Why do some guys do this
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Why do some guys do this
| Thu, 11-17-2005 - 5:27pm |
Okay, this really isn't a sex question but I guess more about attraction and I am just trying to figure out why some guys do this and some don't.


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Why do we do it? Simply put, the same reason you'd say to a person walking down the street with a cool shirt, "Hey man, that's a cool shirt."
Or maybe you don't do that. I do, sometimes. It feels good to put a smile on someone's face, even a total stranger, some days. You (or maybe just I) walk away with that glowing feeling of having contributed something to the world.
This thread kinda makes me sad. I didn't know I was such a "disrespectful" potential rapist for wanting to tell a pretty woman she's pretty. It's my personal theory that contributing to this kind of paranoia hurts women who would be grateful for the attention by scaring men out of giving it to them.
A woman can walk up to a woman she's never seen before and say, "I like your hair." Why can't I? Oh, that's right, I'm a potential rapist if I say it.
Most of us that muster up the courage to compliment one of you are afraid of YOU! Why be afraid of us? I remember this girl I used to work with that looked stunning every day. One day the other women told her she looked like a model. I was going to tell her I agree with them but decided not to because I knew that what I say will probably be judged instead of appreciated.
Deciding to speak my mind and tell a pretty lady she's pretty so I can carry on with my day knowing I put a smile on her face makes me disrespectful to women and a potential rapist? That hurts.
That makes me WANT to be alone, isolated from people.
LOL! It's obvious that you completely missed the point, BIG TIME!
No one said that they didn't enjoy a benign compliment made in a respectful way but a strange man making an inappropriate comment, such as one focused on a woman's body part, etc., would likely make ANY woman uncomfortable or mad! Try and look at this from a woman's point of view, not as a man!
Remember, men aren't raped but women ARE everyday so this isn't a silly, irrational concern or fear for women. It's real. We HAVE to be concerned about our safety at all times, particularly in public.
Tell me, would you still think it was so harmless if a stranger made an inappropriate comment about your GF, wife, mother, sister or daughter's breasts, butt, etc.? I doubt it.
I repeat, stop thinking like a man, and try to understand how a woman might feel in a vunerable situation.
We simply cannot tell by looking if a man is a potential rapist or one of the good guys and it's always better safe than sorry, I say. And I AM speaking as a woman.
Your idea of inappropriate and mine most likely differ, so answering your question would make a moot point. I don't see how any of the three guys ctara quoted made an "inappropriate" comment, but the very next post is you telling her how much of a threat they could be, so how was I not going to "miss the point?"
Yes, your second post and various other posts in this thread have suggested that benign comments can be a problem. Disrespectful potential rapists can still read, you know?
Kind of ironic that you mention thinking like a man because it would be nice if you'd put the fear culture routine aside for a moment and put yourself in a man's shoes. But I see asking you to do this would be like asking a fish to fly. You're too busy "speaking as a woman," the ultimate authority on how the genders interact, I suppose.
Many of us have no idea what the right or "appropriate" thing to say is anymore. Some guys give up and just start being rude or mean, which means this paranoia on the part of women becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. That isn't a perspective issue. It's a fact of life.
And ALL people have to be concerned about their saftey at all times in public. Don't be silly. So I firmly believe that yes, this "women are raped every day so they must be judgemental a-holes" attitude is irrational.
Women that make the assertions that you do scare me. In my mind (which must mean little to you since it's male), you seem to have a problem with not seeing the forest for the trees with this whole fear-of-whackjobs thing, but whatever. I apologize for trying to stir up a little sympathy for the man's position in such a situation (I knew it was going to be 100% denied before I ever decided to post). I probably just made things worse and shouldn't have opened my mouth.
Edited 12/1/2005 5:22 am ET by testsubjectxp
Edited 12/1/2005 5:27 am ET by testsubjectxp
Edited 12/1/2005 5:32 am ET by testsubjectxp
Edited 12/1/2005 5:38 am ET by testsubjectxp
It isn't just guys. I've had females do that to me also. In the past week or so at work, I've had two comments of, "You do clean up, don't you!" (Meaning that I look good when I'm not wearing my work clothes and covered in grease), and one comment of, "And he smells good, too," as I left the locker room after showering.
That doesn't even include the teenagers that say things to me at the pizza place (at first, both my boys and I thought that the comments were directed towards them).
Why do women say those things? None of them were ones that I had shown any interest in, nor are they ones that I WOULD show interest in under any circumstances.
It bothers me to some extent because it feels inappropriate. I don't feel worried or have any fears about my safety, but it just seems like a really strange thing for a female to do.
Michael
I find it interesting that you're telling ME, a woman, what kind of risks I should be willing to take, when you, as a man, don't face the same risks everyday.
And it's also very amusing that you're asking ME to have sympathy for men. As the mother of two sons and the sister of two brothers, I've been surrounded by males all my life. I have MUCH sympathy, understanding and empathy for men, I assure you of that, but that's not the issue we're discussing.
You'll probably be surprised to know that it was my FATHER, not my mother or some other female, who urged me to take every compliment from a man with a grain of salt and to be cautious, in general. And I think he should know, right? And now, my DH is of the same opinion. Why? Because all men are bad and a menace to women? Or course not. Because they care for ME and want me to be safe and realize that women are more vunerable.
I'm a woman and a realist living in a world where sexual intimidation and violence against women is a daily fear based on reality. IF you don't choose to acknowledge that, then you're welcome to keep your head in the sand as a man.
But I related to ctara how a simple, seemingly harmless compliment from a stranger, in my case, turned into a stalking situation. But that wasn't my only negative experience, believe me. My comments of caution were based on my own personal experiences, along with those of friends and family, not on paranoia or prejudice against men. REAL experiences.
And yes, I will agree with you....if you believe that saying something extremely intimate about a woman's body part on the street is appropriate and also expect it to be accepted enthusiastically and gracefully...well, then you're right, we DO have differing ideas about what is and isn't an acceptable commment from a stranger.
And because potential offense is in the ear of the BEHOLDER, then common sense should always prevail in those situations. You simply don't know how or what the beholder may thinking. And you shouldn't assume that you do. But I think I made my points pretty clear though.
Unfortunately, too many women are more worried about being polite and not hurting a stranger's feelings than they are about their own safety and wellbeing.
You are correct that it's likely that the majority of guys ARE just expressing appreciation with a harmless compliment. And it's unfortunate that the good and bad guys all look the same. But that's also a reality we live with everyday.
I certainly hope for your sake, that none of the women you care about in your life makes an error in judgement and trusts someone that they mistakenly believe is a good guy.
But of course, that's just MY opinion as a woman.
Edited 12/1/2005 7:00 pm ET by katmandoo2001
I guess turnabout is fair play. LOL! My DH has had similar situations arise that he felt uncomfortable in, as well.
But you're always free to say that you don't appreciate the comments.
The fact that you don't have to worry about your personal safety as a man is a BIG difference, IMO. These women likely won't threaten you if you DO say that you're offended.
But "you do clean up, don't you?" is a pretty general and benign compliment, I would say. If they get no reaction from you, then they probably won't repeat the comments.
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