Why is communication so difficult?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Why is communication so difficult?
13
Sat, 07-21-2007 - 11:59am

Why is it that some women, seems like quite a few have so much trouble communicating their sexual needs to their partner.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2006
Sat, 07-21-2007 - 12:38pm
Hoorah, that's so true. People, especially womem need to be comfortable both with themselves and their partners. If I were a man, I'd feel insulted and patronized if a woman thought me to be so fragile or uncaring as to not want to know. My DH loves knowing everything he can do to arouse and please. He expresses thankfullness that I shared with him. Ladies, you have to speak up! If his ego won't handle it, that's his problem not yours. I'm not saying don't be tactfull and loving in your communication, but that's the key to happiness and fullfillment in the bedroom; COMMUNICATION.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Sat, 07-21-2007 - 2:01pm

Hey Tish-
I wonder about something....You know how you hear often how women think men can "read" their minds? I wonder if this applies in this case. I found myself guilty of this not long ago and I just had to laugh at myself.
I was going to follow my husband somewhere and I was driving his truck and he was driving someone else's car...I had pulled out of the drive and hollered at him to get my sunglasses out of my car....mind you I have 3 pair in my car....so he brings me a pair....my least favorite pair....I said..."I don't want these, get me the other black ones" he walks back to my car grumbling...and I thought to myself....Well if you would have brought the right ones to begin with you wouldn't have had to go back! LMAO....I thought to myself...I can't believe you just thought that!!!

I think the same may apply here, but I agree that I don't understand why it's so hard just to say..."I don't like that...do this" If the man knows anything, he knows everyone is different and not all will like the same thing, and it won't bruise his ego in the least.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2006
Sat, 07-21-2007 - 2:38pm
I noticed you were giving seminars in Relationship 101 around the board this morning. Part of the problem, I think, is that even in this day and age (or even especially in this day and age, with how hypersexualized our pop culture has become), the primary images the media present of female sex and female sexuality still present women primarily as sex objects who are there to provide visual stimulation and sexual pleasure for men, and not as sex subjects who should have every right to an expectation of equal pleasure and equal satisfaction in a sexual encounter.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Sat, 07-21-2007 - 3:37pm

I think in 99% of the cases we see here....it's "fear"! Fear of rejection, fear of "scaring him away" and just plain fear of hurting their "fragile" feelings. In most cases if they had ANY feelings, they wouldn't have to be told or asked anything.

There are some cases, as in the one post, that you just can't talk to him.....but then HE is the one with the problem, and as you suggested, maybe counselling is the key...but usually anyone who can't communicate doesn't see it as THEIR problem.....it's the nagging wife (or husband).

How many times do we read "I want to ask him when we'll get married, but I'm scared to push him away"! Hey, if you have to ask, and he runs screaming....well, isn't that better than waiting two more years? Let the jerk BE scared, and move on and find someone who wants what YOU want!

Dr.Phil says "you teach people how to treat you". If you don't like something, and you say nothing, then shame on you. If saying something creates problems, then the relationship is not a very good one.....which is a whole other problem.

I've been there and done that, and keeping quiet makes it that much worse. I tried for many years to be the nice quiet loving wife. All that does is give them the idea that you'll take ANYTHING, and they'll push things as far as they can. That gets you to the point that you're angry and resentful....and just DON'T CARE anymore. I often wonder if I'd spoken up early on, things might have been better....but that's something I'll never know, and it's also something I will NEVER repeat.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Sat, 07-21-2007 - 4:06pm

<<Relationship 101>>>

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2006
Sat, 07-21-2007 - 4:23pm
*Yes and on your board I had to give you a seminar in SPELLING 101 or was that a seminar in kinky sex boundaries?*

Spelling..... definitely SPELLING. LOL



*I'm not so sure the media presenting women as sex objects has much to do with it.*



I think it's a component, coupled with many others. Have you listened to any of the music the kids are listening to these days? I challenge you to find an example of a portrayal of a woman in hip-hop who's doing what she's doing for her sexual pleasure.



