What should I do? (long sorry...)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2005
What should I do? (long sorry...)
9
Thu, 05-12-2005 - 11:14pm

I have been with my bf for about a year and eight months. I love him more than anything but he is into anal. That is something I have tried with other people before and with him on three or more occassions. The problem is that I can not stand it. Anal does not feel good to me in any way, it hurts me and it actually makes me feel so sick to my stomach when he does it I usually throw up after it. Throwing up is not due to the fact that I think it is dirty if you enjoy this then by all means continue...I have never found enjoyment or pleasure from this.

Now to my problem every few months my bf comes begging for me to have anal the last time we did it I could not look at him or feel love towards him for several days I do not want him to touch me or even be in the same room as me.

During anal I will tell him that it hurts and cry and it does nothing to him he tells me he likes it better that way. I do not know what to do it is getting to that time he is dropping hints like crazy. I do not want to leave my bf everything else in our relationship is perfect I could not imagine my life without him but every few months it feels like he turns into Mr. Hyde and I do not know what to do with him. I give in every time and he tells me he wont "ever do it again because he loves me and does not want me to feel that way." I honestly really needed someone to talk to about this It hurts me that he shows no feelings towards me only that he has this need and that is all that matters. Anyone have any suggestions on what to do?

My bf and I have amazing sex normally and the oral is hot. I just can not handle the anal its too uncomfortable to me it feels like I am tearing in half and it has never felt good.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2005
Thu, 05-12-2005 - 11:31pm

Im a little surprised that he knows about how it makes you fell and still wants you to do it. I mean physicaly makes you sick. I am told men like anal sex becasue it makes them feel in charge, like they have you completly. In the female point of view I understand completely I mean they have to realize what that was made for.

If you want to please your bf and try again do some research on it may be something is done wrong. I found this site I dont know if it will help http://www.analsexyes.com/
also talk with your dr about it maybe there are medical factors for what you are feeling

If you are set on excluding it from the line up sit down with him and talk to him about it clearly he hasnt seen eye to eye with you yet. baybe you can find something else he can concentrate on besides your butt

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Fri, 05-13-2005 - 12:36am

If he insist on doing something that makes you physically ill, then he doesn't have much respect for you, or for your feelings.

You need to talk to him, and tell him that you do NOT want to do it, and that you're not going to do it. If he can't deal with that, then this is a relationship that's not meant to be. A man who loves a woman wouldn't ask her to do something that he KNOWS causes pain, and is repulsive to her.

Anytime you have to say "our relationship is great.....except....." then it's NOT great. There are no "buts" or "excepts" in a great relationship.

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-13-2005 - 2:48am

I think you need to tell him that there won't be anymore anal sex from you and that you won't be talked into it again.

IF he hangs around after this proclaimation, then he loves YOU more than the anal.

IF he doesn't, then you'll know what's more important to him and it won't be such a loss. But, it sounds like he's already telling what his answer is by continuing to put you in such pain and enjoying it!

No sexual act should ever be painful nor be only for one partner in a relationship.




Edited 5/13/2005 2:53 am ET ET by katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Fri, 05-13-2005 - 7:19am

Then stop giving into him!


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2005
Sat, 05-14-2005 - 8:44pm
I would say there has been some good advice given by the other posts. For something to be repulsive and for you to cry during the act is wrong. I don't see how he can continue in this manner. I have to admit (being a guy) I fantasize and dream about having anal sex with my DW. I have always been curious about it and what it feels like. For the man. Is it anything like vag. sex? Must not be if it makes you cry. Good luck with your man. I wish my DW would consider it. But I am not going to pressure her into anything she doesn't want to do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2005
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 9:03am

Do you feel like you can talk with him and that he will listen and respect you? Are you worried about it happening again whether you want it to or not? From what you've said, crying and saying it hurts during sex and him not stopping... Well I'll be frank, it sounds like sexual abuse, if not outright rape. No wonder you don't feel loving towards him for days afterwards and don't want him anywhere near you.

Without going into details I'll just say I was in a similar situation. It became our "normal" but it wasn't, at all. Like was already said, there is no "But..." in a good relationship. It is not normal that he continues while you are crying and saying it hurts, not in the least. I understand how it doesn't seem "that bad" while in a relationship, and how easy it is to justify and make excuses, but something is very wrong here. For me it took until I started sleeping with my current boyfriend to realize just how messed up everything had been with my ex. My current boyfriend wouldn't WANT to have sex unless I was enjoying it as well, and he's proven this for fact time and time again. That is what normal should be, for everyone.

If talking to him doesn't work or you don't feel you can talk with him and not still be pressured then yes, this is something to end the relationship over.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 9:35am

My DH and I have anal sex once in awhile and it isn't to make him feel "in charge." Its because its different. He says its a ton tighter than my vagina and the sensations are different. Its not something we partake in all the time. But, we do it for a change up. It has nothing to do with being in charge.

As for the OP, if you don't want to do it then don't. Put your foot down and tell him that it hurts you, makes you sick, and that you don't want to do it. If he can't respect that, then leave him. Chances are he won't respect you anywhere else if he can't do so in the bedroom.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2005
Sat, 05-21-2005 - 1:38am
Well its clear that talking with him hasnt helped ANY. So honestly what i would do is play his game but suggest you get a 'toy' for him n let him see how it feels. i know that sounds horrible...but how else will he ever know how u feel
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Sat, 05-21-2005 - 8:38am

He


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd