Withholding...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2005
Withholding...
11
Sun, 02-12-2006 - 12:33pm

I have a question for y'all. Do you withhold sex when you aren't happy with your mate? Does your emotional relationship affect your libido? Or are you always ready and can keep the other issues out of the bedroom? Okay that's more than one question. Take your pick if you don't want to answer them all.

PS...what's the difference again between affect and effect?

 

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
In reply to: tr1720
Sun, 02-12-2006 - 3:14pm

Neither of us withholds sex from each other due to an argument or being upset with the other.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2005
In reply to: tr1720
Sun, 02-12-2006 - 3:19pm
Yes, but...in all honesty, doesn't your desire for him go away when you aren't getting along? And you'd better say yes! You're seriously bringing me down with how perfect you guys are! We'll never get there.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
In reply to: tr1720
Sun, 02-12-2006 - 4:19pm

Oh believe me, we are very far away


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
In reply to: tr1720
Sun, 02-12-2006 - 4:43pm

Affect is a verb. It's what you do to something to produce an Effect. Effect is a noun. It's what happens when you Affect something.

You hope to Affect him by withholding sex. It may or may not produce the desired Effect.

When you raise children, many parents will take away a favorite toy if a child is bad. It doesn't really work with kids, and it doesn't work with adults, either.

If you have a problem, you deal with the problem. If you don't like his behavior in some way, you talk to him about it. Getting mad and witholding sex isn't going to change anything. Contrary to popular belief, guys CAN live without sex for a while. Eventually, you'll be the one who makes the first move, and wind up apologizing to him for your behavior......and nothing about his behavior will have changed. So what have you proven?

No one is perfect, but in a GOOD relationship, people talk. If he cares about you, he'll stop doing whatever it is that upset you. If he WON'T talk about it, or he won't change his behavior, guess who comes first in HIS mind? Not you!

The best relationship in the world has occasional problems. The difference between a good one and a bad one is that the two people have enough regard for each other to discuss the problem, and work out an equitable way for both to be happy. It's called compromise. If everything become a fight, and makes you angry, something is wrong.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2005
In reply to: tr1720
Sun, 02-12-2006 - 5:20pm
This is just a hypothetical question. My DH is lower libido so withholding wouldn't do me much good either way! LOL. Just thinking of a class I took recently and what the instructor had to say.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: tr1720
Sun, 02-12-2006 - 6:05pm

I've never withheld sex in an attempt to punish him, but I'll absolutely agree that other things going on will affect my libido and how I interact with him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2004
In reply to: tr1720
Sun, 02-12-2006 - 6:05pm
Definitely. My husband and I have been together for almost 30 years and we are just too very different people and both stubborn at that. It wasn't withholding because we just weren't interested if we were upset. At least I never came on to him, or he never came on to me. It didn't necessarily affect my sexual libido(I might even masturbate to relieve the stress ;-) or to go to sleep), I just had no libido for HIM. He's the same way(not a typical guy, I guess), so it didn't pose a problem. I just can't imagine though, having sex with someone I was upset with--however, people do do it. Doesn't solve the issue though.
Imagination is more important than knowledge." (Albert Einstein )
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2004
In reply to: tr1720
Sun, 02-12-2006 - 8:30pm
I can see if someone is really upset with their mate, they may not feel like having sex.. But then, I do know that there are some couples who fight with each other a lot..and they call it love.
That old saying " love means never having to say you are sorry" can have different meanings.. I like this meaning... When you truely love someone you never do the thing that would cause you to have say you are sorry. In other words , you dont do the things that piss off your mate that way you never have to say you are sorry.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2004
In reply to: tr1720
Sun, 02-12-2006 - 9:03pm

Well...Hump, DH and I didn't argue all of the time. I didn't mean to give that impression. We just didn't fall into the "never go to bed upset" category. For us, sometimes we needed to be alone for a few days to gather our thoughts, think about the other's POV and, yes, let our emotions mellow out to come to the table with a clearer perspective. Most of those issues were major and are long gone. We haven't had a major dispute in ages. I'm assuming that it comes with age.

Saying you're sorry is something you say to someone you hurt intentionally; having a difference of opinion is not the same thing. Neither DH nor I have done things to intentionally hurt one another, that's a horse of a different color. But, yes, I know what you mean about couples who "fight" with each other a lot over the stupidest things and insult, demean, berate each other only to be kissy faced a few hours later, only to repeat the same thing the next week, never to resolve whatever their true issues are.




Edited 2/12/2006 9:05 pm ET by rain_dancer_iam
Imagination is more important than knowledge." (Albert Einstein )
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2005
In reply to: tr1720
Sun, 02-12-2006 - 10:23pm
Well, I have to admit that I am a very "passionate" person and my emotions run very high and fast. I am now focusing on learning to disagree effectively. B4 I would get upset and try to talk to DH about it and he is very unemotional, so I would feel unheard and misunderstood, and then get worked up and stomp off crying. Now, I have to retrain myself to say I'm getting worked up and need some time to come back down, can we come back to this when I am? Which for us, means we won't be staying up talking until it is settled. Us seeing eye to eye is going to take a long time and a lot of work. If we even get there.
Everyone who knows us thinks we have the ideal relationship and says they want to be like us, but sometimes I think it is just compliance. I feel there is no real intimacy between us. My husband loves us but is never going to be the touchy feely, romantic man I want him to be. And I will never be the cool, level headed person he wishes I was. Ours are not fights of one doing something wrong as we are always conscious of how the other will feel, ours are fights of trying to get the intangible from a person who does not have that in their nature.

 

Pages