What's your take on this?
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| Wed, 07-26-2006 - 5:35pm |
Early in the relationship when HD and I met and started having sex we tried oral. I have initiated it and was the first one to give it to him. After a few sessions I asked for a return favor and during two separate tries it ended up being a disaster. He was very bad it and gagged both times to boot. So that completely turned me off of oral and after those two attempts all oral completely stops for both of us.
Also, at the same time this whole oral disaster was happening, I suggested we try anal. I have actually had to mention this several times before I just said that we are trying it. Well, that did not go any better then oral. He attempted to just stick his d..k in me with out any kind of play or warm up. Obviously that hurt and that was the end of that too.
Neither oral not anal has been mentioned ever again. He never ever asked or even hinted at it during the 7 years we've been together.
In addition, early in the relationship we have discussed the fact that I only seem to orgasm through the use of vibe. (I have enjoyed oral with previous lover, but have not orgasm from it, although it has been incredible and I think I could've easly orgasmed form it if I stayed with that lover, but I met my now DH, that was history). Also, it has been extensively discussed that a dry finger on my clitoris was a big no no.
Well, now, seven years later, we haven't have sex for about 8 months now. Before that we averages about once very 2-3 months. About a year and half ago, I stopped letting him touch my clit because he continues sticking his dry fingers there. The for last 3 or 4 times we had sex, my legs did not even open until I let him enter me and just get it over with. We basically kissed, he sucked my nipples and then he entered. The whole thing took 5 minutes. Since then, we have not had any sex at all. I told him that I lost my sex drive after our second DD was born. The kicker, he just accepted that. He sort of kind of tried to suggest the idea of sex a few times, but I just ignored it and nothing happened. Also, we trying couple's therapy right after we got married, but that did not go well. The therapist got us on a more frequent schedule, but it was not any better. We only did therapy for 3 months, as I got sick and ended up in the hospital and then I got pregnant.
Now, I know I am at fault here just as much as he is. I have a hard time saying things in a non-accusatory way and therefore don't say them at all. However, I still don't get his behavior. Never ask for anything. BJ's stopped -- Fine. Anal -- never ask. He hasn't seem to notice that he hasn't been touching my privates at all. No desire to touch me is expressed what so ever. Other then my boobs, I don't think he even know that there is more of me. Is this a normal for a man. He is 32. Claims to have had several partners before me, and claims that all women he's been with before never had problem with orgasms or his technique.
Our marriage and he individually have so many good aspects that I decided to give this whole sex thing another try. I just need to figure out how approach it. Like I said, I have a tendency to be accusatory.
Think I just needed to vent more then anything else, but any input on what you guys think of his approach would be appreciated.
Mai

If he wasn't good at givng you oral, failed at giving you anal, has known from early in the relationship that you only climax with a toy he probably is feeling pretty lousy about himself as a lover and sex only serves to remind himself of how little he has been able to satisfy you. If you stopped giving oral after his poor performance on you and your feedback tends to be accusatory, that can only have made things worse and stress/performance anxiety is a deal killer for men.
That said, if he feels like a failure in bed, he should work on his performance and that starts with listening to you and not doing things you don't like (i.e. the dry finger treatment). It sounds like there's a lot of history or hurt feelings, rejection and resentment here and taht's going to take a lot of time to work through. I would encourage you to see a marriage counselor for guidance in untangling these issues and getting to a place where you're both willing to give each other another chance.
On the positive side, it sounds like you still appreciate the good things about each other and haven;t let the bedroom problems poison your entire relationship. Also, you expressed a willingness to accept responsibility for your role and I hope your husband is willing to as well. I have learned from experience that counselling only works if you go into with the intention of addressing your own issues, not your partner's. Successful marriages and failed ones are created by both parties and it takes two to fix what two broke.
I hope some of this helps, that none of it sounds too preachy and that you and your husband are able to tackle this problem successfully together.
Good luck!
Edited 7/26/2006 6:09 pm ET by journeyman2005
Edited 7/26/2006 6:10 pm ET by journeyman2005
I tend to agree with journeyman. I think you have to start by looking at this from HIS point of view.
If you have always approached this problem in an "accusatory" manner, then he's likely gun shy now about asking you for sex or trying anything new for fear of getting reprimanded for his lack of understanding and skills in bed.
So, it's just easier not to approach you at all. Think about it. People, typically, will do what will preserve their egos and self esteem and avoid what causes shame or reproach.
He may have a phobia or feelings of disgust about female genitalia, which could be behind the avoidance and lack of attention to the rest of your body. That might explain the gagging during oral. OR he could just be ignorant about female pleasure so he avoids those areas that he's insecure about.
Is it possible that he was molested as a child? That's also a possibility when there is sexual dysfunction.
