When sex in marriage becomes nonexistent

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2005
When sex in marriage becomes nonexistent
10
Tue, 06-07-2005 - 2:08pm

I have been married for three and half years to a wonderful guy. However, one night about five months into our marriage, when we were about to make love, he suddenly lost his erection. I didn't think it was a big deal at the time but it has now become a huge problem. At that time, he had been under a lot of pressure because of graduate school exams and such so he attributed the problem to stress. I started to noticed that after this night, our very health sex life started to dwindle down to the point of MAYBE twice a year. I have become extremely confrontational and angry when it comes to this situation. He says that ever since that night he has become paranoid and has even begun to loose interest in having sex. To make matters even worse, we had sex last year in March and I ended up pregnant. I haven't had sex ever since. He says he wants to but he doesn't really make an effort. I preformed oral sex on him a few months ago but because I was on my period there was no reciprocation. That was the last time I've had an sexual encounter with him.

I've had him followed and he's not having an affair. He's gone to the doctor and has checked out okay. The doctor prescribed Viagra, which helped but he says he doesn't need it because it's a "mental thing" that he can work out. I'm about to file for divorce and I told him yesterday. He's really distraught and so am I. I can't continue to live with someone who holds out for no apparent reason.

Any suggestions would be a great help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2003
Tue, 06-07-2005 - 2:35pm

Whoa!

"I can't continue to live with someone who holds out for no apparent reason. "

I see lots of reasons!

I would reccomend you try the Clashing Libidos board here on IVillage - *before* your divorce. (The link is in my profile)

Good luck.

 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2003
Tue, 06-07-2005 - 2:46pm

Stonegoldlarel,

Has the stress lessened since the time that he originally had the problem? DOes he take any meds for depression or anything else? All of those things are a factor, and hopefully his doctor discussed that with him.

With a lot of guys, they have a problem once and the anxiety surrounding having the problem again becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. In other words, they become stressed by the fear of not being able to perform, so they can't perform. He seems to recognize that by saying it's all "mental". However, my guess is that he doesn't want to take the viagra because he believes on some level that the viagra represents failure, or old age, or inadequacy. However, if in fact the problem he is having is performance anxiety, the viagra just might give him the confidence to "get back on the horse" (no pun intended) and have some success. Success is the key to continued success when it comes to sex. I realize that this is a bit of a catch 22 on both ends. Ultimately though, he needs to accept that he needs help with this and that it is affecting his relationship.

Good luck.
Scott.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Tue, 06-07-2005 - 4:13pm

No apparent reason? How about being attacked by an angry and confrontational wife? How about being followed in case you're cheating. Those sound like pretty good reasons to me! How's that working for you so far?

Maybe a little understanding would go a lot further with him. Maybe the fact that there's a lot more to a marriage than sex would make you think twice about a divorce without trying to FIX the problem.

It sounds like you've got him so paranoid by his failure that he doesn't even want to try to fix things. I think you BOTH need some counselling to find out what's REALLY going on. There are more problems here than the lack of sex! Something is going on outside the bedroom to cause him problems.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2005
Tue, 06-07-2005 - 5:13pm

Thank you for your reply. I see your point about a few things. However....

I didn't start attacking him until recently. I agree that I should not attack him but I'm honest and I feel that, at this point, his lack of initiative to fix things aggravates the situation hence my attacks.

He didn't know that I had him followed. But I do think I had every right to do so since he hadn't touched me in two years. I admit it wasn't the smartest thing. But I needed some type of explanation. Understand, I dated him for ten years, got married and never had a problem with sex. Then suddenly and it was sudden, we reached five months of marriage and boom he stops having sex with me.

I have been patient and understanding. I have talked to him and not pressured him over the past two years but my patience is running at an all time low. Like I said, I didn't think it was a big deal. He's makes it a big deal by not doing anything about it. It's not easy to be on the receiving end in this situation. I'm sure it's hard for him too. That's why I posted my message. I'm looking for a solution. I don't want to get divorced but I don't want to live with a husband who treats me like a roommate.

I have in the past suggested counseling but he doesn't want to talk about it. It was hard enough getting him to the doctor. He knows there's a problem but his response to me when I suggest counseling is that his situation will go away eventually.

The bottom line is that I understand there is more to marriage then sex. You don't spend thirteen years with someone and not understand that. But you can't deny that sex is not an important part of marriage. My frustration is more with him not wanting to talk about what's going on, refusing to see a doctor again, not wanting to see a counselor and not initiating or following through with his "I know there's a problem, I will handle it" statements.

