Work Relationship

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2007
Work Relationship
11
Thu, 05-24-2007 - 8:37pm

I have come into a relationship that is sinfully sweet. We're both happily married, he's 25, I'm 32. We worked rather closely together until recently when I got a different position in the company. We are now located very near each other, but see each other only about 1x a day (and we have to go out of our way to do that). We got along quite well, as friends, before, but something changed when I moved. He had indicated a slight attraction for me before, but it wasn't something that I paid much attention to, as I have learned, over the years, how to be 'friends' with a guy without letting it go further. Once I moved, we started IM'ing each other and it, rather quickly, turned sexy (VERY sexy).

Of late, I've been feeling the strain of my dh's & my f/t jobs, our 4 kids, my f/t school, and all the activities that ensue from all of that. Honestly, I'd been feeling quite like I wanted to just leave it all. The IM'ing was a refreshing treat. In the middle of the day, I would get the feeling I was sexy and alive. When I left work, those feelings carried over. It has been very rejuvinating and, honestly, uplifting. My attitude toward life has improved because I've realized that I'm not dead. I'm not some 'older' woman (he says to me "You are not old!!") that is spent and slowly disappearing. I have tried to channel those sexual arousals into my husband and it has actually REALLY improved our relationship.

Both he and I have talked about how neither of us want anything to actually BECOME of this IM'ing. Neither of us are willing to risk either our own lives or each other's lives for our own pleasures. We care about each other very much and don't want anyone to get hurt. It got to a point where we both had to back up and say "Ok, this is crazy, we're out of control", and we're trying to go back to the way it was before, when we were being friends, harassing each other and chatting about life-things. Trouble is, neither of us really want it to. Our conversation keeps veering toward sexy things... It's terrible! (in such a good way!!)

I don't really know how to take this relationship down a notch. We really need to, but it's so fun when we get started. It's very addicting for both of us. But we have GOT to take it down a notch. My g/f says that it will mellow and become boring. It will become old (this has been happening for about 2+ weeks). But I don't quite know how to feel about that... I don't really WANT it to. I want to keep our relationship on a 'slightly flirty.. slightly arousing' level, but every time we talk, it just kinda goes...

Is it possible to keep our relationship on that level without going beyond (and if it is, how?), or is this something that we simply need to distance ourselves and kill off the whole thing? :-(

TIA

Edited 5/24/2007 9:00 pm ET by dancing_on_tables




Edited 5/24/2007 9:01 pm ET by dancing_on_tables

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Thu, 05-24-2007 - 9:51pm

Welcome to the board dancing_on_tables.

To me, it sounds risky. I don't think it will just die down as your GF says it will. The two of you were able to maintain a friendship when you were together more often, but now you have realized that you miss your interaction with each other. While realizing that, you have also stepped it up a couple of notches -- into a territory that is very dangerous, considering both of you are married.

Does your DH know that you are IMing with this person from your office? I think if you are open and honest within your marriage, then that says a lot. If you feel you can't be honest about what's happening, or you are hiding this from your DH, then you're treading in dangerous waters. How would you feel if you DH was having the same relationship with a co-worker?

Most affairs (even emotional ones) start off innocent. People don't expect things to escalate, but then develop feelings for the other person. You are feeling revived because your conversations with him are enticing you. You're trying to find ways to run into him at work -- at least once a day.

Sounds dangerous to me. If you need a sexual charge, there are a lot of safe ways to find that energy -- porn, erotica, fantasies. Things that are one-dimensional and don't depend on another person.

Even if you don't think you would ever have a physical affair, there are many emotional affairs that cause damage to a relationship. To see what others are experiencing, you might want to visit the board Cyber-Cheating & Emotional Affairs. Here's the link:

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlemotional.

They have a folder called "Maybe We're Not 'Just Friends'". I think you will find others in your situation there to talk with.