BUT the only way to know what's going on is to discuss the problem and deal with it. Figuring out the reasons behind these problems is the first step to solving them. If it takes sex therapy, then that should be a consideration.
Edited 7/27/2006 9:34 am ET by katmandoo2001
Journeyman2005 wrote:
"If he wasn't good at givng you oral, failed at giving you anal, has known from early in the relationship that you only climax with a toy he probably is feeling pretty lousy about himself as a lover and sex only serves to remind himself of how little he has been able to satisfy you. If you stopped giving oral after his poor performance on you and your feedback tends to be accusatory, that can only have made things worse and stress/performance anxiety is a deal killer for men."
The thing is, he has never had problems with erection. He doesn't last long, but that has always been the case. But that has never been the problem for me. I don't come from IC, and even though I enjoy feeling him inside me and all, him finishing quickly is not a problem for me, and I made it very clear to him. Interestingly enough, a while back he got those numbing condoms that supposed to make you last longer. Well, that was a disaster. He got an allergic reaction to them and his whole penis was swollen for days after that. We are still laughing about when he remember that emergency visit to his doctor. As for my accusatory feedback, I have not done that in years. I stopped after we tried Couples Therapy. By since that got us nowhere ( I think we needed a more aggressive therapist)we basically stopped talking about at all.
"...if he feels like a failure in bed, he should work on his performance and that starts with listening to you and not doing things you don't like (i.e. the dry finger treatment)."
Then why isn't he? I just don't get it. I have never rejected him until about 1.5 years ago, when I got fed up with this. I have initiated in the past, even when I knew I will get nothing out it. I have tried to gently remind him about dry fingers. And nothing.
" It sounds like there's a lot of history or hurt feelings, rejection and resentment here and taht's going to take a lot of time to work through. I would encourage you to see a marriage counselor for guidance in untangling these issues and getting to a place where you're both willing to give each other another chance. "
Yes, a very long history of hurt feelings. However, I don't see us going to another counselor at the moment due to a bad experience before. But, I am 100% positive that I want to give us another chance. We'll just have to do ourselves.
As for your tips about anal, well, I don't need any tips, after all a girl needs to take care of herself somehow. ;) I just need a willing partner. I have a draw full of toys and he knows it. But I don't think in all these years, he has even taken a close look at them.
katmandoo2001 wrote:
"I tend to agree with journeyman. I think you have to start by looking at this from HIS point of view. If you have always approached this problem in an "accusatory" manner, then he's likely gun shy now about asking you for sex or trying anything new for fear of getting reprimanded for his lack of understanding and skills in bed. "
I agree. This a completely new way of looking at things for me, but I think you both are right. This is not just about me. I need to think now on how to approach this. Any suggestions?
"He may have a phobia or feelings of disgust about female genitalia, which could be behind the avoidance and lack of attention to the rest of your body. That might explain the gagging during oral. OR he could just be ignorant about female pleasure so he avoids those areas that he's insecure about. "
Wow, never thought of that. I have to say though, it is worth exploring your suggestion of phobia/disgust, but I certainly hope it is just ignorance. If it is more then just lack of technique, that leaves me nowhere and what do I do then?
"Is it possible that he was molested as a child? That's also a possibility when there is sexual dysfunction. "
Never thought about it that way. I don't think I want to either, but I might have to give it some thought now.
Thank you for replies.
Mai
Well, I certainly hope you can get him to open up about these issues. It makes it much easier to deal with and understand if you know the REASONS why he acts and feels as he does. Then, you can figure out together how to make the needed changes.
And I would strongly suggest finding another counselor who specializes in sexual issues in marriage to help you. It really can be the catalyst for changes that will revitalize your marriage and sex life.
He he, I am back. I find that 'talking' about this is very eye opening and theraputic for me right now, so don't mind my babbling.
Last night DH made another attempt at having sex. I actually feel bad about it now. I usually wear panties/bra to bed and last night I got in bed naked after the shower. I think he thought it was an invitation (it wasn't, I need to do laundry). So he started giving me little kisses and lightly massaging my back and butt and telling me how lucky he is for having me, and how much he loves me. I thinkg he was actually afraid to take it further himself, as he has kind of circled my breasts with his fingers, but never really touched them. And I know that my breast is his biggest turn on.
Here is why I feel bad. I was so horny, I wanted him so bad my body was aching. But what do I do. I do nothing. Why, because as bad as I feel now for rejecting him, I would have felt ten temes worth after our boring unsuttisfiying sex. So I rejected him before I had a chance of feeling rejected by him. I din't do this to punish him, but to protect myself.
However, every day I am more and more convinced that this relationship worth the effort. I am just afraid that if we fail this time also, them we will have nothing left.
The kicker to all of this is that if DH will be willing to work this out, he just might become the happiest man on earth. I have a wild and kinky streak that I have been suppressing for years. At this point, he cannot even imagine the things I am willing and more then happy to try and do.
