Who would want me?
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| Sat, 03-17-2007 - 5:13am |
A little background. I'm divorced, and without going into details, I was cleaned out of my financial assets by the divorce. I'm 56, have no savings, no retirement fund, I have absolutely nothing financially besides my next paycheck...which is pretty pathetic, considering tbe odds of finding a decent job at my age. My ex has everything I spent a lifetime working for.
I didn't beat my wife, I'm not an alcoholic, I didn't cheat on her. She never told me why our marriage was so miserable that she had to get out.
I've thought of enrolling in an on-line dating service, but why spend money I don't have to present a picture of such a pathetic loser?
Befcore you answer, don't BS me. How many of you'd would truly...HONESTLY...want a man in my situation?
Greg

Greg,
From what little I've read about you, what I can gather is that you are not ready to date. You seem distraught that your wife left you (you were blindsided apparently), I get the impression that women scare you, and now you come across as not being happy with or even knowing who you are. Those are all indications that you are not ready for anyone. In other words, you will most likely project negativity and will scare any decent woman away anyhow. And then we all know you'll "think" that it's because you are not financially well off....when that wouldn't most likely be the case at all.
It's all well and acceptable for someone to "mourn" the death of their relationship....and we also all have "regrets" in our lives, but the **key,** Greg, is to **own** up to our mistakes and take responsibility for our situations. And that's what you need to do. It is not necessary for you to earn more money, you need to learn to earn some self-respect.
It is very empowering and very **attractive** when someone is of good character. Your character is not based on what you **do** but how you **do** it. For example....I work in a school. There is this Janitor there who is between 60 and 65. He talks about his wife and kids all of the time and how he made sure that his kids were educated. Although he is rueful that he didn't take other steps in life, he is proud and happy with who he is. You can't help but think "What a wonderful man." whenever you talk to him. You hear all of the time that "self-confidence" is attractive....and men are always confused as to what women mean when they mention it....well thats what it means....plain and simple. It's not about being the "best" of the "best" it's about liking who you are and accepting and **admitting** that you are human. "The meek shall inherit the earth." I personally am repelled by arrogance. I love people who are humble, as you never know what life has in store for you. To exploit what you've been blessed with naturally or even that which you have worked hard for.....seems to be a tempting the Gods. Arrogance is VERY unattractive.
For me, good character is not measured by the amount of money you earn, but by the means to which you've earned it. Unfortunately, in order to even survive with the bare minimum (shelter, food and clothing) today, we are forced to earn a fairly high income. Those who work "hard" may not even survive. I have seen it firsthand. There are immigrants that work 80 hours a week and earn $300.00 (and support six people). Are they of "less" character than let's say Brad Pitt? In my opinion, not at all. A man's (or woman's) character is not based on how much they are worth; but their worth based on how much character they espouse.
What you need to do, Greg, is to find yourself first and foremost. Work on your life. Get it to the point where you are happy. Even if you do not change jobs, learn to be content with what you have. Keep "trying" to look for one if that is what your goal is. Set goals and try and reach them (even if they seem fruitless). Don't be a quitter. I am new to my job (as I also own a small side business, but decided that I needed more in my life as my kids are grown). I have only worked there for five months. I am called Gump as everything I do turns to gold. My computer knowledge and all that I have learned in my business is being applied to this job and it's turning heads. But anyhow, even things that are not relative to my job have attracted people. There is this one person who has very little self-confidence. She compliments me all of the time about how much I do have. I said to her: "All that self-confidence is, is the lack of fear of failure." "I figure....oh...well...if this doesn't work, I'll try another route." "If I fail after many tries, then, I **accept** that I cannot succeed, but am **proud** that I gave it my best." I am going to be passing on a large project for her to do. She has expressed her usual "Don't give me anything....I don't like to work....BS...." (which I have come to see as a front to hide her insecurities) to which I responded "I am here....I will help you to understand each step of the project so that you will not be so overwhelmed." "Do not be afraid to fail....all I ask is that you give it your best." She has since been asking me when we are going to start. I am sure that she can do this job, and when she succeeds, it will work wonders for her self-esteem.