I appreciate your honesty and advice but try not to blame me so much. I'm not looking to pin the blame, I'm looking for a suggestion that will help me fix my relationship. Even though I'm angry with my husband I don’t speak to him in a hurtful manner. It’s a sensitive subject any way you look at it for both of us.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Tue, 06-07-2005 - 5:23pm

<<>>


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-07-2005 - 5:35pm

I sympathize with your situation, stonegoldlarel. It's got to be very frustrating trying to figure out what's going on with your marriage, when your DH isn't willing to help.

Try and impress on him just how serious you are about divorce and that HE holds the key to your future together. He can either seek counseling with you or throw away a perfectly good relationship because he won't ask for help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2005
Tue, 06-07-2005 - 9:46pm
Hold off on the divorice. If your problems are only what you decribed then some really good therapy should help. The problems with sex are the symptoms of bigger issues that need to be dealt with. A good idea is to take the intimacy out of the bedroom, connect with your husband without the expectation of sex. Take the pressure off, it is only making matters worse. Reconnect with your feelings of why you married him in the first place and let him know you still love him for those reasons. spend time together just enjoying each others company. You may have to get to know each other again. Don't give up so easily, I think the trouble in bed has put alot of distance between you. Take it slow and as you work things out the sex will return. It will be awesome. No more talk of divorce untill your have put the work into your marriage that it deserves. If it were easy to commit yourself to another person and deal with thier crap as well as your own, more people would still be married. Good luck! I'm cherring for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Tue, 06-07-2005 - 9:47pm

Oh dear. This post of yours is so different to the one that you put on Dr Ruth's board. http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlruth&msg=4586.1&ctx=0

In the above post you said that he wants marriage counselling but you are against it. In this post you are making him out to be the bad guy for not addressing issues.

What's really going on?

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Tue, 06-07-2005 - 11:15pm

I think that you've got to get it out of your head that he is "holding out". There is something going on that has given him, basically, a mental block. He's not holding out, he simply can't make his penis do what he wants it to do.

Viagra helps a physical problem and is really no use if the problem is mental. He has even admitted that it is a mental thing and I think that he is probably aware that Viagra won't help - and that's why he's not taking it. He also thinks that he can resolve whatever things are making him feel unhappy or stressed. Heck, he may not even really KNOW what the problem is.

I can understand why you are upset and angry, but I think that you should work at this a while longer if you are truly happy with the marriage in general, if not the sex specifically. There is a good chance that this can be worked out with some counselling. Normally I'd suggest that the two of you talk this through and try to be totally open and honest with one another. In your case, it's gone too far for this and I believe that you will need a counsellor there to help the two of you work through the issue.

What exactly is the issue? Well, it's almost certainly got very little to do with sex. You say you are happy with the marriage, but in these situations it's usually got something to do with how he feels about something in the marriage and about something that is happening between the two of you. For example, you seem very confrontational and angry. He might feel uncomfortable if you get angry and confrontational with him, or other people in normal day to day situations. His discomfort manifests itself as his inability to get as aroused and as erect as he wants to.

Another example, is the classic case of a "submissive" husband with a "dominant" wife - she gets to do everything that she wants to, and he meekly agrees to everything. In that case his unhappiness and disatisfaction manifests itself as an inability to get an erection again.

Do you see what I mean? It's not that he doesn't find you attractive, or that he is having sex with someone-else, it's all about the dynamics in the relationship and marriage.

And what's happening with these different posts? If he wants to go to a marriage counsellor together I strongly suggest that you do. If you don't want a marriage counsellor because you think that the marriage part is OK because it's a sexual or health issue, I think that you have to reconsider your opinion. The problem is almost certainly part of the marriage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Tue, 06-07-2005 - 11:37pm

I was about to apologize to you for being too hard on you, until I read the post that you put on the other board.....which is somewhat different than what you said here. Here you say that he won't talk about counselling, on the other board you say that he offered to go to counselling but you don't want to because you don't need "marriage counselling", you need sex.

Are you not aware that there are deep problems in your MARRIAGE...and the lack of sex is merely one of the symptoms of whatever those problems are? I suggested that in my first post to you.....the lack of sex is usually NOT about sex, but about other problems.

I'm sensing what the other poster mentioned......that you're a very "strong" woman, and I think maybe your husband has just become intimidated by you, and doesn't know how to reclaim his manhood.

If you want sex, then you need to fix whatever else is wrong, and it sounds like that requires counselling. If you want this marriage to survive, then you need to stop being so hard headed about the sex issue, and admit that there are other problems, and be willing to WORK on your marriage as a whole. Does it scare you that you might find out that some of the problem is yours, not his? If you don't try to work on it, your marriage might become just as non existant as your sex life.