's something that I had thought about even before our fight last night and I'm just at a loss. When I try to talk to him and see if there is anything wrong or if there is anything I can do so that he'd be happier he's always just told me that he was happy and that there is nothing wrong. If I push the issue any further or start pointing out the reasons why I think there's a problem he gets angry or accuses me of attacking him so I don't feel as though this is a topic I can easily broach with him and so I'm at a loss for what to do.

I don’t honestly know what to think about what he said last night as to why he doesn't want sex more often. I had asked him about it earlier on in our relationship because he didn't seem interested in sex very often which I wasn't accustomed to early on in a relationship. He told me he just had a low libido and I left it at that. Later on he told me he didn't want sex because we were always in the same position so I tried mixing that up more. Then he told me that I didn't do enough during sex but frankly, I don't know what to do! He doesn't like to be kissed anywhere on his body, he doesn't like to be licked, bit, rubbed, or ANYTHING! Then he told me that it was because I never initiated. I thought I had tried often to initiate but it seemed like he never realized that was my intention or he'd tell me "not now". Am I really this bad at the whole sex-thing? I don't know what to think about all of this but it does start to seem like he's just picking excuse after excuse.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2005
Fri, 07-22-2005 - 12:16pm

I'm really sorry to read your last post. It seems like you are really trying to figure out what's wrong in the relationship. Sounds like you have tried communicating and it just leads you to more "excuses". When you go to fix those issues, he makes up another issue to work on.


Seems to me like all the issues he's bringing up revolve around YOU and something that YOU aren't doing right. What about him? From what you have posted here, you have quit smoking, tried new positions, initiated more and are willing to dress up more to please him. What has he agreed to do to work out the kinks in your relationship? He's not willing to even talk about the problems without taking offense and making up more things that are wrong with you.


I would seriously suggest counseling to him or I would leave that relationship. It takes two to make it work. You will only end up with low self esteem if you keep going the way you are. You will be so unhappy and have such a void. I hope you can work things out.

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