Will it ever get better?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2008
Will it ever get better?
17
Wed, 06-11-2008 - 3:07pm

I want to know some opinions on whether my sexual life will ever improve.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2007
Wed, 06-11-2008 - 3:23pm
Hi eventguy, and welcome! Don't kid yourself, it isn't always men who have a higher sex drive than women. There are plenty of women who have very high libidos. Hopefully, you'll meet one some day.

Because I would suggest that you go and read up on the Mismatched Libidos board, and ask you questions there, rather than here. You're not married yet, and the folks on ML have a lot of experience, frustration and heartbreak to share with you. I think you'll get some straight feedback on that board, here's the link:

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/main.asp?webtag=iv-rlclashing&nav=start

Good luck.

Magenta-siggy

I've loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night. -
Galileo Galilei

lifesavers roll

Magenta Starr - LTAS Life Saver Award Recipient – 2008

Diva card

Magenta Starr – would you join me for tea?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2008
Wed, 06-11-2008 - 3:44pm
As a general rule of thumb - whatever is troublesome before marriage will be amplified after marriage. If you see that you are not sexually compatible, it wont work.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2006
Wed, 06-11-2008 - 4:13pm

Hi and welcome eventguy. Stick around and jump in anytime. The people here are great. Hey, will you do me a favor? Pretty please, with sugar on top? Fill in your profile so we can know something about you. Thanks a million!


On your question... I hate to say it, but I don't think it will get any better. Some people just aren't interested in sex.



28999825.jpg picture by nhgal2006

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2007
Wed, 06-11-2008 - 4:16pm

I come from a background similar to your fiancee's. My parents very rarely kissed, hugged, said "I love you," etc. I was

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2008
Wed, 06-11-2008 - 4:35pm

You know, I truely believe that anyone can learn to get more in touch with their sexual side.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2006
Wed, 06-11-2008 - 4:46pm
Short answer: it might get better, but only if she recognizes that there's a problem and wants it to get better. I am in a ML (mixed libido) marriage, and my situation did get better for me. It's a commonly held truism in ML relationships, though, that the LL partner is the one who controls the amount and type of sex taking place. Basically, she's getting all the sex she needs, so she has difficulty understanding your "problem" -- and the unspoken agreement is that you're supposed to accept the situation as it is, not complain about it, and remain monogamous. Go check out the Mismatched Libidos board. You will find plenty of heartache over there from people who have been living in your situation for decades, hoping against hope that somehow, someday, things will miraculously get better.

Only having sex once a month, before the wedding, sets off huge alarm bells. A commonly accepted definition of a sexless relationship is when a couple has sex 10 times a year or less. You are perilously close to that already, in the courtship phase of your relationship. However much sex you are having now, it will be less after the wedding -- and however much sex you are having in the "honeymoon" phase of your marriage, it will be less once kids start to come along. You could very easily find yourself, in the not too distant future, having sex once a year, or once every five years, and wondering WTF happened and how your life became such a joke. There's another commonly held truism that sex is 10% of what it takes to make up a marriage, but to a person whose sexual needs aren't being met, it can seem like 90% of the problem.


In your shoes, I would be very careful about entering into marriage with this problem unresolved. If you end up deciding that the two of you are sexually incompatible and that it's impossible for you to remain in the relationship, it will be much easier to extricate yourself now and attempt to find a partner with whom you're more sexually compatible than it will after you and your fiancée have made a legal commitment to one another.


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Wed, 06-11-2008 - 5:10pm

Eventguy, you REALLY have to stop "romanticizing" this situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Wed, 06-11-2008 - 5:23pm

Welcome to the board, eventguy. I think your intentions are admirable, but the bottom line is: she's the only one who can change how she feels.

There's really no way for us to know if she is just naturally lower libido, or if she's a bit mixed up on her thoughts about sex. There's also the possibility of medical issues, medications, etc. that can interfere with libido.

Some medical things to consider: birth control pills or hormonal birth control, anti-depressants, being depressed, and hormone levels are just a place to start. Within each person, hi or lo libido, there are fluctuations too. Stages of life, stress, hormone levels and such affect that all throughout an adults life.

