What's up with me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
What's up with me?
2
Tue, 12-20-2005 - 4:42pm

I've seen alot of discussions on here about temptations, flirting, etc of married/committed women. Well I went the whole way. Five years ago next month (Jan 2001), I fell into an affair with a married man. I had been married for 11 years to my high school sweetheart. The other man (OM) was married for 3 years at the time, to his second wife, after his first wife and high school sweetheart had died in an auto accident. It was a 3 1/2 year affair, with phone calls, sex, intimacy, and even "I love you" spoken every day. I ended the affair in September 2004 after finding out that the OM had slept with yet another woman. All that time I was involved with the OM I truly believed that we were destined to be together, stuck in relationships that had come along too early in our lives and just waiting until our kids were raised to get out and be together. I was trapped in a love triangle - I loved two men at the same time. Finding out that I was one of many for the OM was devastating. Finding out that my husband had 2 affairs hurt less than finding out my OM had one! Yes, my husband had two. Here's what I need help with....my husband and I really do love each other, we have two wonderful children, a new home, great jobs, great families. My husband forgot his affairs quickly - they were just sex, no love involved - so he is loving me just the same as he ever has. I however, am having a hard time getting back into the groove. Before my affair I didn't know what sex was like with anyone but my husband. It was always just okay, never exciting, never stimulating. More like a wifely duty, than something I wanted to do. Now that I know that there can be love and passion in the same relationship (because my OM knew exactly what to say and do to make me just melt into him and I was on fire with him) I want that in my marriage. I've tried to explain to my husband what to do, say, and how to treat me to make me desire him, but he isn't that type. He just doesn't get it! I am to the point that to me sex is disgusting, pointless and hated. I do it out of duty to keep peace. I've been married 15 years now I truly want to make this work with my husband - I would never betray him again no matter what. I've been to countless hours of counseling, read many books, articles, been to discussions like this. I've never joined one - been to scared to. Has anyone out there been through this and if so, how does one get the desire back? How can I want my husband again and enjoy being intimate with him again? Am I just doomed to a so-so sexual relationship with the father of my children for the rest of my life? Any comments, ideas would be welcome.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2004
Tue, 12-20-2005 - 5:25pm
Do you want to get the desire back or do you want to create desire(they're two different things altogether). I don't think that you can "make" desire happen. I think that it either is, or it isn't. Apparently, you never had it with your husband...as you said: "Now that I know that there can be love and passion in the same relationship (because my OM knew exactly what to say and do to make me just melt into him and I was on fire with him) I want that in my marriage." As far as what I know about desire, you have to feel it for him all on it's own(not conditioned on what he says or does)...even before you two actually have sex. It's about hormones and chemistry, not about how good he is with his tongue. My husband wasn't the greatest lover in the world when we first began having sex, but just standing next to him and getting a whiff of him would make me melt(and still does). You can't create chemistry....it just is. Did you ever feel that for your husband(the way you did for the other man?)?
Imagination is more important than knowledge." (Albert Einstein )
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Tue, 12-20-2005 - 5:43pm
You know, I can't really answer that. We got together when I was 15 years old and started having sex when I was 16. When I was 16 I thought he was hot. When we got married at 20, it was because we had been together for so long and I wanted to live with him. After we started having kids at 22, then he worked two jobs and I pretty much lost any desire for him after that, but I was content. I wasn't even looking for the other man. It happened so fast, he was a neighbor and I had always had a crush on him. Then one day after I got a boob job, he came by to borrow some tools, my husband wasn't there, he asked to see the new boobs, I showed him and the rest is history. I am 36 years old, and I don't think I would be attracted to my husband sexually if I met him today. I would love his funny personality and his willingness to be a husband and dad. But physically, I probably would not have the hots for him. As I said, I wanted the OM from the day I saw him. I would drop to my knees for him and love every minute of it.The chemistry was there and the love came from that. However, I love my husband, but his advances make me irritated. So, did I ever feel that way for my husband? Yes, when I was 16 years old, but never as an adult.