Who is more to blame in having an affair

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Who is more to blame in having an affair
144
Sun, 09-05-2004 - 11:03am

Who is more to blame in having an affair



  • The "other" woman/man
  • The one who is in a relationship
  • Both parties involved are equally responsible


You will be able to change your vote.



bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2004
Sun, 09-12-2004 - 12:13am
I'm confused, so I'm open to education.

For all of you who feel its more the fault of the imperfect spouse who was betrayed, my question is:

Why not just break the relationship and THEN move on as opposed to staying with someone you no longer care for and resorting to cheating???

What am I missing?

C h a r a c t e r


above all else


Mr. Para

 

C  H  A  R  A  C  T  E  R

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 09-12-2004 - 6:56am
I am not saying that the "imperfect" spouse is at fault; however, he or she may well be a contributing factor, without realizing it. Men and women are made differently - both emotionally and physically, and have different needs. We seldom realize what the true needs of our significant other really are.

In my opinion, there are many marriages where divorce is just waiting to happen. All that is needed is a catalyst, like in a chemical reaction. An unhappy wife starts talking to the plumber; an unhappy husband starts talking to a secretary at the office. An affair, or just a fling, starts. All of a sudden - maybe the grass is greener on the other side. A taste of what might have been. We all know, however, that in most cases, the grass is not greener, and the situation goes from bad to worse.

Marriage is a two-way street. For it to work, each party needs to contribute 100%. Marriage is not a 50/50 proposition.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2004
Sun, 09-12-2004 - 8:26am
<>

-I don't think anyone really feels this way. I think that some people (including myself) feel that SOMETIMES the betrayed spouse bears some responsibility for the deteriation of the relationship to the point where the other spouse feels like theironly chance or fulfilment is to look outside the partnership. That being said, I completely agree that it is far preferable to end the relationship, rather then cheat. I guess that the problem is that most people are either scared to leave or lacking in self control or both. Also there are a lot of people that just want to have sex with other people and can't/won't control themselves.

-phat

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Sun, 09-12-2004 - 11:14am
<<>>

bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Sun, 09-12-2004 - 1:52pm

For all of you who feel its more the fault of the imperfect spouse who was betrayed, my question is:


Why not just break the relationship and THEN move on as opposed to staying with someone you no longer care for and resorting to cheating???


  

   who_reallyknows

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Sun, 09-12-2004 - 2:19pm

I am currently on the edge of this situation and seeing a therapist. But if the SO does not want to cooperate and solve or come to a compromise with the issues at hand....then I will have an affair. Someone will want me for me. And appreciate me for me.


I have my reasons for staying, and still playing. What are yours?

  

   who_reallyknows

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Sun, 09-12-2004 - 7:21pm
Then there was definitely a problem in your marriage and it wasn't just lack of sex. When one partner is avoiding any type of intimacy and affection (nevermind sex) with the other, something is wrong. And going out and buying sex or finding a GF might have taken care of your urge, but it wouldn't have solved the problems which were a *lot* more than just no sex.

I can tell you from personal experience, when I didn't hug DH, when I tried to keep from touching him in bed, when I stayed up later so he would be asleep before I got there, when everything had a higher priority than him, I was filled with rage towards him due to his attitude towards me. It wasn't an unfounded rage, although he didn't see what *he* was doing wrong. I wasn't a very high priority in his life until he was horny. This was years ago and we have since worked all of it out - without going outside the marriage for sex - and things are *very* good. But it wasn't all as onesided as some people would have it seem, that I was just denying him sex just because I could. There are always two sides to it, and most times the lack of attention is a symptom of something deeper.

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 2:36pm
May I shed a little light at the end of the tunnel for those who are in a loveless, sexless, hopeless, yet comfortable marriage. (Comfortable meaning the bills are paid, you have a nice home, and maybe even "status").I was married to a woman to whom I constantly had to build and "rebuild" her self esteem. She was a cheater, not really for emotional needs, but to prove to herself that she was worthy of mens affection. She got from me help with the kids, house work,cooking, cleaning undying love and support, our sexlife the first few years was pretty good. There was absolutely no reason for her to go cold in our relationship. I begged her ,pleaded with her ..got her to counseling..nothing worked..I could/should have left her 15 years before I did, but I chose to stay so I could be around my daughter and see to her athletic career, which I knew she had great promise..We never fought and everyone thought we had a great marriage.(we knew better). After 24 years, and realizing I would never be happy with this woman..(and my kids college scholarship in hand) I told her I was leaving, and we needed to sell the house and go our separate ways. Before the divorce was actually final, I met a wonderful woman who was everything I always wanted in a woman..Our personalities matched, as well as our libido`s.

Question...was this cheating? Techniqucally I suppose it was. But since the marriage was all over except for the paperwork being finalized, I dont see it as cheating.

Sometimes people stay in sexless, affectionless, cold barron marriages for many reasons, but for me, I have never been happier, since I ended it and now Im remarried. My advice is give it all you have in your current marriage, but if that isnt enough, then get out. I never dreamed in a million years I`d be divorced and remarried, it was the hardest thing I ever did, but also the best thing I ever did,(for myself)







Question, Did I cheat..Technically, legally I may have..emotionally I did not.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2004
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 2:44pm
>>I don't think anyone really feels this way. I think that some people (including myself) feel that SOMETIMES the betrayed spouse bears some responsibility for the deteriation of the relationship to the point where the other spouse feels like theironly chance or fulfilment is to look outside the partnership.<<

Thanks for the replies people.

Phat, that makes sense and sounds like it kinda echoes what some others have tried to say also. However...

I actually DO think some people out there really really do put the blame on the betrayed spouse. Not only do they do that, but they ALSO actually why it is the "betrayed spouse's fault" at the same time. So I unfortunately do believe many people feel that way.

If THOSE people put the blame on the betrayed spouse, then why are THEY not ending the relationship since its not good enough for them anymore, instead of keeping someone they no longer want and then just going out and cheating? Blame the betrayed spouse for the deterioration of the relationship?, thats one thing, but going out and doing something on their own that FURTHER promotes problems???, and then BLAMING THE BETRAYED SPOUSE for it?!!, instead of letting go of the relationship and moving on to someone they DO want??!!

Okay, relationships these days are different because many views today compared to the old days are different. I recognize that, nuff said. LOL!

For those of us out there who still cling to the old ways of relationships, do you ever wonder what our kids are going to go through in 'another' 20 or so years from now???

C h a r a c t e r


above all else


Mr. Para

 

C  H  A  R  A  C  T  E  R

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 3:11pm
Back to the original question.. Its pretty simple..It depends on your point of view..lol Most of the blame has to lie with the cheater......There is an old saying," she drove him into the arms of another woman"..If you are open minded, there is some truth to that "old saying". "Sometimes, there could be some blame of the "innocent" spouse. For the "Other Woman", if there is full discloser, and she knows he is in a relationship (marriage)then some of the blame lay there too for her to be "available" to him.

In short, One person decides to cheat, two people decide to participate, and three parties are affected in one way or another.

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