Well, one thing's for sure, nothing will get better if you continue to do nothing. And by protecting yourself, you ARE hurting him. Every time you reject him, he's taking notes. He WILL remember and the resentment will grow. And how can he ever get better at doing anything if he never gets the chance?
You have to be willing to step out of your comfort zone and take some responsibility for your own pleasure. If he can't satisfy you sexually, bring a vibrator to bed with you and show him how to use it on you. Take the initiative. Get him involved. Get him excited about your pleasure. He'll begin to put two and two together. The more pleasure he gives YOU, the more he'll get in return. But it has to start somewhere. At the rate your going though, that won't happen any time soon.
Hey people.
WE HAD SEX LAST NIGHT.
I still cannot believe it.
Anyway, I need to finish this project at work.
I will post a full update during lunch.
Mai
OK, my project if finally done.
So, now I have to ask. Those of you who have satisfying sex, how do you manage to about your business all day with the stupid grin on your face? Even my boss was asking what I was so happy about. :)
Anyhow, some time during the day yesterday I have finally decided to take that first step. So, I called my mom who watches out DDs and told her that I am working late. And since DH had a class after work and was also going to be late, kids spend the night at mom's. Then I got home about an hour before DH and took a long shower, shaved my legs (for the first time since probably April), and was kind of rehearsing in my head what I wanted to say to DH when he got home. He got home right when I came out of the shower.
He changed his clothes and promptly planted his butt in front of the computer. So, I asked him to move to the couch and that I wanted to tell him something, as which point he had a look of 'What have I done now?'
Then, I told him how sorry I was for rejecting him the night before, and then proceeded to talk about how great our relationship is and how much we love each other, and how much I want to fix our intimacy issues. Oh the look of shock on his face. Then DH was also saying how we both came into this relationship with a lot baggage and how we both find it difficult to express ourselves. So, I finished the conversation with a promise to him that I will step out of my comfort zone and do what ever it takes to make this work, but I needed a willing partner. He was all for it.
At that point he had no idea what to do next. I think that if I would have walked away, he would not have even protested. So, I straddled him and proceeded to tell him in his ear how much I love him, and how have been in love with since the first time we met, and how hot he makes me. And then I went through a long list of things that he does that I absolutely adore and crave. The best part was that as I was saying them he was doing them. Kissing my mouth, neck, ears, breasts and nipples. Massaging my back and my butt, etc. At that point he was 'standing' at attention and then started telling me things he loves about me. I think this was the first time in his live he has ever expressed himself like that. I must say, it sounded a bit forced at first, but then when he said that I and only I make him rock hard, there was not more awkwardness left. Then we moved to the bedroom. And after a while longer of kissing and caressing I got him to move down to my tits. Now, this is a self proclaimed boob man who has a pair of DDD to play with. Oh my. That was so good. I had to coach (through gentle suggestions and descriptions of some moves and lots of moaning) him through it a bit as I liked to start slow and then go harder. In the end it was excellent and we both have enjoyed it. Mind you, I have never coached him through anything before. It was so liberating to actually ask him to do a certain things and then to get them as oppose to just hope he would do something and then being disappointed. Duhh…
After that I asked him to tell me what he wanted me to do to him. After a bit of hesitation, he told me that missed 'those mind blowing BJ's I used to give him' (that was a direct quote). I was more then happy to oblige and DH got his first BJ since 1999. I must say that I have enjoyed it thoroughly. I even managed to get him to last longer then I would have expected and be able to control his orgasm. Oh such a joy. He even warned me when he was going to cum. I don't know what he expected since I used to swallow before, but never really liked it, so I just kind let it dribble out of my mouth and rubbed it in while he was finishing. Hhmm, I should ask him tonight what he thought of that. Then I was a bit surprised when he kissed me on the mouth after that. I don't remember if he used to do that before or not.
Overall, physically I only got some back rubs and boob play out it, and I got to give BJ which I love. But emotionally I am a very happy girl. Now, my next step and to find out his feeling towards my vagina and clit and the rest. I really don't feel like I can let him anywhere near there until I know how feels about and what he is and is not willing to do and learn. This is the main reason our sex sucks and I am still very much reserved and protective of that area. However, I was so turned on by the whole encounter we had, that I got so wet like I have never been in my life before. I was almost dripping down my thighs. I tried to get my self off after that, but couldn't so now, almost 24 hours later, I am still feeling it all and I need to finish. Only one more hour of work left.
I even send him a very naughty text message today. He did not reply, but I think he is still in shock. I told him that I am tired of suppressing who I am and want to be free to express my self and my desires. He was all for it, but I don't think he has any clue as to what he is in for. Lucky him. ;)
So, did I do OK?
Mai
Edited 8/1/2006 7:03 am ET by maichik1