Will it ever get better?
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Will it ever get better?
| Wed, 06-11-2008 - 3:07pm |
I want to know some opinions on whether my sexual life will ever improve.
| Wed, 06-11-2008 - 3:07pm |
I want to know some opinions on whether my sexual life will ever improve.
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Galileo Galilei
Magenta Starr – would you join me for tea?
Hi and welcome eventguy. Stick around and jump in anytime. The people here are great. Hey, will you do me a favor? Pretty please, with sugar on top? Fill in your profile so we can know something about you. Thanks a million!
On your question... I hate to say it, but I don't think it will get any better. Some people just aren't interested in sex.
I come from a background similar to your fiancee's. My parents very rarely kissed, hugged, said "I love you," etc. I was
You know, I truely believe that anyone can learn to get more in touch with their sexual side.
Only having sex once a month, before the wedding, sets off huge alarm bells. A commonly accepted definition of a sexless relationship is when a couple has sex 10 times a year or less. You are perilously close to that already, in the courtship phase of your relationship. However much sex you are having now, it will be less after the wedding -- and however much sex you are having in the "honeymoon" phase of your marriage, it will be less once kids start to come along. You could very easily find yourself, in the not too distant future, having sex once a year, or once every five years, and wondering WTF happened and how your life became such a joke. There's another commonly held truism that sex is 10% of what it takes to make up a marriage, but to a person whose sexual needs aren't being met, it can seem like 90% of the problem.
In your shoes, I would be very careful about entering into marriage with this problem unresolved. If you end up deciding that the two of you are sexually incompatible and that it's impossible for you to remain in the relationship, it will be much easier to extricate yourself now and attempt to find a partner with whom you're more sexually compatible than it will after you and your fiancée have made a legal commitment to one another.
Eventguy, you REALLY have to stop "romanticizing" this situation.
Welcome to the board, eventguy. I think your intentions are admirable, but the bottom line is: she's the only one who can change how she feels.
There's really no way for us to know if she is just naturally lower libido, or if she's a bit mixed up on her thoughts about sex. There's also the possibility of medical issues, medications, etc. that can interfere with libido.
Some medical things to consider: birth control pills or hormonal birth control, anti-depressants, being depressed, and hormone levels are just a place to start. Within each person, hi or lo libido, there are fluctuations too. Stages of life, stress, hormone levels and such affect that all throughout an adults life.
It's easy to be on the outside saying you will make this all work out, but believe me when I say you aren't the first, nor will you be the last who didn't beat the odds here. While sex is very important, the entire intimacy within the relationship will become compromised if either of you begins to feel resentful about this. She may become resentful because she feels that you are always begging her for it .... you may become resentful because you feel rejected. Whatever the cause, entering into a marriage, thinking it will work itself out is not the best choice you can make.
Marriage counseling is a great idea, but I would step outside of the church for some counseling as well. Guilt doesn't just turn off one day, like at the altar. She has not been free to be a sexual person, for whatever reasons (religion, parental teachings, holding herself back, etc.). While counseling through the church will be helpful (it will release her from sin if she's married), it won't take care of issues like masturbation (unless it's to further complicate her embarrassment about it).
Another step I would recommend is for her to see a doctor. Get a physical, mention that her libido is very low, and get some medical advice about it. If there is a medical contribution to her low libido, that alone could fix it.
You said "People want instant gratification and arent willing to work on or wait for anything." That's so true! But in your case, it doesn't sound like you are both working on the problem. She may not even feel she has a problem (most people with low libido's don't). To further complicate the issue, you have the things she has been taught about sex causing difficulty with her even understanding her libido. That which she doesn't understand, or see as a problem, are not going to be things she will put a lot of effort into changing. Hell, if she talks to enough of her friends, she might even be told that it's normal to not like sex! You can have all the desire, all the want that you can find -- but it WON'T change her. She's the only person who can do that. (Okay, I know that's something I repeated here.)
Please do take this seriously. I had a very high libido when I was younger. I completely lost it when I was in my 30s. To this day, I'm still not sure how it didn't destroy my marriage, but luckily, it didn't. I was very depressed at the time -- I'm still in shock that I didn't even recognize that MY libido was missing. These things are just not as easy to fix as you might think they are. Seriously.
I wish you luck on whatever decisions you do make.
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Please don't fool yourself into believing that things will get better.
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