Why Wont He Put Out.. grrr...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2004
Why Wont He Put Out.. grrr...
53
Tue, 11-23-2004 - 9:51pm
I am so frustrated with my boyfriend because I have NOT had a orgasm in 3 MONTHS. When we do see each other I'm pmsing so we usually do anal sex, or I give him a bj, and I SUFFER. Well he promised tonight we would see each other because we were both off tomorrow and we could spend a lot of time together. Well he text messages me saying "baby im sick, my chest is hurting, blah blah blah." And i was sooooooooooooooooo mad bc all i could think is "OMG another month without sex." Next week i start my period so even if we see each other i wont get any. I know he cant help hes sick, but its like EVERY WEEK something comes up and we cant see each other and FINALLY when we do im pmsing. I feel neglected, unwanted, and just frustrated. Most men would want to have sex even if they were half dead. Since we started dating i went from 100 pounds to 120 pounds, and its all went to my thighs n butt. I feel fat and im wondering if hes not attracted to me. He said it wasnt that and he was attracted. But how am i suppose to feel when every time we are suppose to see each other and he cancels? I just feel unwanted. When he texted me, i got so upset, that i kept getting upset at work n crying. He said he would make it up to me and he was sorry and missed me. But i just feel neglected and i just feel like ripping his clothes off n taking advantage of him. We went from having sex every week to, hardly ever because of his 3 jobs. I CANNOT wait til he quits one of them. The only way he can make this up to me is by spending a entire weekend with me, pampering me, and paying attention to me. I feel like its unfair because I MAKE SURE he gets plenty of orgasms. He got some last week when we saw each other, but i didnt bc we didn't have time or space to have sex or for him to go down on me bc he had to go to work n we was in his car. So i gave him a bj bc i wanted him pleased. I just dont think hes making the effort to please me. What do you guys think? Am i over reacting or what?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Wed, 11-24-2004 - 4:06pm

I don't think that you are overreacting, and I do think that the others are being a bit harsh. I've recently gotten myself out of a work situation where I was working 7 days a week and up to 18 hours a day and I know how hard it can be to balance a relationship, sex, and work and paying the bills. Frequently work issues were causing me to cancel out of or simply not attend most social events together.

I think that you should forget about the sex for the time being and work at the whole relationship. It seems to me that through a combination of his intense work schedule and your periods and PMS that you simply haven't been able to spend time together at the right time to have sex. You need more time with him over-all, not just as far as sex goes. You are obviously 'taking care' of his sexual needs but I don't think that he's being selfish or unfair about it. Even if we couldn't have sex and my g/f offered to give me a BJ, I would accept it if it was what she wanted to do. Trouble is that you are happy to do that for him and then getting upset that you aren't getting yours. That's not necessarily pure selfishness on his behalf.

You need to sit down with him and work out your priorities and come up with some solutions.
Does he need to have three jobs? Can he achieve his financial goals with less work and more time with you?
If not, why not? Relationships are important and it seems that he is a guy that takes his work responsibilites very seriously - but to the detriment of his relationship. Ask him why he's working so hard? Most people work so that they can have a reasonable standard of living and to be able to enjoy life - which includes enjoying their relationships.
If he can't reduce the amount of work and spend more time with you then you will have to decide what is more important to YOU. A part-time b/f that can't spend time with you or breaking up with him and finding someone-else that can.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2004
Wed, 11-24-2004 - 9:18pm
Im going to answer everybodys posts one by one, starting with yours. The fact that you call me his mistress insults me bc im far from that. I know he is not married, and i know he does not have a fiance, and i know there is no one else but me. Because between work, sleep, and me, he doesn't have time for anything else. He works at a group home every other weekend 7pm-7am. He works at a metal plant monday-friday 12-9. And he also works as a chef at a hotel from 3-12, 5 days out of the week. Whatever days he has off at the chef job we see each other. I have school monday-friday mostly in the morning and exceptions on monday n wednesday i have class til 7pm. I work part-time and i always get the crappest hours but i work bc i have to pay bills. We DO SEE EACH OTHER. We just don't have sex because he comes to see me and then he goes back to work. He treats me better than any man ever has and i will NOT end that because im not getting sex all the time. Its not his fault he has to work. AND HE IS NOT CHEATING ON ME, and I AM NOT JUST A MISTRESS. We don't have sex when im on my period bc the blood would gross him out. And hes not the only man like that, and im not going to force him to do something hes not comfortable with.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2004
Wed, 11-24-2004 - 9:31pm

