Wife Low Sex Drive & Lack of Interest
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Wife Low Sex Drive & Lack of Interest
| Wed, 04-18-2007 - 9:06am |
Hello,
This is my first time on your board. I have a great wife who works 24/7 with four kids however she is so wrapped up in work it is hard to get her and I alone. When we do she has no interest in sex. It has been like this for years. She does not know how to relax and have fun. I try to do everything I can around the house to make things easier. When we do make love she says she feels nothing and has zero libido. She goes to the doctor soon for her annual exam and I wanted to get any suggestion from people on ways to increase libido for women? Any prescriptions available! Thanks!
This is my first time on your board. I have a great wife who works 24/7 with four kids however she is so wrapped up in work it is hard to get her and I alone. When we do she has no interest in sex. It has been like this for years. She does not know how to relax and have fun. I try to do everything I can around the house to make things easier. When we do make love she says she feels nothing and has zero libido. She goes to the doctor soon for her annual exam and I wanted to get any suggestion from people on ways to increase libido for women? Any prescriptions available! Thanks!

Well it sounds normal for her not to want sex with 4 kids and the stress
mentally and physically. I don't know how old she is but menopause could be
a factor. If that is the case all she needs is hormones. I would ask the Doc.
about other ways to help her sex drive. I wouldn't buy over the counter In less
the Doc recommends one. Maybe all yall need is a day or 2 away from the kids
and the house! I'm a mother myself and It's real easy to not feel sexy. When you
don't feel sexy sex just doesn't work. I think it's awesome that you help as much
as you can. Try going out somewhere nice. Buy her a sexy outfit or dress.
I always feel better when I know I look awesome. I bet you both need
a break.
That's my thoughts
kareese
There are so many reasons women get turned off by sex....it could be something in her past, it could be that you're not satisfying her, and she doesn't know how to tell you that, it could be that she's simply too tired and stressed out to be able to relax and enjoy it. It could be that she doesn't WANT to enjoy it.
Have her get her hormone levels checked by the doctor (if she WANTS to improve things). Hormones can go out of whack at any time, but particularly for a year or so after having a baby (how old are your children?) or during peri-menopause, menopause itself, or even certain physical problems, or certain medications, antidepressants being the major culprit for women. And there are NO OTC medications or prescriptions that will increase libido except hormones, IF she needs them.
Last but not least, some people who simply have a problem getting "alone" time actually make "dates" with each other. Get a sitter on Saturday night and take her out for a nice dinner and a few drinks. Don't wait till you're alone to "romance" her.....you can do that all day and in front of your children. A little hug, a kiss on the cheek, or even on the mouth. Women respond better when they feel they're loved ALL the time, not just when you get into bed.
Most important of all......TALK to her! Explain how YOU feel. Ask her if you couldn't work something out that both of you can live with. Communication helps a lot.
Welcome to the board greathusband. I know that when my kids were younger (I was also a daycare mom with 6 other kids around), I was so exhausted and over stimulated by the end of the day that sex was the furthest thing from my mind. Luckily, my marriage survived, and our sex life is better than it's ever been.
The truth is, there is no clear cut path I can give you to get back to where the two of you once were. I'm not sure how old your kids are, but for us, they had to become a bit more independent and some of the other stresses in our life had to lighten as well.
One of the problems is that she is letting the kids zap her energy. It's much easier to think she can control that then it actually is to control it, but she does need to learn to make some other things a priority in her life. It's difficult to feel sexy when you're wiping noses, changing diapers and playing taxi mom all day long. Do the two of you get opportunities for date nights? Does she get some time to herself each day? It's very difficult to change gears, but if she has some down time each day that can help her to rejuvenate. The kids are going to demand the majority of her attention, but she needs to create a balance of sorts.
Is she taking any medications? Birth control pills, anti-depressants and other medications can kill her desire as can the onset of menopause. If she is taking a medication, she should discuss that with her doctor. She may also be suffering from depression -- which can hurt her libido too. When she sees her doctor, she should mention that she has lost interest in sex. The doctor will be able to examine her and make recommendations. If there isn't a physical reason (or one caused by medication), you can talk with her about couples counseling. The therapist there will help the two of you learn ways to make your relationship a priority.
We're happy to offer suggestions here, but you may also find some more advice at the Mismatched Libido board. Here's the link:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlclashing
If you visit that board, you will be able to get insight from people who are HL and LL. Sometimes that is helpful.
Good luck, and I hope the doctors visit brings some new light into the situation.
Dear Misty & All:
Thanks for the replies they are informative.
FYI....
I have 17, 16, 14 & 10 year old kids (B-G-G-G) at home.
Three in high school.
Alot of time my wife does not get to find time for herself and acting as a carpool
and punching bag takes it out of her. I am really trying to help understand and not think about myself. She has a low self esteem issue but I think TLC takes care of much of this.
Thanks again,
Wow -- punching bag is the EXACT term I use!!!! I have raised 2 step-kids that have been on their own for a few years, but I do have a almost 15 yo and almost 12 yo -- both sons. The 15 yo in particular takes jabs at me during every waking hour. I remember those years with my DSD also.
Does your wife have anyone to talk with? That can make a huge difference. Is she concerned about her lack of sexual desire? Also, are the two of you affectionate around the children? My kids know that DH and I like & love each other, we're each others best friends, etc. I think it's nice for them to see that. We also don't have any qualms about telling them it's our time. Often, we need a half-hour or hour to just sit and unwind together, talking over a beer. They have to leave us alone during that time. Also, at their ages, they should be able to stay home for an hour or two so that the two of you can at least go out to dinner and relax. (If you do that, they can fend for themselves by grazing in the kitchen. Cereal is always a "free" food in our house, but ordering pizza for them also works.) Does your wife work during the day? If she is a SAHM, perhaps she can find some things to do that will restore her energy (exercise, a nap, etc.).
Perhaps she can escape a bit into the computer herself. iVillage is a womans network, so she will find some great resources here. She can visit the Love & Sex channel to ask questions, or she may want to visit the community for parents of kids at all stages. In particular, she may find the "Tween", "Teen", or "Being a Mom" board helpful.
Here's the link to the boards for parents:
http://parenting.ivillage.com/
Also with children that age, she probably is in the peri-menopausal stage. For some women the hormonal changes seem to lift their libido (drastically in my case), and in other women it seems to kill it. The doctor can treat her if this is the case.
Sending big {{{{H U G S}}}} to you and your wife. Glad that you are being understanding and trying to help her. Since my kids were infants, my favorite saying has been "this too shall pass". When the going gets tough, I often repeat that to myself. If I'm feeling really down, I remember what it was in the past that has already passed (which is reassuring), and start looking forward to a brighter tomorrow.