I think you're very wise to want to work through your thoughts before you let the relationship develop further.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Thu, 05-24-2007 - 11:20pm
When you play with fire, you will get burned. I would think your plate was already quite full without adding an affair to it. Add to that the possibility of a couple of broken marriages.....it's not worth a few minutes of thrill! Happily married people don't have affairs.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2007
Fri, 05-25-2007 - 8:50am
I do not usually post, but this one interests me because I had a similar experience a couple of years ago. I worked in a large office community and struck up a friendship with a woman who worked down the hall. At first all was innocent and then day by day we began to feel stronger emotions for each other. I am a take charge kind of guy and wanted to push it so to speak to see how far I could enjoy these rather thrilling emotions. We flirted for months and one day I finally asked her if she could give me a ride home because my wife was away with our vehicle. She agreed and when we arrived, I asked her if she wanted to come inside for a drink and some "non-office" environment chat. She smiled and said that would be great and then after two glasses of wine, well...you know..
All this to say, a flirting situation leads to sex. At least for me. I am no longer married although she never told anyone including her husband. Am I sorry for what happened? I guess. Did I enjoy the sex with her? Most definitely! I just want you to know that this type of behavior leads somewhere and the emotions are addictive, so be careful!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2007
Fri, 05-25-2007 - 9:09am

Hi dancing on tables!


Please follow the link to an older thread below, please take your time, and please read the whole thing:


http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlletstalkab&msg=20115.1&ctx=512


Please also type in a Google search for "Surviving Infidelity"

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2007
Fri, 05-25-2007 - 9:42am
Please, take a step back and consider what you are risking. It is not worth it. My gosh, don't make a mistake that will destroy the foundation of your family.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2007
Sat, 05-26-2007 - 11:44am

I was feeling very chastised until I read through your link, which I appreciate very much.

Yes, very much like that girl, when you open yourself up to advice from other people, especially people who do not know who you are, don't know the relationship, don't know your life and your family, you have a tendency to get their concern, that despite all of the above you just PUT IT TO A SCREECHING HALT. I can appreciate this, I would have the same reaction.

I want all of you to know and understand, though, I am not a naive 19yr old who has not had to deal with this before. I definitely understand the consequences, I understand the Emotional Affair. In fact, 3 months earlier, a friend's co-worker (male) was having an EXTENDED relationship with a female (year +, but no sex) and I had quite strong feelings toward it and when they finally were slapped in the face and had to quit, my question was: Are they still going out for lunch? I understand that once you've been there, it's almost impossible to go back. I.E.: end the relationship.

Yeah, so as I re-read my original posting... lol, I'm headed for disaster! Perhaps subconsciously I WANTED to be slapped in the face because I understand the risk. -- I got that!

So, going back to the original question though.... I work with this guy. HOW ON EARTH do I maintain a WORK relationship with him considering the emotions we have brewing? Tangency, you briefly answered this post in response to that gal by saying... just let it die down... but I really am asking for your guy's advice on HOW?! Obviously I can't quit my job.. he's not going to quit his, we're not going to change departments.... This is a real situation and I need some REAL advice.

Quit the IM'ing would be the first thing I'd say to someone... and if there IS IM'ing (which there is, because we have work questions for each other)... keep it to a minimum and keep the chatter to above-the-table. But that won't take the feelings of electricity that we get when we meet at the printer! Like my g/f said, this will die down, it will get boring, and everything will be ok. Will it? Just not IM'ing, will that solve this?

Thanks, though for the concern, thanks for the slap. Sometimes a good smack is just what a person needs ;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Sat, 05-26-2007 - 11:59am

Sometimes, you just have to sit on your hands.

- You could try opening a blank WP document. Type what you would "like" to say there. Cut & paste the parts that you feel are "appropriate" into the IM window. It can be helpful to get the words out, but there really isn't a need to actually send them, kwim?

- Try to "avoid" him as much as possible. You don't have to meet at the copier. You can walk a different route to your destination, etc.

- Only meet where co-workers are present. That helps to keep everything above board.

There are millions of people that get involved in office affairs -- married or not. Those affairs usually go wrong at some point, and they still have to maintain their job. Allow yourself to feel something "negative" toward this person ...

- is he taking advantage of you? He knows that you are married, yet he is doing this dance with you.

- are you the only woman he is doing this with? How can you be sure?

- are you ashamed of yourself for allowing things to get out of hand? Sometimes this is one of the hardest things to admit to ourselves.

- how would you feel if you were his wife? What kind of creepy guy would step out on his wife?

