When can I try again
Find a Conversation
| Tue, 01-30-2007 - 9:25am |
Hello All,
I am very new to the whole discussion board, so please bear with me......
I am need of a little help. I have been seeing my boyfriend for a couple of months. We have known each other for two years, but just started gettting serious with each other. We had decided to wait to have sex for a little bit, but continued to do other things.... Those other things were VERY hot and heavy and very sexual.... you knew that there was some chemistry there. I am a little vocal and such when I am into it, he told me that no other girl has been that way with him and he was loving it. So we finally get to the point where we are going to have sex, and we both were a little nervous (him much more then myself). So we do a little foreplay which was great and we are at that point and he goes soft. So we chalked it up to him being nervous.....
So a little time goes by (about a week) and we decide to try again.... foreplay great, sex getting ready soft again. Okay at this point I am feeling a little like it is me, but after thinking about it, I have concluded that he is attracted to me or he would not be hard while we kiss. He says it is in his head (this is what I think.... part because he is a little intimidated because I am a little more experienced and part because of what I said above about being the only girl and I am hot (had to give myself a little bit)).
So we talked about it a little bit and decided that we were not going to try again for a little while.... actually that was me that said that because I did not want to try again and it not work. Okay I have realized that he thinks about it all day every day and it is really bothering him. I am ready to give it another go.....
When is to soon to try again? Do we talk about it first and then go? Should I just start it without talking about it so he is not so nervous? Please help with any and all advice, this is the only thing that is not great and wonderful with our relationship.
Thanks

First of all, you're right. This has nothing to do with you, at least directly. He's nervous, he's intimidated by your "experience", and he's got "performance anxiety". It also sounds like you're the one initiating things (when can I try again).
Why not let him try when HE's ready (and you can tell him that) and at that point, if it happens again, then what's wrong with you taking matters into your own hands (literally), and bringing him back to life again! It's not at all unusual for a guy to lose it during foreplay, and usually all it takes is slowing down and working on it.....manually or orally.
If he can't get another erection, then go back to foreplay, and if all else fails, then help him finish without intercourse. All the "other" hot and heavy foreplay should satisfy you before you ever get to intercourse.
This is a new relationship, and hot or not, he's nervous (normal in a new relationship) and if you don't make a big deal out of it, he'll get more relaxed, and things will work just fine.
Bell, if he is worried all the time about this problem, he is going to keep failing. It is a known fact that worrying about a problem like this causes it to happen. It is called a self-fulfilling prophecy. He has to stop worrying about it, which is harder than you think.
You have to tell him, that the more he worries about his losing his erection, the more it will happen. He has to get this problem out of his head and start thinking that it WON'T happen (easier said than done). Good luck on becomming his psychological consultant. Above all, never blame yourself for this.
Bell,
Do you think with your experience and his lack-of, that maybe you're coming off too pushy or dominant? Maybe you should give him the chance to be the dominant one; make him want you. Make him chase you. Here's an idea. Get together for a little movie and popcorn night at someone's home. Wear something that will show a little skin (I'm not talking lingerie, maybe a halter that will show cleavage and stomach, with a cute casual jacket over it). I know it will be hard to resist him, but kick back and relax. He'll start to check you out and eventually come around to making the moves. Do not move from your position. Let him get on top of you. Let him be forceful. Let him undress you. Just caress him and enjoy. Sometimes when someone is nervous and you let them be in charge, they become extremely turned on. And do not "talk" about sex, like "so hon, are you ready to try"? That will make him think about it and maybe lose it. Just let it happen. Give this idea a try and let us know the outcome. DO NOT be dominant. You can even roll-play and fantasize that he has all the experience. Good luck and have fun!!!