Will we ever...?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2005
Will we ever...?
6
Tue, 06-28-2005 - 2:38pm

Okay, here's my situation. I've been with my boyfriend for almost a year. I'm very happy with him, and we're very much in love. We know we're in it for the long haul. But our relationship is a little tricky. I'm a survivor of incest, 20 years old, a virgin, have had depression and anxiety for most of my life, and this is my first serious relationship. He is almost 29, much more experienced sexually, but very respectful, loving, considerate of me, etc. The problem is, we haven't had intercourse yet and that bothers me. I know I should wait until I'm ready, but I feel like I should have already lost my virginity. But it's scary for me, and I'm 4'11", 90-something pounds, and he's 6'2" almost 200 pounds. We have a good "sex life" we just don't have intercourse. We have a lot of foreplay and oral sex. We have tried to have intercourse, but I just don't get very wet and it HURTS. I fill like he just won't fit. It hurts for him, too, because he's uncircumcised and the tightness pulls at his foreskin. He's never just "rammed" it in there, which would probably work, but he feels like it would scar me emotionally and he loves me so much he just doesn't want to physically inflict pain on me. So we just stop and do what we normally do. But I feel inadequate and babyish for not going ahead with it, even though he says our relationship is fine, I satisfy him, and we will get through this. Please give me any suggestions, techniques, stories of similar experiences, etc. Thanks.

Kelly

Avatar for nodinero
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2005
In reply to: msbert85
Tue, 06-28-2005 - 3:00pm
I'm a survivor as well. I think it's great that you found a very sensitive man who is willing to be patient and do things at the rate you are comfortable with. I was raped at 4 so technically I wasn't a "virgin" but I still considered myself to be since I didn't have consentual intercourse with a man. It was hard for me to open up at first but I was lucky to find a very sensitive man. I dated my dh for six months before we had intercourse and I have to tell you it has been very healing for me to be with him. I've completely moved past my molestation and my sex drive actually is a lot more active than his. My dh is also uncircumsised as well so I know about the foreskin sensitivity. I think some lubricant will do the trick, and they have so many different varieties. I just got some of the KY warming lubricant, which is fun to use! I like to put the lubricant on my hand and give dh a really sensual hand job to get things going. I also like for him to use it on me and with both sexual organs lubed up, it's easy as pie!

 

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
In reply to: msbert85
Tue, 06-28-2005 - 3:58pm

re: Will we ever...?
emoticon:
message #: 17383.x in response to 17383.1
from: unknown
to: msbert85
date: 3:50 pm

There's NO specific age that you "should" lose your virginity. You lose it when the time is right....no matter if you're 20, 30 or 40. With all the different ways of pleasing each other, intercourse is just incidental......it's not the be all end all of sex. If your b/f is happy with the way things are going, then DON'T rush it.

I'm also wondering if you've had any counselling to help you get past what happened to you. It's very rare that anyone can do it without help. You may THINK you've gotten it behind you, but that's what's probably causing you to be "tight" and making it impossible to do.

And NO, him "ramming" it in will NOT help in any way.....that would be just like being raped! As the other poster said, try some sexual lubricant....it can't make you bigger, but it CAN help with insertion.

You're very lucky that you have such an understanding partner, and you should follow his lead.....and let things happen when they happen, instead of feeling that you "should" be having intercourse. It will happen when it's time for it to happen. You aren't inadequate, or babyish, you're just not ready yet.

Also, if you're taking an antidepressant, those can have sexual side effects, which could account for your lack of arousal and lubrication. If you're not taking Wellbutrin, ask your doctor if you can switch to that.....it is supposed to have less sexual side effects than any other brand.


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
In reply to: msbert85
Tue, 06-28-2005 - 4:25pm

There is no reason that not having intercourse should bother you, make you feel inadequate or babyish.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2005
In reply to: msbert85
Tue, 06-28-2005 - 8:13pm

Thanks to everybody for your advice. I really like this message board. Nobody is being judgmental and that's awesome. I am seeking therapy, and my antidepressants (effexor xr) probably do cause side effects with me. I think it's also just me finding a comfortable niche with my sexuality. Believe me, I know how fortunate I am to have such a sweet, patient man. He's great. All he wants is for me to be happy, comfortable, and satisfied. I never thought I could find a man like that. It's nice to see that there are survivors on this board who have succeeded in finding a good relationship and developing a healthy sex life. It really inspires me. Thanks again. I will definitely be sticking around.

Kelly

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
In reply to: msbert85
Tue, 06-28-2005 - 9:24pm

I was on Zoloft first, then Effexor XR, both giving me major sexual side effects.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2004
In reply to: msbert85
Wed, 06-29-2005 - 2:09am
As far as antidepressants go, I take Wellbutrin and haven't had any sexual side effects. In fact, I think it just made me hornier, especially at first trying to get used to it (but then again, I also edge on bipolar and that could have something to do with it). issytish is right, however, about it not helping with anything PTSD related. I never had problems with anxiety and I never really dreamed much, but I do now with the wellbutrin. Anyhow, I suppose this is really no help, just wanted to add my input about the meds. I've never had a real problem with it, especially in the sex department. Good luck!