Ok as far as me and him talking, and us going on dates its great.
When it comes to him making time to please me and have sex no, its not great. I sometimes feel unwanted because of it or unattractive and i have talked to him about it and he said its not that. He canceled yesterday because he was sick and his chest was hurting because he hasnt been taking care of himself good enough. Hes busting his butt so he can get a apartment for US so we can spend more time together. AND i know hes not married because he lives with his parents. He went through a lot of crap and now hes trying to get back on his feet. And i will NOT end it because things r not perfect, so stop telling me to break it off because it wont happen. I love him and i will not end it because im not sexually satisfied. I will not so stop telling me to break up with him.

HE went from hardly calling me to calling me in the morning when hes driving to work, and leaving messages online for me. And driving down for 2 hours just to tell me he misses me and he misses seeing me and he misses holding me. And we talked. We didn't have sex no, but we talked and i have him a bj because i knew he was horny and i like doing it.

I havent really discussed having sex on my period because he said it was gross but ive been thinking about asking again. Even if we do it in the shower. I am hurt and i am frustrated because i HAVE NOT had a orgasm in 3 months. I cannot have a orgasm with just my fingers, and i have trouble getting turned on by myself.

I would prefer people stop telling me to dump him and tell me other birthcontrol pills to decrease the amount of times i have my period. Its like every time i turn around im pmsing. And conviently right when we FINALLY can see each other and spend the night, im bleeding. Doesn't the shot stop your period? Im also in school and i dont want to get pregnant. And i have trouble remembering to take my pill. I just wish people would stop referring to me as a mistress because im not that, i like pleasing him. And i know he would still be happy even if i didnt please him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2004
Wed, 11-24-2004 - 9:38pm
I use to masturbate and i would use my vibrator but i lost it and i can't find it so i've gone without for awhile. We decided to try anal sex bc a few people i know said they had orgasms when they did it. So we tried it and it felt wierd. I couldn't tell if it felt good or just felt wierd. Ive never heard of the hormone treatment. I am on ortho-tri-cyclen the birth control pill. I've been considering switching to the shot but im scared it will make me unfertile and i really want 3-4 children. I also have trouble remembering to take my pill. Do you know of any thing about it? And yes im going to keep making this relationship work. Everybody seems to think its pointless but i dont. And i am the one that is dating him and i know when i have had enough. I've been is bad relationships before and he treats me better than any man has. We both just arent good at planning out good times to see each other. I'll probably see him next week but of course ill be on my period (woohoo). Please reply if you know anything about the shot.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2004
Wed, 11-24-2004 - 9:49pm
A couple of months ago he got his cell phone bill and it was 500 dollars (so we dont talk on the phone as much), and everything came at once, his cell phone bill, car payment, etc etc. And then to make it worse someone backs down the side of his brand new car and he knew them and they were underaged so he didn't call the police (stupid), anyways the teenager is paying him back a little at a time. So right now he has to keep the jobs. He is working to save up money so he can quit one of the jobs and get a apartment for us. When we see each other we get a room, bc i live with my parents, and he does for now. Few weeks ago i had to buy a car bc mine broke down and the mechanic wanted to charge me 300 dollars just to fix my fuel pump (load of BS), i said nevermind, towed my car to the house, my dad fixed it but i got a new car bc i will be doing my clinical at the hospital next fall semester. Anyways this isnt permanent, he said he should have a apartment by february, he makes the effort its just i havent been getting sex. And i love giving him bj, its a turn on to me. But we will see.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Wed, 11-24-2004 - 10:33pm

