What is a person supposed to do?
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| Thu, 06-30-2005 - 9:09pm |
My SO is a wonderful man who has a lot of trouble with intimacy, both physical and emotional. We've talked about it, a lot, yet nothing ever gets resolved, even though it feels like it sometimes. Let me explain.
In the beginning of our relationship he seemed romantic and "into" sex. He once even had the bedroom candlelit and whipped out his massage oil and did a whole body massage with soft music in the background. Now I can't even get him to hold my hand while sitting on the couch. He doesn't initiate sex AT ALL (no joke, he told me that he sees nothing wrong with me inititating it all the time and that if he doesn't want it he'll let me know...so now I'm the only one, it feels like, showing him I want him while at the same time I'm the only one being rejected). I've told him that it isn't the act of sex that I want (I've told him that if it were just an orgasm I'm after I would masturbate, which I've done twice in a year, both times in bed with him in hopes he'd get turned on enough to jump in and only once in worked (I'm willing to try anything to get his attention even if it means doing something I'm not completely comfortable with, mast. being one of them)).
He's told me that he thinks it is a bad that sex is a way for me to show him how I feel about him and oral sex does nothing for him (he can carry on conversations with me while I'm attempting to give him oral and it even turns me off). He also thinks I should feel that same closeness I feel during sex at other times, which is next to impossible when won't even take out the time to tell me even a little of how he feels about me (last dec. he told me, while he was in another state, that every kid he saw reminded him of my kids and that he wished we were there and that I should know how he feels by the way he does things for me...now we just kind of coexist). He also told me that, even though at the time I thought he was into sex, he does it sometimes just b/c I want to...as often as we have sex this isn't a good thing. I now feel kinda "sl..ty". I'm the one who initiates, I'm the one coming up with ideas to try that apparently he only goes along with so I don't feel bad. I don't want to have sex with someone I thought desired me in that way if he doesn't. It's like he wants all the "perks" of a romantic relationship without the relationship actually having any of the romantic traits.
I don't necessarily want to say this is atypical of male behavior b/c all you really ever hear about is that guys want it more than girls, but I don't know what to think or do. I've tried lingerie (met him at the door in a sexy little thing and all I got was "what is that made out of? Nylon? I thought Victoria's Secret could use better material."). I've tried porn (unless he is looking on the internet, which is rarely, at "educational" stuff he doesn't like it). In the beginning he was gung ho for anywhere, anytime. Now it's just "It's 11. Lets just get this over with"...anyone have similar experiences that can help me out here?

Have you told him what you've told us?
It sounds like you're doing everything right, but it does need two people to come to the party in order to work, and it certainly doesn't seem like he is doing that. Has he recognised the changes in his desire that have occurred since you first met him? If so, has he said anything about it?
I think that I'd lay my cards on the table and tell him what you've told us. See what he says. Try to find someway of resolving it. Other than that and maybe trying counselling, there isn't a lot that you can do if a person refuses or isn't interested in changing or trying. Ultimately it might mean the end of the relationship. Sex and intimacy isn't everything in a relationship but it sure is a big part of it.
What's the point of being in a relationship that doesn't make you happy? He's a cold man, and he not only isn't willing to change, he expects you to accept him as he is. He makes you feel rejected. He makes you feel like a slut. You feel that you just coexist. He has sex with you occasionally to do you a favor. He carries on a conversation while you give him oral sex? (strange, he gets nothing out of it but yet he allows you to do it!) You feel the need to beg and grovel to get his attention.
Myself, I'd rather be alone! You ARE alone.....because he's not there with you emotionally, only physically. He's not going to change, and you will HAVE to change & learn to accept the occasional crumb he throws you if you intend to stay in the relationship.