Why don't women like their bodies?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2007
Why don't women like their bodies?
11
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 8:09am
I am a 40 yr old male that has been married for 12 years. My wife is beautiful but she is so self conscious about her body. Over the last four years she has put on about 30 pounds and our self life has suffered. I have never said a word to her and tell her all the time she is beautiful. She won't let me give her oral sex and really wants to get sex over as soon as possible. I try to massage her and have foreplay but she does not want it. Most of the time she will only take off her panties under the covers but not her shirt. I am not bragging but I used to model mens clothing and have always been in great shape. Her friends will make comments about my looks or how she is so lucky that her husband does not have a beer gut. She will usually laugh it off but I am the one that has to hear how mad it makes her. I don't flurt, have affairs, or want to be with anyone else. She knows this but I can't seem to make her understand that I love her no matter what. Any advice would be great.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 8:37am

She doesn't like HER body, but not all women are like that. There are women of all sizes and shapes that have no problem with their body image. And, unfortunately, there are many women like your wife, too.

Only a psychologist could tell you why SHE is this way. Maybe she's a "perfectionist", but if that's the case, she could LOSE those 30 pounds fairly easily. So, maybe it's something else. Sometimes people gain weight as a defense....something to "hide behind". Maybe she doesn't LIKE sex, and it's her subconscious way of trying to turn you off. Maybe she feels unfulfilled, and she's turning to food to make herself feel better.

There is also insecurity. Maybe she figures you're so "perfect" and she can't measure up, or you won't love her anymore if she lets you see her "gross" (in HER mind) body. Even though you keep telling her she's beautiful, and you love her regardless of her weight, an insecure person will never believe that, no matter how much you say it.

If she's so unhappy about the weight, then she should do something about it. If she's doing nothing about it, then there's something else going on. Only a trained professional can get to the bottom of her "problems".

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2007
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 10:05am

I think that television shows such as Desperate Housewives have alot to do with the unrealistic expectations that women put on themselves. In the real world, how many super-skinny women in their 30's - 40's do you know? Hopefully none-because it is not normal or healthy. Take a moment to compare the figures of the women on Desperate Housewives to the figure of Kate Winslet (Titanic). Kate's figure is far more attractive and she is the picture of health.

Society also puts a tremendous amount of pressure on a woman to "loose the baby weight" immediately. A month after a celebrity gives birth they have their pre-baby figure back. Now how natural is that!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2007
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 11:14am

I like my body and I am just shy of 50 years old. Wore a bikini to a water park last weekend so not all women hate their bodies LOL. I may be about 10 lbs overweight but even when I do gain more I am not self-concious about it. Of course I stay in good shape physically so it helps.

This is her problem actually, she has a bad body image and she is the one that needs to do something about it. About all you can do is try to get her to see that you really do see her as beautiful. Tell her you WANT to look at her and when you do look at her with lust in your eyes. It sounds like you are already doing this but every positive reinforcement you give her will help. Talk to her about it. You would have to do that carefully so as not to make her think she needs to lose the weight for you to love her but offer her your support IF she wants to diet.

Good luck to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2006
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 11:42am

I am very self conscious of my body. Even though my DH tells me I am hot and sexy. The way I feel about my body has

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2007
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 3:50pm
I don't agree about all the hollywood blaming. If you see a star that had a baby recently and she looks like she never was pregnant then good for her. I don't blame the real thing because the real thing is attainable. What bothers me is when you see an ad or magazine cover and they are so airbrushed. If a woman wants to be thin and look great and it is for real then good for her. Hollywood would change if the paying public which is all of us wanted different. How many would have thought the movie "Pretty Woman" would have been a hit if someone overweight had played Julia Roberts part. Hollywood gives us what we want. If you show women in a bikini, it should be that persons true image and not created.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 5:40pm

Welcome to the board mrrebelman.

I really think that sex drive and body image "can" go hand-in-hand. Since you've been married for 12 years, it's not likely that she's "shy" around you, but she is uncomfortable with her body. She has gained a little weight, but IF she had a high libido, she would move past that.

Many things affect libido. It could be a matter of timing, hormones, life demands, and so much more. Of course, a self-image can contribute too. I don't think there is a way to make a woman feel more sexy than the ways that a man in love with her can make her feel. Look for little things to build her confidence ... if you see a guy looking her way, tell her. If she is dressed nice, smells nice or just makes you want to grab her -- tell her. You can also ask her to do little things that will help to build her confidence. Ask her to meet you for lunch, request that she wear that favorite blouse (dress, skirt, shorts, whatever) of yours, or better yet, ask her to arrive commando. Talk to her at lunch and let her know how it makes you feel that she met you that way. It's important that you don't make her feel pressured to necessarily have sex -- your goal is to build up her self-confidence and make her feel good about herself, while also making her think about sex.

Basically, the more anyone thinks about sex, the more they want to have sex. Your actions can help to build her libido. The lunch is just one example, I'm sure you can think of other things that will fit into your lifestyle. IF she doesn't respond, then she may have some issues she should discuss with a doctor. But, if she does start responding, chances are, you will change the way she views herself, or atleast the way she views herself in your eyes.

One of my favorite ways to broach a new topic is with "You know, I read ...." Then, it's not really your idea, but it can help her to realize that other people do these things. That might make her feel more comfortable trying them out.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 5:44pm
Welcome to the board luv_being_mom_to_6. Thanks for joining in.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2006
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 10:14pm
Thanks... looking forward to being around!

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Registered: 05-30-2007
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 11:18pm

I had issues with body image and at times have gone through the phases where I am just not happy with how I look so why should my DH and yes it did affect our sex life. I think part of it is that I saw myself in a certain way when I was thin & younger. I was curvy & petite and felt sexy that way. Then I had kids & your body does go through changes. Yeah, there are some women out there they go through pregnancy looking like models and bounce back with little effort where you would not guess they ever had children. That's not the norm at least not from what I've experienced being a latin woman. You get stuck with that picture of yourself in your head & when the mirror reflects something other than that back at you it's a hard pill to swallow. Yeah, we can always do something about our weight but sometimes it's not as easy as just doing that. We have to learn to love ourselves for who we are. I have finally gotten past all that. I know I will always have the stretch marks from pregnancy, my boobs will never be perky like they used to be and I will probably never weigh 102 lbs again but my DH does constantly remind me that he loves me & loves me when I am thin or not. Just keep reminding her of that & don't give up....

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2007
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 11:54pm

I think you are right about the pregnancy feelings except my wife has gone through that and more. It really did not hit me until I read your post. We tried to have children and finally after 3 years of AI and IVF she became pregnant with twins. During her 8th month her water broke and the babies were both stillborn. We never tried again but am happy to say we adopted my son-7 and daughter-5 when they were both infants from a private adoption agency. All the heartache and grief I had carried disappeared the day I walked out of that adoption agency with my children. I don't know how to say this because I don't want you to get the impression she loves our adopted children any less. I felt she always thought of herself as failing as a woman because her body could not produce biological children. Subtle hints to her mother because her mother to the drug DES when she was pregnant with my wife to prevent miscarrying. DES is no longer used but causes many reproductive issues and prevents the uterus from forming properly in females. Causes male issues also. Anyway I feel that she will never get over losing the babies and it effected an already damaged ego. Maybe I am being to Freudian but it fits the feelings she has.

Thanks for listening!

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