What should I dooooooo ???????? :-(

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
What should I dooooooo ???????? :-(
13
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 12:20am
My bf and I began to have sex and it's been pretty mundane for the most part because we're just starting out and I was a virgin so I want to give my body a bit of time to adjust to all the..pushing and banging lol. Anyways, I want to do more with him. I want to get into foreplay more and go down on him and everything but I'm scared. I'm a bit self concious of my body even though he loves it. I don't know what to do. I was thinking I'd get the room all dark that way he won't really see stuff but I don't know this is going to be really hard for me now that I think about it. Also, I'm terrified of him going down on me and I don't know why. I'm really self concious for some reason but it's weird because sometimes I'm completely not but other times, like this, I completely am. I don't know what to do :( I don't want to tell him that I'm self consious it'll kill the mood we just started out already!!

What should I dooooooooo :(

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 7:53am
Hon, you're having SEX with your boyfriend. If you're not 100% comfortable exposing your body to him, I'd be questioning how ready you are for sex...or how ready your relationship is for sex.

Having sex with someone is about complete acceptance and trust. It's about knowing that they will still love you despite (or because of) all your lumps and bumps. If that feeling is not there, something is wrong.

Please....stop having sex until you are comfortable with being seen naked by him. Your discomfort is a big red flag telling you that you aren't ready.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 8:23am

I agree completely with what Aisha said in her post.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 9:22am
No no no no.

You guys have it all wrong. I've been really close with him for four years and we just got very serious in the last 7 months. I do love him so much and we have a wicked relationship. The problem IS me. I'm one of those people who needs space and all that. But he's someone who makes me want to be around people and especially him. He loves the way I look but no matter how much someone else loves your body if you're not sure of it it doesn't mean you're not ready for things. I've wanted to be with him this way for a very long time and there wasn't any pressure from him at all actually. Please, there are women everywhere who have sex but aren't confident of their bodies and wish there were thigns they could change but that doesn't mean they're not ready to love someone that way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2003
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 9:34am
Dear Shoegal,

I haven't read the other responses, so I may be redundant here and for that I apologize.

Let me start by saying: Don't be so hard on yourself! What you are experiencing is just part of the process. You are learning to trust and to be with your body and his. Sex in the beginning (like everything in life) can be a little scary. Just let it be scary. When you are ready to try new things, try them slowly and be aware of what your body is telling you. Your body will give you one of two messages, either a message of comfort or discomfort. If the message is comfort, then go for it, if the message is discomfort, than back off...you are not ready yet for that particular action. If you want the lights out, have the lights out, but be open to the idea that this will change as all things do. If you want to try oral sex, try it, but again, be aware of the messages your body is sending and go no further with it than is comfortable. IF you try to force yourself to give or receive something before your ready this always leads to problems.

Besides just the procreation part, sex for humans is meant to be a celebration. It is a revealing of yourself to your lover, on the physical, mental and spirtitual sides, but it is meant to be gentle and loving. So take your time and be okay with your boundries until those boundries are ready to move. You have a whole lifetime to discover all of this, no need to rush.

Good luck.

Scott.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 11:30am

You're original post made it sound like sex was something you were really afraid of by the choice of words, (Scared and terrified)


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bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2004
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 12:03pm
hey its been almost eighteen yrs. with hubby we were young and inexperianced

we have learned and still are the journey has been long but good i just want to

say he still can make me blush and i still get embaressed on ocasion

but i know there are no doubts at all about my relationship i guess i must be

modest or reserved dont know give it some more time tell him what you

think see what happens you will feel better about it
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 4:13pm
What you've described sounds like the typical vunerability and insecurity that most of us feel to a certain degree, when we first begin sharing our bodies with a partner. It does go away for the most part though with familiarity and trust.

Honest communication is essential to prevent misunderstandings and wrong signals to your partner though. TELL him that you're insecure about his seeing your body. TELL him that you're insecure about performing fellatio on him and receiving as well. I'm sure he has experienced some of the same nervousness, too! I can't imagine that he won't be more willing to take things slowly until you feel more comfortable with the idea of doing those things.

Start out on the right foot now and talk about all these things openly from the start. It will set a wonderful precedent for your relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 8:28pm
Body image is something that all women struggle with. I'm not in your shoes so I couldn't presume where your fears come from... I think even if you don't realize it, part of that insecurity about yourself is probably also part insecurity about your relationship (like some of the initial posters said). You're the one who knows. Learning to love yourself is the first part of loving other people in a healthy way.

