What would you do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2004
What would you do?
22
Tue, 06-22-2004 - 9:20am
Just have a question need some womanly advice. If your husband cook dinner for you and your kids every night, clean the house, did the laundry every weekend, took the kids to school and picked them up every day and all the other stuff around the house. Would you have sex with him when every he wanted to?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Tue, 06-22-2004 - 12:47pm
Did he tell you that is what he expects of you if he does all that? Kinduv of a strange question - like part of it is missing. I suppose I would have sex with him whenever he wanted (IF he had the energy still, ha-ha). I mean, what else would you do? Just sit around? A little more clarification would help.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Tue, 06-22-2004 - 12:50pm
Sounds like she does what she wants to do. I would stop helping out so much, come home from work, sit back and relax once in awhile. You're doing all the work at home and the office! Usually that is shared.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2004
Tue, 06-22-2004 - 12:58pm
It could be a thousand different things, but I doubt it's got to do with the chores.

Some women feel tired all the time because they struggle with depression. If a woman is on depression meds, those are known to kill a sex drive. Menopause? Hormone meds? Health or emotional problems? Past sexual abuse? Mismatched sexual libidos? Sexually repressed/was raised to think sex is dirty? Could be lots of things. Relationship problems? Kid or other family problems? It sounds like the two of you need some really good communication and if necessary, a counselor.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Tue, 06-22-2004 - 1:26pm
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Edited 6/22/2004 1:34 pm ET ET by tiana_rose
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Tue, 06-22-2004 - 1:49pm
I am pretty much in agreement with the others that something else is going on. We have sex pretty much as often as we want(unless kids or something keeps us from it). It doesn't matter to me whether or not DH does alot of chores here. Although, when he does help out I do feel more like having sex with him. My desire doesn't increase because of the chores per say, but because we have three young kids and he knows how hard it can be. So if he helps out to make things easier for me, it shows me he cares about me and in turn that affects how I feel about him. Are you two affectionate? Do you touch her hair or her back, pat her bottom when you go by her? I will say one thing, affection plays a big part for me, The more affection I get throughout the day, the more my desire for sex. Would she go to a counselor with you to get to the bottom of what's going on with her? It might help you two sort things out.

Leticia

Avatar for luvmylittleones
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 06-22-2004 - 3:22pm
I haven't read the other replies yet but regardless of what my husband did I wouldn't have sex if I didn't want to (do you mean out of obligation for housework done?). Then again I can't think of a time I haven't wanted to have sex when dh wants to but I think I have a bit higher libido than he does.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-22-2004 - 5:38pm
I have sex with my fiance if he wants to regardless of who does the chores. We don't play games and manipulate each other by withholding sex to get our way or win fights. If we are unhappy about something in the relationship, we talk about it and work it out. We aren't passive aggressive in an attempt to hurt the other person.

I didn't read the other posts, but scanned the outline view. I agree with the others who said there is something else majorly wrong in your relationship that has nothing to do with chores.

I don't really have any advice for you other than to talk to her about it. Its NOT about chores and pulling your weight with family responsibilites, its about her anger and resentment towards you and your relationship. Why? I don't know. Only she knows and she's the one you need to talk to about it.

I would straight up say that I am NOT buying the "i'm to tired excuse" and that she needs to come clean about why she is using sex to manipulate you and destroy your relationship.

BTW, its really important that you work this out. You have kids who need 2 parents, so its your job to get her talking and figure this out.

Best of luck to you

Sara

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Wed, 06-23-2004 - 6:08am
This is "HE"......wanting to know why he doesn't get what he wants after all he does....Obviously, HE'S not in control!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2004
Wed, 06-23-2004 - 6:35am
Mind you, its one thing to complete household tasks and personally note the fact that you've earned some brownie points...

And its another to expect that after you do them, you automatically get rewarded through sexual means.

I think the problem may be (and I'm not sure because each situation is different) in the fact that she may feel somehow forced or commanded to complete 'sexual favours'. Although I have a highly active sex drive, I know that if my boyfriend phrased "If I do this, will you give me _____" I would be immediately turned off. Being expectant of something can be degrading to any strong, independent, working female.

I recognize its difficult to do something without any recognition from your spouse as it may make you feel taken for granted, however, she may feel as though she is being taken for granted as well; the price to pay for her in bed is not love, but merely a night of dishwashing and laundry.

Hope this gives you another stance on things!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Wed, 06-23-2004 - 10:04am
I completely agree with you, and I should have made that more clear in my response. Whatever he does for her doesn't entitle him to sex automatically, nor should he think it does, nor does it seem that he DOES think that. He seems to be simply asking, after doing all that, "don't you think" she'd be pleased enough to respond. Yes, on the surface, one would think that. But, unfortunately, in these posts you get ONE side of the story, and in this case, it's his side. Wouldn't it be nice if she'd pop in and give us HER side of it?

When I said "she's got a problem", what I meant was that whatever the problem is, it's on "her end" of the relationship. That problem could vary from sexual repression to childhood abuse. It could also be that she's not happy in the marriage, and is thinking of ending it, or involved with someone else.

It could ALSO be simply that he's not being loving and romantic during the times when he's NOT doing the housework, or that he's constantly throwing it in her face....."I do everything around here, and I'm entitled". Maybe he jumps into the bed next to her and says "gimme some baby"! We all know, that's NOT going to work.

But the bottom line here is that she's the one that has a problem. It's very possible that her problem is HIM. That's why he has to talk to her and find out WHAT is bothering her, because all other things being equal, no woman is going to refuse sex on a continuing basis, unless something is bothering her. Until he finds out what's bothering her, he can cook and clean till the cows come home, it won't help.

That is what I meant by saying she has a problem. Her problem COULD very well be him, but of course, he wouldn't know that, if she doesn't tell him anything but "she's tired".