It's easy to be on the outside saying you will make this all work out, but believe me when I say you aren't the first, nor will you be the last who didn't beat the odds here. While sex is very important, the entire intimacy within the relationship will become compromised if either of you begins to feel resentful about this. She may become resentful because she feels that you are always begging her for it .... you may become resentful because you feel rejected. Whatever the cause, entering into a marriage, thinking it will work itself out is not the best choice you can make.

Marriage counseling is a great idea, but I would step outside of the church for some counseling as well. Guilt doesn't just turn off one day, like at the altar. She has not been free to be a sexual person, for whatever reasons (religion, parental teachings, holding herself back, etc.). While counseling through the church will be helpful (it will release her from sin if she's married), it won't take care of issues like masturbation (unless it's to further complicate her embarrassment about it).

Another step I would recommend is for her to see a doctor. Get a physical, mention that her libido is very low, and get some medical advice about it. If there is a medical contribution to her low libido, that alone could fix it.

You said "People want instant gratification and arent willing to work on or wait for anything." That's so true! But in your case, it doesn't sound like you are both working on the problem. She may not even feel she has a problem (most people with low libido's don't). To further complicate the issue, you have the things she has been taught about sex causing difficulty with her even understanding her libido. That which she doesn't understand, or see as a problem, are not going to be things she will put a lot of effort into changing. Hell, if she talks to enough of her friends, she might even be told that it's normal to not like sex! You can have all the desire, all the want that you can find -- but it WON'T change her. She's the only person who can do that. (Okay, I know that's something I repeated here.)

Please do take this seriously. I had a very high libido when I was younger. I completely lost it when I was in my 30s. To this day, I'm still not sure how it didn't destroy my marriage, but luckily, it didn't. I was very depressed at the time -- I'm still in shock that I didn't even recognize that MY libido was missing. These things are just not as easy to fix as you might think they are. Seriously.

I wish you luck on whatever decisions you do make.



Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

CL ~ Let's Talk Toys

follow me to my partners in the siggy exchange:
Guard & Reserves Families ~ Secrets of Married Sex

Click here and tell me:
Do you Surf the Net for Porn?




iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2002
Wed, 06-11-2008 - 8:52pm

Please don't fool yourself into believing that things will get better.

 


 


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2008
Wed, 06-11-2008 - 9:07pm
This is obviously a huge issue for you...so I would encourage you to sit her down, and tell her straight up that this is a huge problem for you, and that she needs to show you that she is really willing to work on this with you to resolve it...now keep in mind resolving it may just be that you are not sexually compatable...she may naturally be a lower libido level than you....and then you may have to make a decision, one that nobody but you can make...can you live with it...and if there is any question in your mind, I would seriously consider putting off getting married..you should never get married while in your mind thinking you are going to change someone..that is a mistake I see all to often..people that get married thinking they will change the other...it seldom works out that way...now that said...I am just assuming that this is a huge issue for you..just judging by your post...now when DH and I got married, as I believe the majority of couples..he was the HL and I was the LL..and by low, I mean low...it definately was not a priority to me...and never having felt what he did, I did not understand what he was going through..I just thought it was no big deal..now fast forward 20yrs....yes that is what I said 20yrs....and my switch finally turns on...just a year ago..now I cannot get enough...and of course as luck would have it, with age he is slowing down...so now the roles are completely reversed..now the difference is...we both now understand how the other one felt...so it is now much easier to communicate and understand what the other one is feeling..so we have been succesful at compromising..and now both of us for the first time in a long time, feel satisified...Now one advantage I can see that you have over DH and myself, is you are obviously one who likes to communicate, which is great...my DH was not as good at this, and just kept alot inside, and then would just get mad at me when I was never in the mood...alot of arguing to say the least...So I have been in her shoes, my family was very similar..and I understand what it feels like, to just not want to do it...and now I can also see your point as well..the question is, can you get her to engage in the solution, and get her to open up and communicate, and get that compromise that will be needed??
cl-sandif2008

Pages