*Hinting, hoping, guessing games, wondering, assuming, just doesn't cut it in my book and if you can't openly talk to your partner about anything and everything, what kind of relationship is it?*



Not much of one, but then communication is a relationship skill that we all had to learn the hard way. Some of us just had more to learn than others.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Sat, 07-21-2007 - 8:42pm

Tish I think this is a great topic! I also agree with what Steve said here:



"but then communication is a relationship skill that we all had to learn the hard way. Some of us just had more to learn than others."



I wonder if communication wasn't easier for you early in your relationship because you had parents that felt comfortable communicating with you as you grew up. I know that I never heard sex discussed as an issue that one might have likes or dislikes in at all, and I think at that time society definitely portrayed an image that sex was for the pleasure of a man. I think I was growing up in a time where that was starting to change, but I feel the change has made light year style advancements in the past decade.



I know that I am a very confident person, yet I was never taught how to stand up for myself verbally and by means of communication. Even as an employee, I always felt as if I had to ask permission from my boss to take a day off from work. Much more of a "would you mind" than an "I need to" type of person. I am in a large part just now being able to make changes in my ways that allow me to even admit that I have needs. I truly feel much of this goes back to the way I was raised.



I have never feared hurting a lovers ego by letting my wants and needs be known, but I have been shy about letting them be known. I credit my husband with a lot as I feel that he has taught me about my value as a person. It certainly wasn't an overnight lesson though, and it has taken years for me to be able to effectively communicate with him. A large part of that has to do with trust. I'm not talking about the basic trust, but the trust that he won't judge me harshly. I know Sakura mentioned fear, and I know that I was raised in an environment where I felt I was constantly judged. So my fears would be about how he would judge me.



As you mentioned in another thread, using a sexy, sultry voice to let him know that I enjoy what he's doing, that he should continue, etc. and the use of body language were the only ways that I was ever able to communicate about sex. Of course, those were during sex, and they were more reinforcement than anything else. When I wanted to talk with DH about my fantasies or things I wanted to try -- which didn't fit into an area during sex to bring up in a sexy way, that was a lot more challenging. It took me years to feel comfortable doing that.



I also don't think that communication of sexual wants and desires is an overnight process for most people. Seems that for the most part we are raised to not discuss sex, so it's not an easy switch to all of a sudden turn on. Couples often take a long time to feel comfortable even having sex together, let alone discussing their sexual activity.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
Sun, 07-22-2007 - 10:51pm
What if you are just really shy??? For me, it is not that I think I will hurt his feelings if I tell him what to do, but that I have a fear of rejection of some sort. I think its a vulnerablity issue with me. I wish I could be more outspoken in bed! I don't really have trouble talkin about sex outside of the bedroom. Its during the act that I wish I felt more comfortable speaking up! I'm working on it though. Great topic by the way!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2006
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 12:11pm

Sometimes we just have to take a deep breath, and jump! Shyness was something I had a hard time with for a long time. I found that I just had to take small steps outside my comfort zone, each time realizing it really wasn't so scary after all. But we can't make those leaps in communication without taking some risks. Which is why it's so important to have a relationship full of trust and respect.

As far as whats said/shown in the media - I think it reinforces the idea that couples should just *know* what thier partner wants. You never see commercials or scenes in a show where a couple actually talks about it outside the bedroom it's always in the moment. If thats what we are basing our expectations on it's no wonder we all expect our partners to be mind readers.

E.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2004
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 5:15am

Hi Tish,

I agree with most of what you say, it is how it should be. You and your husband are very lucky. But it just isn't that way for many others.

People do feel very insecure about themselves and especially about their sexuality.

I believe that woman say they "I don't want to hurt his feelings or insult him by telling him what I want/need" because they themselves feel hurt and insulted when their man tells them how to do it. But I think people are less likely to admit they feel hurt and insulted, than they are to just turn off.

Secondly, I do think many egos are that fragile that they will essentially be shattered by being given direction. It's a long slow process though, each direction is seen as a criticism and each chips away at a person's self esteem and confidence, building resentment and making future communication all the more difficult.

But, I agree with you on how it should be ideally, "being comfortable enough to have sex with someone, you should be comfortable enough to talk about your sex life and let each other know what you each want, need and expect from your sex life." It is just so much easier to open ones legs than it is to open ones mouth, even in a dark room.

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