I don't know if any of those examples will work for you -- but I encourage you to LOOK for something that you can keep at the forefront of your mind. Something that doesn't make you feel like you are *giving something up*, but that does make you feel you need to walk away to **protect yourself.**

Good luck, and feel free to keep us posted.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2006
Sat, 05-26-2007 - 12:02pm
*But that won't take the feelings of electricity that we get when we meet at the printer! Like my g/f said, this will die down, it will get boring, and everything will be ok. Will it? Just not IM'ing, will that solve this?*

Not by itself, but it will be a necessary first step. When guys find themselves in a similar situation we say that they're thinking with their penises rather than their brains. I'd advise you to keep your brain fully engaged, and keep thinking things through to their possible consequences. There are no possible happy endings if you give in to the excitement generated by these feelings. You might end up causing the end of your marriage (or his), or you might not but have to live with the feelings of guilt from having strayed, even if only emotionally. You just need to keep reminding yourself that it's not possible to have your cake and eat it too. It will probably take a while, and it won't be easy because those electric feelings are fun and no one really *wants* to let go of them, but over time it is possible to get this man out of your head.



Another suggestion would be that you're likely seeing this man in the best possible light right now. Try imagining him with foibles, and what they would be like if you actually had to live with him (and them). Chances are that he leaves the toilet seat up, farts, and needs to be reminded to take the garbage out and put his laundry away, just like many other men.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Sat, 05-26-2007 - 12:15pm

"I am not a naive 19yr old who has not had to deal with this before. I definitely understand the consequences"

There you go. How do you stop it? By being a mature adult, who knows the consequences, and chooses NOT to go there.

It's kind of like following a person down the street and you see them drop a hundred dollar bill. If you're a normal human being, your first thought will be "Wow, look a that! I could sure use $100....and that person is so dumb they just dropped it." But as a decent human being, your next immediate thought will be "I can't do that, I'm not a thief", and you pick it up and run after the person to give it back to them. That's called "taking the high road".

There's hardly an adult out there who hasn't faced your situation. Some succomb, and live to regret it. Others take the high road and CHOOSE to ignore it. You owe this man NOTHING.....you owe yourself "self respect" and you owe your marriage "respect". It's your choice, it's certainly not impossible.

Everyone has to make choices every day. Some make the right choices, some make the wrong choices. We all know which is right, and which is wrong. It's called "free will". When you're at the fork in the road, it's your choice which direction to take.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2007
Mon, 05-28-2007 - 8:26pm
I had an office relationship like yours. The emotions were very addictive. He sat across the aisle from me. It started with a few puppy dog glances from him and then escalated into lunches which turned into kissing breaks on the elevator to the break room and more.... I had ended a nightmare of a marriage months before this all happened and he was unhappily married. I finally divorced my estarnged husband and he was teetering on the edge of wondering what divorce was like. We had an affair for a year and I tried to move past it by dating other people b/c he was married. The emotions will tear you up. In the end, yes, he is now my husband. We've been together for 5 years and between us we have 5 kids, his, mine and ours. Was it worth it? Yes in the sense that I have the love of my life and I am very happily married. We made it thru the rain. Our families don't know that we were together for a year before he got divorced. His ex doesn't know. But in my heart, I know, and I have to live with that guilt. The divorce tore everyone up on all sides. I don't take all the blame, but I did not help the situation. No it wasn't worth it in the sense that we have kids involved. We have child support to pay-- and that can be financially draining. We have kids that bounce back and forth. It took 5 years for everything to finally settle down and the ex to be civil. Luckily we are only dealing with his ex. Mine is not in the pic. It's not an easy life dealing with the after math of a divorce. I wouldn't recommend it to anyone. The kids suffer the most. We had our own crap to deal with. We weren't allowed to get married while we worked together. We had to sign papers with HR that we would not get married or they would give us 30 days for one of us to leave and if we couldn't decide, they would decide for us, and the best part... that we didn't sexually harrass each other and we had to have it notarized. Yes, we did sneak off and get married and ran the risk of someone finding out, but I quit first and then the company left town and he lost his job anyway.
Now that we don't work together and haven't for 2 years..... does the thought ever cross my mind of how we started and is it possible that he could do it with someone elese???? Yes. Things to think about...... I would say that we have a stable marriage and we went thru the fire and made it out still feeling that crazy in love feeling and I can honestly say that I love him as much as I did back when the emotions ran high. We still have it, but was it worth it? Would I do it all again considering what you have to go thru to get there?......

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