Wondering about this

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2004
Wondering about this
7
Fri, 02-10-2006 - 2:05pm

Hi there! I am probably overthinking this one to its death, but I'd appreciate any advice you could give me.

I've been with my bf for about a year and a half now. It's the longest and happiest relationship I've ever been in. It's taught me a lot of things, and helped me grow as a person.

Anyways, he was my first. We started having sex four months into the relationship. I was really good friends with him for years before that, so I was ready and happy. We would have sex, on average, once a week.

Now, it's really funny, because the relationship grew, and got better as time went on, and we started having sex less frequently. However, when we did have sex, it was awesome, and I actually came to orgasm, something I've never had happen during sex before.

We haven't had sex in awhile now, but during the past few months, we have both been extremely busy. He's had so much going on, and he works really long, hard hours during the day, so by nighttime, he's done. I haven't been much better, with a lot of things going on with me as well. I only see him half the week as well.

Right now in the relationship, I feel closer to him than I felt when we were having sex more frequently. He says he loves me way more than he did before. I know actions speak louder than words, but I just feel so much more comfortable. We can just sit and have a conversation about anything, we do a lot more together. Of course, we are still physical with kissing and hugging and things of that nature.

So here are my problems. First of all, I compare my relationship to everyone else's relationship. So when I hear that this girl or that girl has sex 3-4 times a week, I feel as though there's something wrong with my relationship.

My other problem has to do with trusting my birth control. My bf has never finished inside of me, and it's because I don't trust my pill. I have been taking it for over a year, I take my pill every day, perfectly on time, but still I don't trust it. I always think for some reason, it will not be absorbed for me, and will not work.

Can you give me some kind of advice?
Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2005
Fri, 02-10-2006 - 3:10pm

Your relationship sounds a lot like mine. If you're both happy with the amount, don't worry about a thing - it sounds like you have something great going. If you actually want more sex and he's too stressed or tired, etc, only then might you have an issue to work on.

As for birth control, if you're taking it properly, you have absolutely nothing to worry about. I've been on it for 9 years and never had any scares whatsoever. The only reason I have ever head of that a person might not be protected by the pill well enough is if they are very much overweight and metabolize it differently than most women. If this is any concern, talk to your doctor about it. Otherwise, try to relax and have fun letting your bf finish... I think that's the sexiest part of sex :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2005
Fri, 02-10-2006 - 3:40pm

Just to clarify - it's not that you don't have anything to worry about on the pill - it's just that you have a lot less to worry about. Most pills are about 98-99% effective. Plus, even if you don't let him finish inside you, his precum still contains some live sperm - so that's not a 100% method either.

The pill does work very effectively, especially the way you're using it, so if you can deal with 98 - 99% odds - go for it. The pulling out method really isn't decreasing your chances of getting pregnant, since you're already on the pill.

On the idea of having less sex, I think that happens with many relationships. At first it seems like you can't get enough of each other, but then things settle into a rhythm. As long as you're both happy - that's all that matters. We all have different sex drives, so you really can't compare yourself to other women.

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-10-2006 - 4:54pm

Don't compare your relationship with others. That only makes you doubt what you know to be true. And what's the point of that?

Do you two ever talk about your sex life and whether you're meeting one another's needs sufficiently? IF not, then that's a good place to start. If you're both satisfied with things as they are though, then don't worry about measuring up to anyone else's frequency.

But if you're avoiding sex because of your fear of birth control failure, then using a secondary back up form of birth control, like condoms, would put your mind to rest. It's highly unlikely that you would get pregnant if you take your pills the way you're supposed to though. Nothing is 100% guarenteed, other than abstinence, but the Pill is the closest we have.




Edited 2/10/2006 4:56 pm ET by katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2005
Sat, 02-11-2006 - 9:52am
Hi. First of all, don't compare yourself to others, even though it's so hard not too. People lie, especially on the internet. Trust me, everyone is not having wild crazy sex and multiple O's every night. There is so much pressure put on us. You can only go by what works for the 2 of you. Are you both satisfied and comfortable with the fact that you don't have sex very often? Then that's all that matters.
That said, I have to play the other side of the coin. I am married to a low libido man and I am a high libido woman. This has caused major problems in the past. If you plan on going on in this relationship you have to have a talk and make sure you are both happy with what you have. This kind of thing causes divorce. It just takes over a marriage once kids and mortgages are involved. This is only if one of you doesn't want it as much as the other, and they see this bothering them later on. Just check out MISMATCHED LIBIDOS board. It's very sad. Make sure you are both on the same page. And remember, things change. Maybe you are just busy. Maybe your birth control is lowering your libido, which it is notorious for! It could be many different things. You guys need to have a heart to heart.
Now, if you both are wanting more...you've got to work on this stuff and make your relationship a priority. Making it work takes a little longer, making it work takes a little time! LOL. Sorry I heard that song last night and it's stuck in my head. It really is work to keep a relationship going. You've got to put this near the top of your list. Schedule alone time if you must. It'll be good practise for if you end up having kids down the road! Valentine's is just around the corner, take advantage!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2004
Sat, 02-11-2006 - 2:31pm

Sister, let me tell you something...

...even Mrs. Para & I, after over a decade of being together, still find trouble with sex once per week, LOL! In fact, its not always the best either, but we still enjoy each other.

Your relationship is too unique to compare to someone else's, ESPECIALLY in the way of sex frequency. Stop wasting your time and MAKE your relationship what you two want it to be, not what you feel it should be compared to others.

Birth control pills used properly are not guaranteed, but failure is still rare according to reports. Using the condom is another method to seriously consider...yes, I recommend it. The pulling out before climaxing method is NOT safer. Pre-ejaculate, which we men control, is still a risk to you without proper birth control usage.

Hope the board and replies help.

 

C  H  A  R  A  C  T  E  R

Avatar for gigi_1000
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 02-11-2006 - 3:55pm

I agree with Para. Having your BF pull out just before ejaculating is useless as well as frustrating for a man. You should be OK with just your birth control pills, but if you want more protection have him use a condom.

I want to comment on the fact that the two of you hug and kiss very often even when you are not having sex. That is great!! My wife and I hug, kiss, touch and say sweet things to each other every single day. These acts of tenderness and affection cement a loving relationship. They nurture the relationship more than any other factor. I am retired, so this wonderful interaction goes on all day!!

Also, as the others have said, do NOT let what your girlfriends say about the frequency of their sex affect your life. As long as the two of you are happy with what you are getting, that is OK. That happens very often after marriage when he has problems at work, you have kids to raise and it is difficult to fit each other into the mix. God bless my wife. While raising our 4 chidren, she always satisfied me sexually. She always felt that it was her place to keep her man happy. Good luck with your romance, Stargazer.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2004
Sun, 02-12-2006 - 5:02pm

I just want to say a big thank you to everyone who replied to me. The more I read your responses, the more I realize that I do need to consider my relationship as unique, and that listening to everyone else is just redundant.

This board has been so informative and helpful to me, and I really appreciate it!

Thanks again!