Who is more to blame in having an affair

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Who is more to blame in having an affair
144
Sun, 09-05-2004 - 11:03am

Who is more to blame in having an affair



  • The "other" woman/man
  • The one who is in a relationship
  • Both parties involved are equally responsible


You will be able to change your vote.



bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2004
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 10:13am
This is a reply to all the posters: I think most of the cheating-is-the-devil people are not very self aware. One of the last posts Tish suggested that Carla had her opinion only because her lifestyle depended on cheaters. The obvious point is that Tish's lifestyle is dependant on a faithfull husband, so she, and all the other married posters, have opinions that are just as biased, if not more so, by their own fears and desires. Tish's posts conveyed to me a stridentd and lecturing tone, which is very unlike her, and that indicates to me that I'm right. As to those who dumped on Carla for saying that most men cheat, well the evidense suggests that she is right. A study in the States in 1990s found that by age 40 about 50 to 65 percent of husbands and 45 to 55 percent of wives become involved in an extramarital affair. That means most.

This all or none outlook about respect etc is a pretty juvenile way to view the world. If a woman is sleeping with another woman's husband and she phones her house and harasses her, then that is definately more disrespectfull than if she had not done that. Of course that is the case. Sheesh.

To the poster who said that a one night stand is an affair: No it's not. It is adultery and cheating but by definition not an affair. An romantic/sexual affair is a relatively long term ongoing relationship outside of marriage (either premarital or extramarital).


As for my opinion on this issue

Responsibility of cheating spouse: Most (obviously since they are the one who made a comitment in adition to whatever duties of respect owed to others. They have just as much of this responsibility as the extramarital person).

Responsibility of the third person: Some, It is important to acknowledge that one spouse doesn't "own" the other as has been suggested. They are their own person, and their relationship is not the responsibility of the third party except to the extant that it is a selfish to sleep wiht someone elses partner.

Responsibility of the spouse that has been cheated on: some (but usually less than above)

- This person has a responsibility to make help make the relationship one in which their partner can find comfort and hapiness and fullfillment. In some cases they fail and should be prepared for the relationship to suffer and all that entails.

JMHO

-phat

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2004
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 11:19am
The third party should not be to blame AT ALL. EVERY marriage is going to have problems; I don't care who you are. EVERYONE has to come up with solutions to fix the problems in their marriage. I am not going to say that the third party could not be partially at blame for problems in the marriage. But the are absolutely NOT responsible for the first party (cheater) seeking someone else outside of the marriage. That is THEIR choice. They also could choose to solve the problems in a better more beneficial way, such as counseling. The problem with society today is that everyone wants an easy fix. People just aren’t willing to work on the marriages. But instead of being accountable for the mistakes they make, people like you are willing to shift the blame and say- well maybe you were driven to this point. THAT’S NOT AN OPTION... It should never have been an option. The fact that it is speaks volumes of the degradation of our society (IMHO)
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2004
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 11:43am
Simply because American's values are disintegrating, is certainly of NO reflection upon those who still uphold them. In other words, what other's do and how they live their lives have little or no effect on how I live mine. Those numbers are not surprising, since society as a whole in the past generations has become all about 'me, myself and I. I call it the 'entitlement' generation. They may be taking over, but they don't have any effect on those who would never cheat, no matter what the marital situation.

If a woman calls the man she's cheating with's home, she is NO MORE disrespectful than had she not. In fact, I would probably interpret it as a friendly gesture...you know...sort of a 'heads up.' I'd probably thank her.

"To the poster who said that a one night stand is an affair: No it's not. It is adultery and cheating but by definition not an affair. An romantic/sexual affair is a relatively long term ongoing relationship outside of marriage (either premarital or extramarital)."

There are many affairs that are based ONLY on SEX and last for months. There is no love, simply lust. For me, I see no difference in having sex once or 1,000 times...the same, the same, the same.

As for your opinions, the wife may be responsible for none, some, or all of the problems in their marriage, but she is certainly NOT responsible for his decision to have sex with someone else. The other woman is not responsible for his actions either, however, the truth of the matter is, if there were no "other woman" to be had, then there'd be no cheaters. If there were no "other woman" then what you'd have left are those who have to face the piper....either fix your marriage or get out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 12:14pm
>>><<<<<<>>Sheesh! Whatever girlie. Lecture on. I don't care.<<

Since when is stating your opinion lecturing? Obviously you two don't agree, but there is no need to label it a lecture because you don't agree. I have not seen her say anyhting about you personally, so don't get so defensive. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Ok I don't think you should disagree with their disagreement!>>

Well, I don't think you should disagree with my disagreeing!! LOL

Leticia

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 12:20pm
Jeez! What am I? Fresh meat here? Hah-hah. Go for the kill, go for the kill ... a new person with "different" opinions. All kidding aside, I never said I condone anyone cheating in a marriage or in a relationship, I have been with several men who do cheat on their wives and was only telling what I've witnessed and what they have told me. Take a chill pill people. I'm not trying to change the world here. Hah-hah.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 12:23pm
It was a lecture of her opinion. How's that? I didn't even read the whole thing. Anything beyond two paragraphs takes up way too much time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 12:24pm
I think you two have WAY too much time on your hands.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 12:25pm
Man, you guys are really uptight on this board. Loosen up a bit, would ya?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 1:01pm
>>I think you two have WAY too much time on your hands.<<

That's funny coming from someone who has posted WAY more than me on this thread :P

Leticia

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2004
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 1:17pm
Condone:

To overlook, forgive, or disregard (an offense) without protest or censure.

How is it that you can have sex with another woman's husband, commit adultery, and then say that you don't condone it? If you walk the walk.....

You're not changing the world...in fact, prostitution is one of the oldest professions in the world. In fact, did you know that since the 1960's(the sexual revolution), prostitution has been on a steady decline. The most logical reasons I could think of is that men are getting all the sex they could possibly want, and women are insatiable! Of course, the infidelity rate is high, but that's just the aftershock of the sexual revolution. Many women who didn't get to experience sex for just sex, don't want to die only having one sexual partner(like many young men feel), and many of the men are cheating because they want intimacy(much like many women). The roles are reversing it seems. My theory is that once all of this works out, society will be in a better place. Many young have good values today. They know that they have to work hard towards a good career and that can take years. Both sexes(have the same choices) will have a good mixture of sowing their oats as well as developing relationships with the opposite sex, so that when they're good and ready to settle down, they'll savor the intimacy and physical love of what true relationshps are all about. For the first time in history, men and women will have come from similar sexual backgrounds(sexual freedoms) and many of the sexual hang-ups of the past will be just that, a thing of the past. So, your opinion that the other woman shouldn't be held responsible for the husband's cheating is one of which I agree, so it's not "different", just as prostitutes are not different. They've been around since the beginning of time. Obviously, if more men are cheating, it's not with prostitutes(or prostitution would have increased not decreased), it's more with the average woman, because the average woman has finally "come out."




Edited 9/9/2004 1:23 pm ET ET by sexismyforte

Pages