when is it erectile dysfunction?
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| Thu, 10-14-2004 - 12:04am |
Well I should start my question by saying that I am not very experienced with sex in general. I have had two partners. My current boyfriend and I have been sleeping together for about 2-3 months. I am confused about our sex life.
On the one hand: we are very intimate in the emotional/physical mix. Anytime we're near each other, we're holding hands/resting on the shoulder/curled up together. This has stayed the case since we started dating...I truly just can't keep my hands off him. Kissing is absolutely wonderful for both of us. Anytime he touches me, it is a turn on. Anytime we sleep together, it's spooning all night. That aspect of it is great
On the other hand: the sex itself is not quite clicking. He doesn't maintain an erection very well, it takes him a long time to orgasm (even from oral sex), and I have yet to find a single "magic button" move that turns him on. To compound this problem, I have my own problems orgasming that I don't know what is going on. So between the two of us, it is not unheard of for us to start sex that leads... nowhere for either of us.
I am grateful just to be close to him. Although I enjoy sex quite a bit and would like to orgasm, I have made it very clear (in these exact words) that the orgasm is not the end all be all of sex. He says he understands but still seems to take it as his responsibility to get me to orgasm (thus the vicious cycle of tension and pressure). Meanwhile, I feel the same way in reverse: like I am doing something wrong that he can't keep his orgasm and that I can't come. What is a normal "turned on" level for a guy? My previous boyfriend was "on" whenever he felt like it and said anytime he wanted to, he was able to orgasm -- he'd just wait until I came first. I am not used to the orgasm process being long (or not happening) for a guy. Does this indicate a medical problem? He's 27.
I have tried some very direct questions phrased in friendly ways, "so what turns you on?" or "what makes you feel good?" both before, after, and during the act. His response is generally... a little bit of silence, and then something like "pretty much everything" or "you do" or something like that. I know he enjoys sex, but I feel that I am not meeting his as-of-yet unknown needs, and I am starting to wonder if it could be medical.
Help! How do you know when to be concerned about a potential medical problem? How do you get a guy to let you know what turns him on if he doesn't give an answer when you ask directly? This is not an easy conversation to have with the guy himself unless you're sure you want to bring it up
Thank you for your help

Anne, I'm certainly no dr. but I don't think this is a case of erectile dysfunction based on the info. you provided. Particularly, because of your BF's age. There are so many things that can cause delayed orgasm and erectile problems for men and the same is true for women but most of the time it's communication and emotionally related, not physically.
IMO, I think this is simply a case of expectations causing fear and insecurity for both of you. You mentioned the "tension and pressure" yourself.
Frankly, if it were me and my DH, we would take a break from all that tension (as well as masturbation) for awhile and allow our hormones and sexual attraction do the "work" for us.
It's also possible that he's masturbating habitually when he's not with you and therefore, finding it difficult to perform adequately when he is. And sometimes, in doing so, men can train themselves to respond to their own manual stimulation only. The only way to know if that's a contributing factor though, is to ask.
Make sure that any meds. he's using aren't part of the problem as well....many anti-depressants and anti-anxiety drugs have sexual side effects.
And if you still find the same problems after that, then get it out there and discuss it openly. Communication is key to great sex so don't create a problem where there is one, but when a real problem is evident, tackle it head on. And if necessary because of past history of difficulty, suggest that he get an physical exam.
Edited 10/14/2004 11:47 am ET ET by katmandoo2001
Hi anne:
Since you stated
First of all, significant erection issues may be medical or physiological or just plain psychological too. Its up to you to do the investigating on this, or preferably, you two together.
Check on any meds he may be taking and consult your family doctor on whether that may have any side affects, particularly in bed. For me AND my wife, play a major role because of our busy schedules, so keep that possibility in mind too. Sometimes work or friends or ANY issue that weighs heavily on the mind will be an unrecognized factor of erection issues as well. If it continues in significant fashion, then I suggest playing it safe and consulting the family doctor about it.
Only remedy for fatigue that has worked for us Paras is the sensual massages that we give each other in low candlelight with smooth music or even nature sounds on the stereo. This helps us relax each other and wind down from the 'hecticness' and most importantly brings our focus back on to just each other and involves so much sensual body contact too. She & I have much more fun with using those great flavored edible oils while body massaging.
It may be more helpful to focus on orgasm/s prior to any intercourse. Once you're so pleasured and aroused by the time intercourse comes along, that could 1) make it easier for you to enjoy the intercourse that much more afterwards, and 2) boost his overall confidence in pleasing you, even if its just a little, and help him relax and enjoy more of the sex afterwards as opposed to 'worrying' about it. Also, has he mentioned whether or not he enjoys foreplay on enough, including oral? Sometimes we men need our engines started too, lol, and can't just jump right to it without some foreplay on sometimes. ;)
For those who may be reading and wondering more, perhaps checking out the following link would help couples with better success in identifying the woman's pleasure zones and advice on how to use them:
http://www.the-clitoris.com/
Hope this helps.
C h a r a c t e r
above all else
Mr. Para
C H A R A C T E R
I do have one more specific question (and I would be interested to hear a man's perspective). If it ever does get to the point where I think there is a problem, what is the easiest way/time to broach the subject? Clearly right after is a potentially stressful moment. I can't picture how to say "so have you thought about the possibility that your lack of ability to hold an erection might be medical?" in a gentle way. It seems like it would a sensitive issue.