When to have "the talk" with kid's?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2003
When to have "the talk" with kid's?
11
Sat, 11-11-2006 - 11:48am
Ok my middle son came in on us this morning and it got me thinking when should we have the sex ed talk with him and his older brother they are 10 and 7 of course I think having daddy do it will be better they may feel more comfortable with daddy don't you think anyone have any ideas?
pregnancy
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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2006
Sat, 11-11-2006 - 7:12pm
Won't they get that at school?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2003
Sat, 11-11-2006 - 7:46pm
They don't have sex ed in the schools around here plus even if they did I don't think its the schools place to teach
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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2005
Sat, 11-11-2006 - 11:46pm

Though your children are close in age I would recommend having the talk with each one seperately. Reason being each need different information, the amount of detail needs to be different, and the attention span will be different.

The 7 year old I would keep the information simple, short, and to the point. I would avoid any lengthy explainations or any great detail. Once that conversation was over I would give him the opportunity to ask any questions without any pressure. He is not too young to have a basic discussion but his interest in the opposite sex has not really developed.

On the other hand the 10 year old I would begin give him a bit more information due to the fact he is getting close to entering adolescence, getting close to taking an interest in girls, and is becoming aware of "changes" that are occurring to some of the kids, primarily, girls in his class. Granted his full awareness may be 1 - 3 years off but it will give you the opportunity to develop a bond / trust with him before he gets to that age. Plus you may not be immediately aware of any changes so it give him some basic tools to help when he gets to that point in his life. The information I would include that was not included with the 7 year old would be a basic discussion on things like respondsibility, empathy, respect, feelings, love vs infatuation, and other relationship issues in additional to the talk about sex. I am not saying have a long drawn out discussion, present a dissertation on the subject to him, or show countless videos on the subject. However I am saying present information that is relevant to his age and give him the basic tools that he needs to prepare himself for the next stage in his life.

In regards to who does the discussion it really does not matter but the two of you (dh and yourself) need to be both engaged in it. If one of you does it while the other appears to be distant on this subject then you could be sending the wrong message about the subject to your children. It is important that they understand that the subject is not taboo and they can come to either one of you with any questions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Sun, 11-12-2006 - 12:15am

Sex education should start when they start asking questions.....SIMPLE questions, like where do babies come from. That can be at age 3 or 4. First and foremost, you should teach your children that closed doors (hopefully it was closed) mean that a person knocks and waits to be asked to come in. That can lead to a discussion about Mom and Dad, and "private time".

There's a lot more to sex than the birds and the bees. Your 10 year old probably already knows more than you think. Girls are starting their menstrual cycles at 9 & 10 these days! They know about the "physical" side of it. It's the emotions that they don't understand. Kids start LOTS younger these days. Twelve year old girls are giving boys oral sex! Twelve and thirteen year old girls are getting pregnant! Kids have to be taught about respect, of themselves and others. Kids have to be taught that they can come to Mom OR Dad with any questions they have, at any time. It shouldn't be all up to Dad, either.

It would be an ideal world if schools didn't HAVE to teach it, but unfortunately, there are kids out there that have parents that probably don't know the correct answers themselves, and just don't CARE. There's a school system in my area that is going to start Sex Ed in Kindergarten next year. Not the physical aspects, but starting with self respect and respect for the opposite sex. Obviously, they think it's necessary.




Edited 11/12/2006 12:17 am ET by dakine001
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Sun, 11-12-2006 - 9:57am

Sex ed is usually taught in junior high but sex ed SHOULD start at home.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Sun, 11-12-2006 - 10:14am

I believe when kids ask a question, they are old enough to be told, of course with age appropriate answers.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2004
Sun, 11-12-2006 - 10:36am

Girls menstruate as early as 9 today. I discussed reproduction with them and why they get their periods (I have two daughters) when I felt that they could understand. At around that age they both discussed masturbation as well. Amazing how "guilty" they felt (when we never put such thoughts in their head) about it. I just assured them that there was nothing to be ashamed of. That it's perfectly natural and most people pleasure themselves. Sexual diseases were discussed at length in school and at home at a young age, along with pregnancy as well.

I have always had a great relationship with my daughters. I have always told them that they could discuss anything with me. My older daughter took this literally and told me all about her experimenting. I explained to her that she didn't "need" to tell me everything. ;-)

I think that you should approach sex in a manner that will not intimidate them and yet will let them feel that you are comfortable discussing it. Look, listen and observe. Let them know that you're there if they need you.

When you said your middle son "came in on us" do you mean that he saw the two of you having sex? I may be mistaken.....but I think it went over everyone's head.... ;-)

Imagination is more important than knowledge." (Albert Einstein )
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Sun, 11-12-2006 - 12:26pm

I caught it which is why I said that children should be taught about "privacy". If a door is closed (and hopefully it was) children should be taught early on that you don't just walk into a room with the door closed.....they should KNOCK! Maybe that's not sex, but it's common sense.....

I don't think there should be "a talk"......it should be taught in bits and pieces from the time they start asking questions. The answers have to be age appropriate, of course, but that teaches them that they can be open, that there's nothing to be "ashamed" of, and there's nothing they can't ask their parents. As they learn more, they'll ask more, if they're confident they'll get an answer.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2006
Mon, 11-13-2006 - 11:56pm

This may not be the right approach with many kids, but I know that even though I had a very good relationship w/my mother, I was also VERY shy, so it was good for me.

Angela

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2003
Tue, 11-14-2006 - 6:08am

Thank everyone me and dh have decided to play it by ear if they ask,we will tell kind of thing and as they get older im sure they will have more and more questions right now they haven't ask anything even the 7 year old that walked in on us having sex hasn't said anything

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