Why does it always have to be sexual?
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| Sat, 07-21-2007 - 1:13am |
I have been married for just one year. Before marriage, my husband and I had always had a good time making out, flirting, caressing, and making love. Back then, we did not see each other very often, once a week the most. Because both of us were very busy, we could only keep each other company about 3 hours the most. Thus, it seemed that whenever we were together, we were doing something sexual.
My husband has always had a habit of caressing my nipples and private area whenever we have sat next to each other watching TV ever since we met. It did not bother me before our marriage, because we did not see each other that often. Now, I feel annoyed more and more about his habit. Why can we not just appreciate "the time being together" without any sexual involvement? A couple together is much more than only sexual fulfillment. I have, however, never told him about my being annoyed by his habit. I don't know how to tell him that. I understand that men's sexual needs are different from women's, so I try not to disturb his views, feelings, needs towards sexuality. Nevertheless, I am really annoyed.
My husband also loves oral sex, and I am 99% of the time the one who is asked to perform. Sometimes, I feel ok doing it. Once in a while I feel like doing it. However, most of the time, I am asked to do it unvoluntarily. I don't know how much other men want from their wives, so I cannot say that my husband is voluptuous. Well, it does not matter what other men do to their wives; I would like to have a solution for my problem. Can anyone shed some light with me?

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He's your husband, and there's no reason that you shouldn't talk to him about things that bother you. It has nothing to do with "men's sexual needs" (Women can have the same sexual needs)....it has to do with what you want and/or don't want in your marriage. He isn't a mindreader, and if you've never told him that you don't want certain things, how is he supposed to know that?
When he "touches" and "caresses" you.....does that always lead to sex, or is it just a habit he has? Again, if you've never told him that it bothers you, how is he supposed to know that?
You say he loves oral sex.....but you're the one asked to perform. Does he give YOU oral sex, too? If not, have you asked him for it? You shouldn't do anything you don't want to do, and can't do in a loving and happy way.
You feel that there is more to marriage than sexual involvement, and you're right! Even more important than sex is "communication". That means you talk to each other, and you tell each other what makes you happy, and what doesn't make you happy. If he's doing things that you don't like, you have to tell him that. And he can tell you if you do things he doesn't like, too. Neither of you reads the other one's mind.....you have to talk and you have to share your feelings. You're also right, this has nothing to do with what other people do.....it has to do with you and your husband, and your marriage.
This has nothing to do with his "needs" as a man...it has to do with your marriage, and BOTH your needs and wishes. Start talking to him, and tell him how you feel about these things. If you don't, nothing will ever change.
There are no
Welcome to the board cheueh.
I agree with the other members, you need to find a way to discuss these things with your DH. Your sexual relationship should meet the needs of both of you. While it's not wrong to provide pleasure for just one of you, it should be done so because it is your desire, not because you feel you must do what he wants.
Here are some links that might help you effectively communicate with him:
Speak Up! Ask Him for What You Want
http://love.ivillage.com/lnsproblems/lnscommunicate/0,,7ffztdxn,00.html
How can I get my guy to listen?
http://love.ivillage.com/lnsproblems/lnscommunicate/0,,guystellall_9nmljwsn,00.html
Get Through to Your Man: 5 Tips for Better Communication
http://love.ivillage.com/lnm/lnmgetcloser/0,,84s,00.html
my partner in the siggy exchange
Thank you all very much for replying the message. You are all absolutely right about your points. I cannot agree with you more. I know that communication is very important, but I really don't know how to start talking to him. My husband does not know when NOT to joke about. Whatever I tried to bring up, he brushed it away, and talked something he thought funny. I got more annoyed. For many times, I talked about getting serious when serious matters involved. He is just like a child not listening. Whenever I tried to bring something up, he immediately reacted like "everything is fine; why are you making more trouble for me!!!" This has happened since we got married, so then I got frustrated and not trying bring anything up. However, everything gets worse and worse. Now, he's learned a trick. If I point out something I don't like, he immediately says, "I am sorry; it's all my fault," with a face that does not sorry at all, yet with a face that says actually, "You shut up!" My point here is not that I want him to apologize, but try to talk with him to see if we can come up a solution. Nevertheless, he thought that his apology would shut me up. I continue trying to make my point, but he would say, "I said I am sorry already." Then, I really have to shut up. Thus, nothing has ever come through, nothing has ever been resolved, and everything goes to its worse way.
I read the articles from the links that one of you provided. Thank you very much. However, I think that our marriage has more problems than just how we can communicate. We even have a problem how to START communicating. To tell you the truth, I have been disappointed about my marriage. We are almost together 24/7, yet we are so far from each other. I know that I did not state it right, but that's what it seems really.There are just so many things involved in our marriage. We don't seem to have time for each other. We might be physically present next to each other, yet there is not much togetherness in us. There are so many problems, yet he does not think that we have any.
He is so self-absorbed and ego-centric, and he thinks that he is smart. I don't know what to do. He has been his Momma's good boy all his life; whatever he has done is never wrong. His mom has never told him what not to do. Everything he did is GOOD. His mom is so nice TO HIM; whereas I am a bitch, who disagrees with him sometimes and points out what I don't like the things he did. I am so frustrated.
