Wife and I want Threesome

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2006
Wife and I want Threesome
71
Mon, 05-15-2006 - 2:14pm

Hello
My wife and I are looking to do our first threesome. We both enjoy talking about it when having sex, and she really gets off talking about it. She has picked out a guy that she says does IT for her; they’ve made out and have done some light touching and rubbing. Here is the thing she wants to go to bed with him first and enjoy him without me, and then introduce me into the act later. Now this excites me to no end and she knows it. Should I allow her to do this alone at first and then join in, or should I insist on being there the first time? We are both open with each other and express our desires with one another. She say’s she will tell me everything that happens afterwards…..DO I LET THIS HAPPEN…

AROUSED AT THE THOUGHT!

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Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
Sat, 05-20-2006 - 6:40am

"Besides who says he'll get her pregnant, Maybe I will."

Maybe but my point was merely that you might not and even if there is the slightly chance someone else might be the father if it happens, you have to consider it.

"The other guy will never know it's his he doesn't have to know."

The guy has a brain doesn't he? I think if your wife got pregnant around the time he was/is having sex with her, he'd automatically know theres a good chance it might be his!

But he doesn't have to know he's a father? I'm sorry but I think he has the right to know if it happens. And I also think he has the right to know your feelings towards this, how would he feel if he knew all of this? Would he still be okay with the threesome? He has a right to know your plans for every possible senario, have you spoken to him about how he would feel if he did indeed father a child but have it be raised by you? Is your wife using ANY form of birth control? If not, he has a right to know that as well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Sat, 05-20-2006 - 4:48pm

Hang about, I'm not clear on this one. Are you saying that you are NOT using any birthcontrol during the threesomes with this other guy?

I agree with ukgirl if this is the situation.

I really think that this is something that you need to consider more carefully. A threesome is one thing, but I bet that the other guy didn't count on the possibility that he might become a father in all this. There are some serious moral and, indeed, legal issues to consider in all this now. You're not just talking about having some fun in a threesome. You're talking about, well..., I could go on for ages about what we're talking about.

Anyway, back to the subject. Your wife IS on birthcontrol, isn't she?




Edited 5/20/2006 9:40 pm ET by westridge2001
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-31-2006 - 5:38pm

Narrow minded or realistic? The stats say that this lifestyle doesn't work long term. Why? Because it's very risky. So, maybe I'm just realistic. It all depends on your point of view and personal values, doesn't it?

I just don't believe that taking enormous risks by sharing your sex life with others is protecting or nurturing your marriage. IMO, it's simply tossing the dice and hoping for the best. You simply have no guarentee that the NEXT experience won't have terrible lasting repercussions. Isn't that the very definition of taking a risk?

Bottom line, my marriage is more valuable to me than a few kinky MOMENTARY thrills with someone else.




Edited 5/31/2006 5:47 pm ET by katmandoo2001
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-31-2006 - 5:49pm

What? You mean she couldn't live on love? Yes.....once again, Karma bites one on the butt, doesn't it? LOL!




Edited 5/31/2006 5:51 pm ET by katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2004
Wed, 05-31-2006 - 6:27pm

Kat, I'm with you. I can't for the life of me understand how people can take such risks for an orgasm(or a few); but I think that I am somewhat opening my mind on this topic. Maybe it's something similar to a sword swallower.....let me explain what I mean.

When I look at a sword swallower(or a flame swallower for that matter), the first thing that pops into my head is "How did they train themselves to do this?" I mean, it only makes sense that they had to take grave risks and get hurt along the way, right? I would never in a million years "try" anything of the likes of either of them. But somehow, these people just "know" that they are cut out for this. They must study everything on the topic, use mentors, or whatever, before they attempt to do this the first time. I'm sure that they get "burned" along the way as well.

Well.....anyway, what I was trying to get at(and may have failed to do ;-)) is that I've come to think of those who desire threesomes to be similar in thought to the professional sword swallower/flame swallower - to them, it's a walk in the park. So different from me, a person who cannot even fathom sticking a sword or flame anywhere near my mouth. To them, it's not as high-risk as it would be for moi(chicken little....tee hee).

Note, I'm not saying that they are always successful(think Roy of "Siegfried and Roy"), just that they are very confident going in that will be. To them, the risks are minimal, whereas to you and I, they wouldn't be. Our reality is not their reality.

Those are my thoughts on it anyhow. ;-)

Imagination is more important than knowledge." (Albert Einstein )
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-31-2006 - 10:06pm

Well, regardless of how one VIEWS this lifestyle choice, it's STILL always a risk, isn't it? No matter how well thought out, planned, researched, and discussed, that remains the same. AND it explains the reaction many couples have when it doesn't work out as they so meticulously planned.

There just seem to be a LOT of adrenaline junkies out there. Ex-President Clinton, comes immediately to mind! LOL!

So really, whether it's base jumping, sky diving, race car driving, bullriding, or THIS lifestyle choice, it's all about the same thing, isn't it? It's about doing something that is dangerous/thrilling enough to risk either your life or your relationship for. For an adrenaline rush, essentially.

