Where do I begin?

Avatar for kate9735
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Where do I begin?
6
Sat, 12-23-2006 - 2:24am

Hello everyone,

I've posted on various boards on iVillage, and I've always appreciated the support and advice I've received.

But wow. I'm really not sure if I'm on the right board with this question, so bear with me!

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years. I'm 23, him 24. We have a lot of bedroom problems: our sexual personalities don't mesh, etc. But we are completely incapable of addressing these concerns.

He was raised in a Fundamentalist Christian household and was homeschooled. His sex education (from what little I can gather) consisted of his mother forcing him to picket abortion clinics with her. I was raised in a nonreligious household, but my parents didn't even give me the "talk" about sex. I think they assumed my public school education would teach me everything.

Talking about sex terrifies me. The few times my boyfriend's mentioned sex to me, I've realized that, despite having sexual partners before me, he doesn't seem to really know much about it. He certainly knows what "horny" is, and "screwing" and "dick" and "boobs." But little beyond that.

And I don't hold this against him. I love him, I know he loves me, and I want him to be happy, but I don't know how to address all these problems with a man who learned his sexual vocabulary by watching Beavis and Butthead. I don't hold this ignorance against him. I know underneath that MTV-rattled brain is a man with a true heart.

My question: What can I possibly say to him to help us communicate openly? I have my opinions and ideas for making our sex life better, but when it comes time for me to suggest them, I clam up and get scared that his harsh "tits boobs screwing dick suck do it" language will discourage me from being honest and open.

What's a good way to get this dialogue rolling?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2006
Sat, 12-23-2006 - 6:23am

Hello kate9735

How interesting to find you are from Nebraska. My dearest male friend and mentor lived for some time in Omaha, and speaks fondly of his time there. Now to your question. Perhaps I am confused. Do you find the words, "suck, dick,ect" offensice or just juvenile? What ever your answer, dialogue has to start on common ground. Nations would never make international treaties work if they didn't stop and take time to serch for common dialogue. If t is necessary to meet him on his terms just to start, then perhaps you may find it helpful to learn to use those words as a beginning point, and build up to more advanced terms. I noticed those words were mostly words that males use as they are maturing into men. Help him learn that female genitals are called "vagina" and not "pu**y"

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Sat, 12-23-2006 - 9:06am

What you have is an emotionally and socially immature adult. I disagree with the previous poster....it's not going to do any good to take yourself down to his level.

One of you has to "take the bull by the horns".....and if you can't do it.....he's sure not going to. At this point, you two are sexually incompatible. Suggest couples counselling to get the help you both need. If he doesn't agree, then you're going to have to address the issues.....or learn to live with his immature ideas about sex. A relationship with no communication isn't going to last.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Sat, 12-23-2006 - 10:10pm

I agree with Dakine, you should not


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2004
Tue, 12-26-2006 - 3:41am
When I was your age couples bought a book and used that as a ice breaker. Most often it was the Joy of Sex. Today you have the internet at your finger tips. Find articles and pictures online and share them with your boyfriend.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2005
Tue, 12-26-2006 - 4:13am
I do not believe it is so much about words but feel it is more about actions. The way I would recommend starting is taking more of an open approach to sex and start talking about situations. When he uses a word from Beavis and Butthead maybe try rephrasing it with the correct termonology or ignore what he said. It is not the easiest thing to do but one of you will have to take a lead on this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 1:52pm

At 24 he is capable of learning how he should speak about sex when he's talking to you. I don't think that he should immediately start sounding like a prim and proper News Announcer when discussing sex with you but he should be able to start using the "proper" words virtually immediately. The direction has to come from you though. Unless he knows that you do not like the words that he uses, then he has no motivation to change. He may even think that you find those words perfectly acceptable. Slang words also provide a shield of humour when talking about sex. Using the proper words makes the conversation seem more serious so he may use the slang so that he can humorously dismiss the conversation if he gets a bad reaction from you. Unfortunately he probably doesn't realise that it isn't the conversation that might offend you, it's the words themselves!
Just tell him that you find those words a little immature and would prefer that he uses the correct terms. If he doesn't get it, tell him that those particular words and phrases make you feel like you're discussing a Beavis and Butthead episode and not the love and respect that the two of you have for each other.

Other than that, talk to him openly and without embarrassment and don't be judgemental. The biggest thing stopping him talking openly about sex between the two of you is fear of embarrassment - embarrassment from using the "rude" words in a real conversation, embarrassment from talking about sex and his own sexual desires with a woman, fear of rejection and ridicule from you about something that he's saying and the things that he likes and wants in the bedroom and is trying to tell you about. It may take some time but eventually he'll find it easier to use the "rude" words and really say what he feels as he overcomes the "talking-about-sex" taboo and language barrier.