Two things here. First, when pointing out whatever it is that you don't like, try to use *I* language (as in *I would really like...* or *When this happens, it makes me feel like...*) instead of *you* language (as in *you need to...* or *you always...*). *You* language tends to make people feel as if they're being attacked, and put them on the defensive, whereas *I* language makes it about your feelings rather than his behavior, and can be a more effective method of getting your message across. Then, if he still tries to pull the *apology trick*, tell him that it isn't an apology that you're looking for, but rather a different outcome the next time a similar situation presents itself.
*However, I think that our marriage has more problems than just how we can communicate. We even have a problem how to START communicating. To tell you the truth, I have been disappointed about my marriage. We are almost together 24/7, yet we are so far from each other. I know that I did not state it right, but that's what it seems really.There are just so many things involved in our marriage. We don't seem to have time for each other. We might be physically present next to each other, yet there is not much togetherness in us. There are so many problems, yet he does not think that we have any.*
I wonder whether you have considered counseling? Would he go with you if you did? It can be very helpful just to have someone involved in the discussion who doesn't have a vested interest in the relationship, and it can be a place to learn how to start communicating -- really communicating, not just talking past each other -- as a couple. Even if he won't go with you, it might be valuable for you to go to counseling by yourself.
I think I hear a lot of resentment in your post. I get an impression that you are looking for his parents to accept you and treat you as they do him. While this may be ideal in your eyes, it's not something that happens so easily. Instead of concentrating any of your energy on his relationship with them, you need to focus on your relationship with him.
I think Steve gave you an excellent suggestion with counseling. It would be ideal if he went with you, but if he won't you will still benefit from having a few sessions yourself. You will be able to learn some effective communication skills as well as how to deal with your own feelings about your relationship.
To me, it sounds like your problems are not just about sex. Perhaps you are shutting down because you feel that you are not being heard. It does sound like a communication problem. I know that when my DH doesn't want to "argue" he says "I'm sorry, I know it was my fault". Yes, it's frustrating. Sometimes the topic isn't that important, and I can let it go. Other times, I have to find a way to approach the conversation differently. I think you will probably need to work in baby steps to get to the route of your problem. Perhaps letting him know that you're not happy and you want to start marriage counseling will be a wake-up call that he needs to hear.
I also did a quick search of the Love & Sex Channel boards, and found the following boards that you might also find helpful:
Problem Solving for Couples
Dealing with In-Laws
Hot Topic: Married without Romance
Ask the Relationship Saver
You may find people on those boards that are having similar problems in their marriages, and who will offer you solutions that have worked for them.
my partner in the siggy exchange
Thank you. I learned one thing from Steve, and I do realize now after reading Steve's message that how important to use the first or second person language. I do recall that I use many more times of YOU rather than I when I point out something. It all ended up now that my husband is so offended each time even when I said something not related to him at all.
Yes, I am thinking of getting a counseling. However, I don't know how to talk with my husband about it, since he never considers that we have problems (he always thinks that I am the only one who is having problem, but not WE). Also, some of our problems have to do with his personality and concepts or views too. We work at the same restaurant. Two days ago, there was a car full of people, wanting to order something at the drive thru window, after we were closed. My husband opened the window and told them that we were closed. They said something back to him, which I could not hear from afar. My husband gave them a finger. They were all laughing and shouting, while my husband reached his pocket, ready to pull a gun out. My heart was almost fall out. Luckily, they were not doing or saying anything else and left quickly before my husband pulled the gun out of the pocket. Immediately, he ordered a loud horn online which he will use to treat misbehaved people. Tonight, when we were just closed, those people came again and left some kind of bird-dropping like substance on the window. He was confidently said that he would get his horn soon. I told him that revenge does not solve any problem. Then, he said, "then, I think that it's about time for me to shoot." I sighed and said if he hurts those people's ears (it is the kind of horn louder than a train's), they would revenge back or sue us. It goes without saying to shoot. He replied, "if we don't give those some treatment, we are always the losers." I did not know what to continue to say. He did not consider what I say to him at all, but still immersed in his own idea, an idea that mixes with fantasies and unreality.
Our marriage is full of different concepts, ideas, habits, backgrounds, lifestyle, and etc. The differences are much more just "men vs women" to begin with. I am so tired.
Wow .. I hate to say this but that man sounds like a train wreck waiting to happen. Are you sure you want to be on the train with him when it wrecks? I think you need to talk to someone close to you first. Do you have friends you could talk to about any of this? To tell the truth, I am bit worried about your safety if you try to remove yourself from the situation. If you can ... make a counseling appointment and drag him to it. If not go on your own. You do need advise. My advise would be to run fast anywhere away from him to tell the truth.
Good luck and let us know how you are.
You said you give oral 99% of the time.... Something wrong with that right there.
I'd put a stop to that if it were me. Not in a mean way just a passive aggressive
way.
The whole restraunt thing. Wow. Would't want to be with some one that's vengful.
What if he gets mad at you? Then what's he gonna do? Blow your ear drumbs out!?
I couldn't be with some one like that, It's very inmature, and scary.
Just my opinion
Kareese.
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