I've never required that kind of thrill to feel alive, happy and content in my life or marriage. Thankfully. It seems that many do though. And that's why they view a monogamous lifestyle as very boring and restrictive. And those of us who choose it as narrow-minded.




Edited 6/1/2006 11:23 am ET by katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2004
Thu, 06-01-2006 - 3:06pm

Well the original poster already did the 3some, but I have some comments about it in general. I dont feel as strongly as you do katmandoo, but I have some thoughts on the lifestyle.

I have no problem with the "lifestyle" although I personally would never do it. For one it doesnt interest me, number two, I know my SO. She forms emotional attachments easily. If I did it, I would be walking into a death trap, DESPITE us having EXCELLENT communication skills.

I think couples need that extra perception before considering a 3some. It isnt just communication skills as everyone else says. You have to know: a) If the other person can stop emotions and completely walk away if the situation called for it; b) If logic and loyalty completely supercede current emotional attachments; c) If your SO can ARTICULATE and UNDERSTAND feelings at an early stage, and not just COMMUNICATE poorly articulated feelings; d) If your SO forms VERY strong, strong, or not so strong emotional connections during great sex.

Many times, the situation is so "confusing" that real emotions cannot be expressed or understood until its too late. It is hard to perform a thoughtful analysis on a situation like a third party. The emotions are just so fun, intense, new, AND confusing. Also, you have to talk about the worst case scenario and possible exit strategies should your perfect little idea become less perfect. You have to discuss every possible boundary you can think of before the boundary is crossed.

Remember, relationships are hard because you and your mate have your own feelings, thoughts, assumptions, reactions, etc. When you add in a third party and are not careful, you potentially add one more very complicated layer to your relationship. If your relationship was only above-average before, it has the potential of being below-average or non-existant. It takes a very special couple to successfully pull the lifestyle off long term.

I have a test for you or anyone else who tries this lifestyle.

1) Let's say 3 weeks from now your wife was having the best time of her life. One night, the 3 of you finish up a session and she notices that you just dont seem yourself, that you seem a little down. Do you think she will bring it up and say "Are you still okay with this arrangement....it doesnt look like it....maybe we should end it here and just focus on each other". If you non-verbally communicate discomfort, will she notice and act accordingly?

2) If you or your SO got hurt or jealous in this situation, could the damage be completely undone? This takes two very strong and mature people.

3) If you had any disagreement over the situation, do you think she would automatically say "lets end this while we sort things out", or would she continue to try and resolve the disagreement and keep this thing going? If you were currently arguing about anything in your relationship unrelated to the 3some, do you think she would say "this isnt the safest time to engage in our activity", or would she say, "just becasue we are arguing about finances that doesnt mean we cant still have our great 3some sex"?

Anyhow, I am glad you are enjoying it. I have seen many of these situations crash and burn, so consider what I and others have said, and best of luck to you.

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-01-2006 - 4:33pm

Yes, the OP has already done it....ONCE. Each time is a risk though, not just the 1st. So, we'll see if he comes back in 6 mos. or a year and is still waxing poetic about it.

I think couples often make the mistake of believing that they ARE in complete control of themselves and everyone involved and that they CAN stop attachments and feelings from developing with just a little communication. That it's all as easy as making a choice not to let it happen.

My argument is that bonds, attachments and feelings naturally FORM from sharing intense, intimate personal experiences with other people. So, it's just silly to believe that they will always walk away so easily. But I truly believe the attraction to the lifestyle is that very potential danger and risk of losing it all. Once again, Pres. Clinton comes to mind.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2004
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 3:38am

~My argument is that bonds, attachments and feelings naturally FORM from sharing intense, intimate personal experiences with other people. So, it's just silly to believe that they will always walk away so easily. But I truly believe the attraction to the lifestyle is that very potential danger and risk of losing it all.~

I agree. It is tough to just walk away. Some people are extraodinarily disciplined, and most are not. I suspect most people cannot just pick up and walk away as easily as i mentioned in my post, but if you do some research on couples that succeed in this lifestyle, they are able to do it. I have no idea whether the posters' wife would be able to pick up and stop everything at the drop of a hat if the poster became uncomfortable. I dont even know if he knows, or she does. What I do know is given his desciption of the situation, there is a strong chance the posters' wife will get fleeting moments (spikes) of intense emotion towards the third party. Whether or not she can mitigate those emotions, or she can terminate the situation at the first hint of danger is the real question that I do not have the answer too. I hope for the posters' sake, everthing goes smoothly.

I am glad he enjoyed himself. If it were me, I would have a 2-3 more wild times, then call it quits while I still could!

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 11:00am
I agree. There are some people who just don't seem to equate sex with intimacy. They almost view it as exercise, instead of an intimate act. Women, typically, DO though. So, a married couple engaging in this lifestyle will always run the risk of one falling in love with a 3rd party or at least, falling OUT of love with their spouse. Particularly, if those experiences only highlight the spouses' shortcomings.


Edited 6/2/2006 4:04 pm ET by katmandoo2001

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