Anyhow...(sorry this is so long, but we are snowed in here in NY...so I'm relaxing...;-)), but to answer your question, Greg, I wouldn't be turned off by your income, but more by your self-pity. Get your act together. Get yourself ready for "dating." Set goals and **act** on them. I do not mean live a hectic and crazy life....but get busy. Clean up your home (throw out the clutter). Paint it (it's cheap). Clean yourself up. Get positive about your job, even if you hate it. Go to work with a positiive attitude, see if there is any room for "growing" within the company. If not...start looking for other routes to go as far as a step up. The key is not only to "accept" what life has thrown you, but also to tread on ahead. Make the "best" of what time you have. When you feel you are ready...post the ad. Be 100% honest about who you are but most importantly project that you are proud of who you are and you will attract the right woman. One word of advice though, do not even discuss your ex-wife unless you are asked. Do not make excuses for why you are in the financial situation that you are in, as you will be coming across as "bashing" your ex-wife. Even if she deserves to be bashed....don't go there. You do not sound bitter towards your ex-wife which is a good thing because, whether or not, if you bash her, you will come across as bitter and will disclose that you are still "affected" by her. You need to accept that things turned out the way they have, that there is "nothing" you can do about it now and that you are "letting it go;" that you have moved on and am NOW trying to make the best of the situation.
You are coming across or portraying yourself as a "bum" who is good for nothing....but if you are of good character, then you pretty much have it aced. Good women, are attracted to good men, not their wallets. Stop falling for the BS you see in the media. Women are not inherently goldiggers....
Edited 3/17/2007 12:28 pm ET by rain_dancer_iam
Greg,
I am placing the last paragraph of my post to you in this new post because apparently there is a limit to how long posts can be now and they cut it off: (I hope I can remember what I wrote)
I do not know much about you, but the fact that you are so inquisitive about women and how they think, shows a great deal of character. Women are good "readers" of people. I can read between the lines. Men should only know how we tick. Because of all of the questions you ask, and the way in which you ask them, I can tell that you are "considerate" and "unselfish." You "care" about women...about how their bodies and minds work with respect to sex and not only about what "you" can get out of sex. More than likely that extends to outside of the bedroom. Those are two very "important" characteristics to espouse....as they extend to so many other aspects in life. To be a considerate and unselfish person shows you are most likely a man of good character. That is what will help you to get you a good woman--not money. You need to "believe" that in order to "believe" that any woman would....
Good luck to you, Greg....
I agree with Rain Dancer.....first you have to get rid of your "baggage" and start loving yourself. Bad things happen to good people. You don't judge yourself by what happened, but by who and what you are. There are SO many women over 40 who are looking for that good guy that doesn't have baggage. They're not looking for a "meal ticket".....they're looking for someone who will be a companion, a help-mate, someone who will treat them respectfully, and that they can love and respect in return.
As for your finances, or lack of them, you're not an old man, you can work on that and turn it around if thats the goal you set for yourself. You need to start focusing on the positive, and get the negativity out of your life. Look into "The Secret"......which explains how you set goals for yourself, and work for what you WANT, rather than lament what you don't have.
I don't know how long you've been divorced, but there comes a time when you put that behind you, and start looking at the future. If I were 10 years younger, or you were 10 years older.....I'd give you my email address, lol Better days are coming...you just have to be ready to appreciate them.
Greg,
Right now, you still don't feel good about yourself, and dating is not going to make you feel any better. Unfortunately, there is a healing process when a relationship ends, and it does not sound like you have completed that process. You don't want to put a bandaid on yourself, you want to be healthy and whole. Perhaps reading some self-help books will help you to regain your self-confidence. Women who would be attracted to you for money are not worth your time, so do yourself a favor and forget about them! What do you have to offer? Look at yourself every day in the mirror and think of something good that you have to offer, perhaps you make a mean martini -- whatever it, is, think positive ALWAYS. I'm sure there is a long list, but if you keep telling yourself that you don't have anything to offer, then you won't have anything to offer. What kinds of things do you like to do? Perhaps if you start enjoying your life, even if it's people watching in the park, you will start to feel better about your situation. Picking up the pieces and moving on takes courage, which is an admirable trait.