So if your problem seems to be


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Thu, 11-25-2004 - 6:25am

I don't know much about shots myself, never tried. Any substance that enters body via injection carries greater potential side-effects, so look up researches and perhaps talk to your obgyn to see if it's for you. What I meant by skipping or delaying period using hormone therapy just basically mean taking BC pills in a way so that your body is "tricked". Your BC pills come in a pack of 28, right? The last seven pills actually contains nothing. They're only there to help you remember the pill-taking routine. So once you stop intake the hormones (contained in the other 21 pills), your brain sends the signal to menstrate. You can trick your body by taking the first 21 pills then continue immediately onto the beginnig of next pack of pills. Of course, check with your doctor first to see if this is okay for you. Another way is taking just the hormone progesterone (which BC pills contain), but it isn't a contraceptive, it's used as treatment for irregular hormone levels (which is my case), delaying period, or regulating period. Anyway, since you are already taking BC pills, check with your doctor if it's okay to take it to skip period on a special occasion, and it will mean that your period will be on a different schedule. I know women who take BC pills continuously to avoid period for years, but it really isn't good. Regular menstration every month or at least every other month is important for health reasons.

You do know how to masturbate, so do it... buy a new vibrator if you need one. Women shouldn't stop masturbating just because they're in a relationship. Fulfilling each other's sexual needs gives you great intimacy, but a woman shouldn't be completely dependent on her partner to satisfy her physical needs, she should maintain her ability to fulfill her own needs. This way she'll be less dependent and needy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Thu, 11-25-2004 - 3:46pm

Everything seems fine to me then. While you are not happy with the hours that he works you can understand why he is working those long hours, you can see a result in the near future (the apartment), and you are supporting him the best that you can while he is working these hours. It sounds like he will be able to quit one of the jobs in February and will be able to see more of you.

He is not taking advantage of your sexually as some of the others suggested. You are happy to take care of his needs despite not being able to have sex with him. That also is fine.

The trouble seems to be that you are grumpy because you haven't been able to have an orgasm. The title to this discussion is "Why won't he put out... grrr...". Well, you have answered that yourself and you tell us you are OK with his work situation and that you don't want him to change what he is doing. That means that the problem isn't HIM, it's YOU.

What do YOU do until February when he can quit a job and see you more? Like the others have suggested, I think that you will have to masturbate. If you don't want to ask him to change anything then there isn't a lot else that you can do. Yes, going on the Pill or the shot will stop you having periods if you want. But it will take a couple of months for it to kick in and it will be February by then anyway. It would be a good alternate form of birth control anyway so maybe you should consider getting yourself on it?

There is no instant fix for you. Whatever happens is going to take a couple of months to sort out. The only thing that I can suggest is that you ask him to quit one job and get the apartment later in the year.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Sat, 11-27-2004 - 12:00am

If you're happy with the way things are, then why are you complaining? This guy barely has time to eat, sleep and breathe, you accept that (you SAY) but you're blaming him for not having orgasms? He doesn't give you orgasms, anyway. But, have you heard of masturbation? If it's that important to you, take care of it yourself.

Also, I think you're confused about PMS. That is PRE menstrual syndrome, and has NOTHING to do with your period, or having sex. It's around the time you're ovulating, and actually, sex is good for you at that time, because it raises your endorphin levels, and makes you feel better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2003
Sat, 11-27-2004 - 3:08pm
Yes, the shot stops your period. I started it in May of 2003, and after a month or so, my periods completely stopped. I had a lot of spotting, but it wasn't really bloody, so it didn't affect sex. You have to visit your gyno, and the shot I believe is 80 something dollars every 3 months. It's definitely worth it, if your periods are that bad. I hope I helped!