But aside from the directly emotional aspect of it, there's another part. I have gone throughbody image issues, like most people do... off and on, that worry and dislike of myself never seems to disappear for good. Sometimes I look in the mirror and feel good, sometimes I don't want to look. Sometimes it really upsets me, and then I'm totally normal and fine and feel perfectly happy and positive. Why does it change so much? People say that good body image has entirely to do with you and yourself, but I must say I disagree with that. A very large portion of good self esteem comes from within, but good self esteem also comes from that intellectual part of: what am I really striving for? We all strive for unattainable things, particularly in this image driven/body/sex driven objectifying world. I know for a fact that if I open up a cosmo and see all those flat tummies out there...I am going to feel like crud about myself for about 3 days. It really makes me feel terrible. Seeing this ideal of what a woman "ought" to look like is the worst thing I can do to feel good about myself. As long as I have an image of something that I've convinced myself is "beautiful", I am never going to feel good about myself

So... what *does* make me feel good about myself? Two things. I happen to like black and white photography, and I've got black and white photos from various artists posted all over my house. I have one in particular from the 1950s that is a photo of a woman laying on her side with her back to the camera, stretched out so you can see the arch of her back and...imagine that, a curve of stomach coming out, with (let me get descriptive for a minute) a very *not* small back end. She's *breathtakingly* beautiful in the photograph, and it reminds me not to be so hard on myself. The fact is is that the human body itself is beautiful, fairly independent of the peculariaties that each person has in it. The curve of a waist or a thigh or whatever... it's all beautiful. And it's what men are attracted to. Your boyfriend is clearly attracted to you, and when he tells you, you need to believe him. You know what he sees when he looks at you? He sees all these curves and lines that together hold you inside your skin. I know that's what I see when I look at my boyfriend: sure, he's got the tummy pudge. But it's him, and it's what's inside him that makes him so unbelievably attractive to me. If your boyfriend is in a relationship with you, he wants to be with YOU: with your mind, your body, and your heart. And when he looks at your body, he's sees all three at once. So find a photo of somebody that isn't a today's standard beauty and look at it for a while... try to imagine what the person who took that photo was seeing, and then picture how that unconvential beauty comes through in another way. And also realize that, sure, if she stood up or unstretched or whatever, she'd have that pudge or that wrinkle or etc. But she's beautiful anyway, because a person (the photographer, and also you -- the viewer) chose to see it

(2) If you can see that in something else, stand in front of a mirror and find it in YOURSELF. Seriously! I look in a mirror and I see so many faults instantly. It sucks to feel that way and nobody should. How do you fix it? Look in the mirror and find something about yourself that you love. Turn, stretch, something. Find a curve you like, and then when you're doubting what you see or what you think your boyfriend sees, picture that curve as a reminder. And I will guarentee he sees it too. Learn to love a part of your own body, and realize beauty really is in the eye of the beholder. See it in yourself, and believe that he sees it in you too.

Sorry this got long. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 9:08pm
Do you understand how much sense that made to me?! Everybody compliments me and I can never take them because I want to remain humble. I think that's why I have such a terrible idea of myself sometimes. I look around me and I see perfection but people close to me regard me close to that and I think that's why I'm so insecure. I mean I have green eyes blonde hair I'm 5'4" weight 117 lbs...I'm so the stereotypical girl that it scares me. My bodyfriend loves me, he tells me all the time and he tells me what he loves and they're not all physical characteristics yet I manage to feel insecure still. I know it's one of those things where it's all in my head. You're post was really enlivening and I really appreciate the thought. I think I really am going to get a picture like you and use it as a reminder to appreciate myself. I think that IS very important now that I feel what it means to appreciate someone else too.

Thanks a bunch

Lots of kisses

ash

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Fri, 10-15-2004 - 2:47am
>>Everybody compliments me and I can never take them because I want to remain humble. <<

I think it may also be time to reasses your attitudes about being humble. I suspect that you are confusing humbleness with lack of confidence. Being humble does not mean that you should not accept compliments or be confident - it's more about not boasting about how great you are. A truly humble person can be confident and successful, but simply does not draw attention to their successes.

Do you know, one of the most tedious things for a man is a woman who cannot accept a compliment graciously. Accepting and believing compliments is not only about making the giver feel good - it's quite simply good manners. Not believing someone - when they are being honest - is incredibly rude.

Besides that, if a desire to remain humble makes you unable to satisfy your lover's needs - is it really that wise? Surely he means more to you than that. Also, CONFIDENCE is the key feature that most people agree makes a person attractive. It's time to stop thinking so much about yourself and instead, think about how to make your partner happy. Anyway, let's face it: if we cannot satisfy our partners needs, they will eventually look elsewhere for someone who can.

Remain humble by all means...but remember that being confident is a GOOD thing. It's simply about finding balance. Instead of trying to be humble, work on being gratious and refining your manners. Stop disbelieving those people who care enough about you to say nice (honest) things - or else you'll find yourself without those wonderful people as they get annoyed with your denials.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace

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