Why is kissing my love recently ICKY?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Why is kissing my love recently ICKY?
3
Thu, 06-09-2005 - 7:56am

We have been together for three years. I chased him for two years before that. I liked the whole package, the person, his looks, and off course he is loving, very caring with me, and has all the qualities any women would want in a life partner.
The first four months were great - sexually. Then ???? Over the course of the next 2.5 years we had hot sex while on vacation for a month a year later and probably 5 -10 other times. This is over three years!! He hasn't had much experience with relationships, I am his third - he is 38 and I am 40.
The sexual problems appeared to be ego based. At first I noticed he lost his erection right before or shortly into the act. So we just focused on him and building his confidence to maintain long enough to reach climax. I felt this was just a hurdle we needed to cross together. Pleasing me was not a concern.
Finally I mentioned it to my doctor. And he deemed it a physical problem. We were both happy to accept this. He did some research on ways to treat his problem.
I had a healthy libido and patience, love and willingness to work through this. We plan to spend our life's together we have time to work on discovering our sex life slowly.

But the problem is now mine. Due to some unrelated reasons and circumstances we took an amiable three-month break. It was mutually needed, I was the instigator. Now that we are back together something is wrong with my attraction and desire for him. I love him so much! I need to get over this. Since we have reunited I haven't been able to do more then kiss him closed lips, cuddle and hug. The thought of French kissing or more intense physical intimacy is a major turn off. Do people go through this now and then in long term relationships? How can I find/rekindle that attraction and chemistry I felt with him? It is like when I was with him my sexuality button had to be shut off for the better part of three years. When we were separated that button came on and how! Attracted to all kinds of men, "boy crazy", I masturbated very regularly etc. But now that we are back together the button has been turned off again. I have not even pleased myself for weeks - there is no desire.

Of course he wants more than a few closed mouth kisses, his button finally seems to be turning on.

Is there some deep psychological reason for my frigidness? How do I work through it? Should I be open with him? The only problem with that is he has yet to develop much confidence in areas related to sex. As we are basically starting from scratch, prior to the DR, he avoided even, discouraged discussion. Now that we have jumped our 1st hurdle, we have everything to explore, slowly. But for now we aren't at the level to communicate much. Can I get back my attraction, and desire for him? Has anyone gone through anything like this? How did things turn out for you? I fear that my love for him has me in denial and that my ickys are a clear indication that I shouldn't plan a life with him. Maybe we've changed or something, maybe distaste for mere kissing is in indicator that he isn't the one for me.

Please any insights, experiences, advice, or similar experiences you may have would be helpful and appreciated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Thu, 06-09-2005 - 8:14am

You're the only one who knows why you are no longer attracted to him physically.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Thu, 06-09-2005 - 8:41am

Your post is very confusing to me. There are a lot of underlying things going on that you're not talking about, or maybe you don't even understand. The first four months were great sexually.....and then why did it change? A month of vacation gave you a month of "hot sex"? You don't have "hot sex" while on vacation if it's a physical problem!

However YOUR doctor decided he has a physical problem? Did he examine him in any way? Did he give him any kind of tests? Or was his diagnosis based on what you told him? Is your doctor an Urologist (which is the kind of doctor you need for his sexual "problems")? MANY erection problems are NOT physical, but emotional/mental....and it takes an Urologist to give him the proper exam and tests to find out which it is. So, if the doctor "deemed" it a physical problem, what did he do to help him? I think "your" doctor is all wet! You can't "fix" a physical problem with research. It takes a doctor to do that.

It sounds like some of the problem is yours.....like you need to be the "mother" in the situation....you "helped" him work on his problems, your needs were "immaterial". You were the "Florence Nightingale" that came to his rescue. You felt the need to discuss it with YOUR doctor. Now that his button is finally "turning on"....he doesn't "NEED" you any more.....so he's less of a "challenge" for you. Also, you said you "chased" him for two years till you "got" him. Sounds to me like the "challenge" is gone, and you're bored with the whole situation. You had a "taste" of other men....maybe needy men just like him.....and you're ready to find someone else who needs you MORE than this guy.

If you want this relationship to succeed, then you probably should get some counselling, to find out who's doing what to whom. I think it's a mutually dependent situation.....but he's becoming less dependent, and that can't satisfy you. Good Luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2003
Thu, 06-09-2005 - 2:41pm

Dear OP,

GTB has a VERY interesting view of your situation...one that I would definitely give some thoughtful soul searching to if I were you.

There is a normal ebb and flow of attraction and independence within all healthy relationships. One sign of the health of a relationship is the acceptance that each feels for the others need for space and then for closeness. Most of us are a little out of sinc when it comes to our "ebb and flow", but eventually they start to match up more and more. All of us want to be close for periods of time and the all of us need to assert our individuality as well. Because you don't feel sexual attraction for a partner all the time doesn't mean that they are not the "one" (IMO the myth of the "one" has ruined more relationships than any other idea) or that you will not be attracted to them again. OFten times it is just your bodies way of saying that you need emotional space to re-group. This becomes a problem only when you over analyze it and try to get some "message" from it. As soon as you let go of the idea and remember that all things come and go, the attraction returns.

This is just one view of things. I would definitely read GTB's post a few times, because there may be some truth to it for you. Remember, all "complexes" or what I like to call patterned behaviors fade away when the light of consciousness is turned on them. So if you see some patterns (caretaker, mother, fixer etc.) within your relationship, realize that those patterns let go when you see them without judgment.

Peace.
Scott.