Who is more to blame in having an affair

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Who is more to blame in having an affair
144
Sun, 09-05-2004 - 11:03am

Who is more to blame in having an affair



  • The "other" woman/man
  • The one who is in a relationship
  • Both parties involved are equally responsible


You will be able to change your vote.



bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 8:43pm

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bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 8:49pm

You wouldn't stay, understandable. But would you blame the person he was with if he did cheat? Not a call girl.. lets say, a woman he works with. You have talked to her a few times, but you are not exactly

  

   who_reallyknows

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 9:01pm
This is what I have heard over and over again. You are right! Your wife broke your wedding vows, long before you're mind crept into thinking "What if I did 'get with' someone else". I don't think cheating is right at all, not even in your case, but I understand it a lot better than most women. And as another poster mentioned somewhere in here, if my guy were to cheat on me down the road, it definitely wouldn't be for lack of sex or quality of sex. It would be because he was a dawg. And I'd leave him - flat out.

Your wife has made your sexual life miserable - in turn making your whole life miserable. You didn't marry a Mommy. You married a woman who once was into you and the relationship. If you ever were to step out on her and she was hurt over it, she'd would be a ridiculous woman. Women KNOW how they are, how they act to they're man. If they can get away with it, they will. You're only alternative, sans talking to her a few more times about it, is to stay in a sexless marriage or divorce. Divorces suck though because then the kids get all screwed up. My heart goes out to ya!

Hey - I've just about talked myself out of a committed relationship. Hah!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 9:03pm
E-mail me if you want to talk. I can't handle all the repercussions on this board. Hah-hah. I'm really a nice person to talk to and I'll give it to ya straight.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 9:31pm

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 12:00am

Agree


To have the same opinion,

  

   who_reallyknows

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 10:21am
notgettingany,

OMG. I was really sad and frightened reading this post. My own husband could have written this just a few months ago. I have practiced (and believe in) attachment parenting, which includes having our children in bed with us. After having them, and staying home with them 24/7, my focus and priorities changed. I do not regret that. My children are the BEST, happiest, most well adjusted, kids I know.(yes, I'm biased) Outsiders have very often complimented me/them on their behavior. They are 6 and 9. (during much of this time we also cared for foster children, so we usually had 3 kids)

We both slept "on the edge of the bed" (weather there was a kid in the middle or not) for 6 years! We had sex once or twice a month, sometimes less, and he knew that it was usually more out of obligation than because I wanted/enjoyed it.

you wrote:

"When I came home from a difficult day at work, and really needed a hug, she was more concerned about doing the kids' homework for them (they were "A" students) or with the dinner burning."

This also was SO true for us! I just wasn't ready to give more when he came home, regardless of how much he needed me.

I wont pretend to know all the details about your sitituation but, I can try to give you some insight to how she is feeling. Caring for children takes a lot of enery, EMOTIONAL energy. She may have been working all day to meet the needs of your children. When you come home, she feels that she needs to meet your emotional needs as well. Many times, at least for me, there was nothing left to give.

I think what she needs, most of all is your support and understanding. Try to appreicate her for all she has done with your kids. Help her. Be with her, in a non-sexual way. She cares for others all day and needs someone to care for her.

I also felt very, very, very, guilty about the feelings and reactions I had towards my husbands advances. I knew that I was hurting him very badly. I knew he needed me too but, I just could not feel romantic towards him. I never stopped loving him but the flame definitely went out.

I could go on and on, but I wont since this thread is so full and this is off topic. Please feel free to email me if you want to discuss this further.

One reccomendation I have is for both of you to read "The Hidden Feelings of Motherhood" by Kathleen Kendal-Tackett. It really helped me realize that what I was doing and feeling was very normal.

I was fortunate that my husband was patient and remained faithful. It did finally pay off.

Good luck, and (((HUGS)))

Danielle

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2004
Sat, 09-11-2004 - 5:36pm

I totally agree with your position.

Love
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2004
Sat, 09-11-2004 - 5:44pm

If your husband cheated on you, you wouldn't think he is more at fault than the OW?

Love
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2004
Sat, 09-11-2004 - 5:48pm
An affair is only an outward sign of some other problem in the relationship.

The offender may not know how to aproach the issue, or it is not received by the SO or understood and dealt with properly by one or both.

I am currently on the edge of this situation and seeing a therapist. But if the SO does not want to cooperate and solve or come to a compromise with the issues at hand....then I will have an affair. Someone will want me for me. And appreciate me for me.

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